Juice and The Kicker

It's Been a Magical Ride

2009-05-21T15:42:00.002-05:00

I just wanted to quickly say thanks to everyone who has followed us (mostly me) here at Juice and The Kicker. This will be the final post, as I have decided to leave the blogosphere to pursue other projects.

Again, thanks to all the people who kept up with the blog in the last few months, as well as the 100s of perverts who showed up at our sit by googling "Marria Verchenova" Sorry if you were disappointed with the lack of nudity upon your discovery.

Keep on keepin on,

Juice

Juice's Top Ten: Obnoxious Celebrities

2009-05-15T20:06:00.008-05:00

This is going to be a slightly abridged version of the top ten, as I am going to limit myself to one sentence per person. It’ll be like tweeting on each person.

Hopefully you’ve been keeping up with our banter today, but if not scroll down and check it out, we should still have a couple more updates for you tonight as well.

On to the obnoxious celebrities…

10. Angelina Jolie

Angelina is not even remotely attractive, and the whole hoarding of children routine is getting very, very old.

9. Dane Cook

I think I laughed at a Dane Cook joke once – the key word being once.

8. Tiki Barber

He has gone from being the obnoxious running back on the New York Giants, to the obnoxious talk show guy on NBC.

7. Tyra Banks

Tyra Banks is like Oprah; if Oprah was retarded.

6. Justin Long

I can’t decide which I hate more, the Mac commercials featuring Justin Long, or the movies featuring Justin Long.

5. Rob Schneider

I don’t really understand how Rob Schneider was ever allowed to act in the first place, but beyond yelling “you can do it” in Water Boy, he hasn’t done anything even remotely worthwhile.

4. Shia Labeouf

Apparently the key to success for no talent hacks is to somehow convince Steven Spielberg he should put you in his awful, awful movies.

3. Ashton Kutcher

I defy anyone to argue they would not punch Ashton Kutcher in the face if given the opportunity.

2. Any Wayans Offspring

I once watched that Wayans movie about the midget who was pretending to be a baby (not by choice), and I died A LOT on the inside.

1. Carlos Mencia

This video from College Humor can explain everything far better than I ever could.

Bonus Celebrity: Jonah Hill

Jonah Hill is nothing more than an unfunny version of Seth Rogen, and Jason Segel is the funniest actor in the Judd Apatow group, might I add.

There is my abridged version of this weeks top ten. Don’t worry; I’ll be back with a full version for next week.

Oh, and don’t forget to check out today’s Juice and the Kicker banter.

-Juice

The Banter

2009-05-15T11:43:00.018-05:00

As I mentioned yesterday, we are trying something new today. And, might I add, we are really just spoiling you at this point. This will be the third day of double posting...or, depending on how you look at it, our first day of quadruple posting.

This premise for this new spiel is as follows:

We pick a topic and basically banter back and forth - much like if we were emailing back and forth and you were all cc'd. I'm not really sure how this will work, or if it will work at all, but we'll see how it goes. We'll be updating throughout the day, and each of us will get in about 5 or 6 responses between now and whenever we decide to end, so feel free to follow along with us as we go. Otherwise, you can come back at the end of the day and be treated to our full day of banter, as well as the top ten.

Also, you are all a bunch of flip flopping fools. If Ik new how to make it so you couldn't change your vote every 10 frigging minutes I would, but apparently Blogger doesn't make that possible. Whatever. As of noon central standard time, I am calling "obnoxious celebrities" as the winner of the top ten election, and I don't even need a magic map to do it.

Because the election was so close, and you all change your votes more often than Lindsay Lohan changes her sexual orientation, we're going to kill two birds with one stone and discuss hot female (male?) athletes in this little experiment today.

So I guess without further ado...

Juice (12:04 pm): You know what my problem with female athletes is? There aren't enough attractive ones. I realize that softball, basketball, and hockey players are all actually guys, so you can't expect much there, but why aren't there more hot tennis players? I mean we have Maria Sharapova, Ana Ivanovic, and maybe a few others, but really shouldn't there be more? We're talking about a group of women who are usually in their early to mid twenties, athletic, obviously in very good shape, and often wear short skirts and low cut tops while running around. It's the worst trick ever. You'll be flipping through channels, stop on a tennis match for a second thinking "hmm she looks kind of cute," then, BAM! Holy-freaking-butter face. Yeesh.

Then you have gymnasts. Sure there are a fair number of good looking gymnasts, but they are hot in an "I may be a pedophile" sort of way. You never know if gymnasts are 12 or 22. Even if they are 22, you don't know that while watching their routine, and you have to either Google them to find out, or wait for one of the announcers to tell you their age. Of course, by that time you are already done jerking off so you're sitting there wondering if you just mentally molested a minor.

Lastly, I would like to introduce Jennie Finch to the conversation, since I know she will come up at some point today. She is not attractive. At all. I know you have a soft spot in your heart for Ms. Finch, but I have only one soft thing for her - my penis. She is a beast of a woman. Shudder.

Look at that picture. She is a thick woman. Not fat, but thick.

And, for the record, she is 6' 1" 174 lbs. I am 6' 1" 190 lbs. If you find Jennie Finch attractive you are essentially saying I am also a smoking hot female. Which is fair I suppose, I am very pretty.

Your move Sir Kicks-a-Lot.

The Kicker (2:36pm): Well, I don't really know where to go from there but I do agree. There are surprisingly few attractive female athletes. My question is why? Well to start, they are usually the size of a college linebacker or are actually former college linebackers who had their penis cut off.

But realistically the numbers don't add up. Think about your high school. If you take all the athletes in high school you undoubtedly have some very attractive ones. So if you figure every high school in the country has hot female athletes how come so few of these girls turn "pro"?

My theory is all the cute ones get knocked up or just quit sports to be professionally good looking.

I am attracted to girls in sports attire. Juice will agree that a girl rocking a Joe Mauer shirsey (t-shirt jersey made into one word) is a sexy sight if she is attractive. However, ugly girls wearing the same attire just piss me off because they don't deserve to wear anything cool.

I will sum up my thoughts and wait for the response from Juice Bag.

Female athletes who are attractive are more attractive because they play sports. There is an oddly small amount of attractive female athletes at the higher levels. Most female athletes are males who had their penis cut off.

Respond a way Juice

Juice (3:oo pm): Response away or respond away? Oh never mind, it's just silly grammar.

First of all, you didn't defend your girl Jennie Finch. What's up with that?

Second, as the resident soccer expert (also known as douche bag) I would like you to explain what happens to all the hot soccer girls. At least half the girls who play soccer in high school and college are hot, and then they just fall off the face of the earth. Now, maybe this is because I just don't know of any profesional female soccer players, but I'm pretty sure if they were hot enough they would get some publicity. There should be at least a few smoking hotties in the bunch. Right?

Here, by the way, are my top five female athletes:

5. Maria Verchenova (Golf - I just found out about her today, but she is adorable)
4. Biba Golic (Table Tennis - we're using the term "athlete" loosely here)
3. Paula Creamer (Golf)
2. Maria Sharapova (Tennis)
1. Allison Stokke (Track and Field)

I would like to see your top five. If Danica Patrick is in it, you are no longer allowed to exist. Oh and I am 95% sure Allison Stokke is perfect.

I will end with two questions. First: Who is hotter, the hot girl in a Joe Mauer jersey, or the Joe Mauer in a Joe Mauer jersey. Ponder that one, my friend.

And, speaking of hot girls wearing sports attire, how bout girls who wear pink jerseys or caps? There is nothing worse than a hot girl wearing a pink Twins jersey and Twins hat. You want to talk about a prime candidate for a donkey punch...

I know you have strong feelings about this subject as well, because we have had extensive conversations about it in the past.

And lastly, would you rather make out with Tom Brady, or a random member of your college's softball team? I've seen several members of the St. Scholastica Saints softball team so I think the answer is fairly obvious here...

You're up Little Miss Kickshine.

The Kicker (7:53pm): I didn't defend Jennie Finch because I am lazy and somewhat agree. The only reason I cannot completely agree is because The Kicker's Girlfriend is willing to have a threesome with Jennie Finch and me so I would have to agree to that.

I don't believe in women's soccer as being a sport but since table tennis is I would say there are in fact hot "professional" women's soccer players but no one cares at all about any of them.

My top 5 is very similar to yours. It looks something like this.

5. Amanda Beard (swimming)

4. Paula Creamer (golf)

3. Ana Ivanovic (tennis)

2. Maria Sharapove (tennis)

1. Alisson Stokke (perfection)

I prefer the girl in the Joe Mauer jersey but maybe that's because I'm straight.

I will not get into it too much now but I firmly believe there should be a constitutional amendment outlawing pink sports attire unless it is on Mother's Day. (this will be a blog post soon)

And based on the girls of the St. Scholastica softball team I would for sure sleep with Tom Brady, but maybe thats just the straight part of me talking again.

Take it away J-Gay

Juice (11:09 pm): Well I think I'm going to wrap this up for today. As a final thought I would just like to say that I would definitely make out with Tom Brady before almost any college softball player on the planet.

On that final note, I bid you all adieu. I must rest up for my two and a half hours of the cluster fuck known as college graduation tomorrow.

The Right Way

2009-05-15T02:44:00.007-05:00

Alright, it's 2:45 in the morning, and I may or may not be a little tipsy, but I just cannot let this left handed propaganda stand.

This entire argument is really quite simple. The world is made for righties, and you minuscule lefties are just cogs in our right handed machine. Everything is built for righties for one very simple reason: lefties are worthless turds.

Fact: Lefties have shorter life span (good, get rid of them I say).

Fact: Lefties smell funny.

Fact: Lefties are 97% more likely to become serial killers and/or rapists.

Fact: Lefties caused AIDS.

Fact: I am using the word "fact" very loosely.

Let's just be completely honest here, lefties are cramping the style of a very right handed world. While I get to sit here monkeying with my mouse without the slightest bit of awkwardness or trepidation, lefties have to paw around like a retard looking for a light switch. Which sounds better to you?

Also, when one of your biggest claims to left handed fame is a puppet frog who has based his entire existence on trying to fuck a puppet pig, I don't think that is something to brag about. I mean, come on, Miss Piggy is a total bitch.

Also, Kent Hrbek is, in fact, not left handed. He batted left and threw right, which means he is actually right handed. Oh, and same with Ted Williams. Solid research on that one.

You also failed to recognize the biggest tool in sports history, Barry Bonds, is left handed. Gross.

See, the problem with your left handed list is that it basically includes every single worthwhile lefty in the history of the world. Congratulations, you have 17 interesting people, and that is assuming you include the puppet, the two who aren't actually left handed, Bruce Willis, and Julia Roberts. And, by the way, you can have Bruce Willis and Julia Roberts, the righties only want the talented/attractive people.

Subtract those five, and you are down to 12 worthwhile lefties. Congrat-u-fucking-lations, What happened to the rest? Did they all die too young?

Oh and anyone who claims that Yoda is left handed is a fucking moron, Jedis are obviously ambidextrous.

The fact is the left hand is nothing more than a worthless claw that exists for the sole purpose of creating symmetry for the vastly superior right hand.

And, as a final note, let's just be completely honest here. The Kicker tore his ACL playing soccer, proving, as he has time and time again, that lefties have absolutely no athletic ability. It would
be less embarrassing to tear your ACL playing hop scotch or some shit.

In conclusion, I would just like to extend one giant right handed middle finger to the craptacular waste of space lefties of the world.

-Juice

P.S. The term southpaw stems from the days when baseball fields were all built so that home plate faces the east (to keep the sun out of the batters eye). Because of this, left handed pitchers would arm would be facing south, thus they were called southpaws. For the record, though, you can only call yourself a southpaw if you don't throw like a girl. Because 97% of lefties, in fact, throw like girls, only a minority of them can actually call themselves southpaws. And, no, The Kicker is definitely not part of this minority.

Everything Left

2009-05-15T02:36:00.002-05:00

I was texting with Little Juice a few weeks back and he recommended a post about left handed people. Since me, him, The Kicker's Girlfriend and of course a slew of other awesome people are left handed I decided to listen. Also, this will really bother Juice a lot.

Now, being left handed has some disadvantages. One being that nearly everything is built for right handed people so we must use our superior skills to combat this and still be better than right handed people. Another is that writing with pens or using markers usually makes our left hand dirty, but fuck it, we don't care.

Now that I listed basically all of the cons I will list a few pros and throw out a few incredibly famous (and awesome) left handed people.

One of the big pros is we are rare. If life was a pack of baseball cards right handed people would be the regular cards and left handed people would be the valuable inserts. I like to consider myself Honus Wagner, but hey, thats just me.

Another pro is that we are called Southpaws which makes little or no sense but sounds cool.

Finally, being left handed is awesome because in sports (like basketball and baseball) people get confused and are not sure how to handle our awesomeness.

Oh, this is random but there is a Simpson's episode focused on left handed people when Flanders open the Leftorium. I believe Mr. Burns and Moe are both left handed.

Now that I have listed the minor cons and massive pros I will make a list of five notable lefties in sports, movies and a few surprises. After this I will be done with this post (I am falling asleep as I took Tylenol PM like 25 minutes ago)

5. Oprah, Bruce Willis, Alan Thicke (haha), Julia Roberts and Kermit the Frog (famous people/puppters from TV/movies)

4. Steve Young (NFL Quarterback)

3. Willis Reed, Bill Russell and Bill Walton (NBA players)

2. Ted Williams, Babe Ruth, Kent Hrbek (Minnesota needed to be represented), Sandy Koufax (he is a Jew), Ken Griffey Jr. and Lefty Grove (Professional baseball players)

1. Bill Clinton and Barack Obama (President's of the United States of America)

You might not like my list. You might think its a bad order but I don't care. This is a small sample of the great left handed people. Other ones I left off the list because I don't think it can be proved is Yoda and Joan of Arc.

There are very few left handed NFL stars because of the blocking scheme needed for a left handed quarterback. Below is the link where I found nearly all of this information and you can see the complete list.

-The Kicker

Double Dip Tomorrow

2009-05-14T19:16:00.005-05:00

Just wanted to let everyone know tomorrow will be another double post day.

The Kicker and I are going to try something new, which I am not going to give away at this point because it is a surprise. Show up tomorrow and find out. The top ten will also be up tomorrow as scheduled.

Also, little FYI, the Random Thoughts will show up on Sunday instead of Saturday since I won't have time for much random thinking until then, and I'm sure I'll have some graduation related musings for you on Sunday.

So the next few days will look like this:

Tonight: The Kicker? Maybe? I dunno he said he'd post today, so we'll find out whether he's a dirty liar.

Friday: New idea, Top Ten.

Saturday: Off-Day

Sunday: Random Thoughts

Just so everyone knows, the blog isn't going anywhere for the summer. So don't go dipping out on us just because it is sunny outside. Spend the sunny days outside, and the drunken late nights reading the blog. Sounds like a good summer to me.

-Juice

The QB That Shall Not be Named

2009-05-13T18:02:00.006-05:00

Oh shit dawg, it's the double post...what what?!

Umm...yeah. Anyhoo...This is my second post of the day, so if you missed my earlier one scroll on down. Actually this one has nothing to do with my other post, so feel free to read them in any order you choose.

Oh shit dawg. Let's get this party started...

Alright, this isn't so much a party, as it is me throwing my hat into the Brett Favre ring. I know, I know, everybody is talking about Favre, but I want to make my feelings known, and then move on from the topic forever. Much like the illegal substance that shall not be named.

As a Vikings fan, I want Brett Favre. He is a better quarterback then Tavarais "Tjack" Jackson and Sage "Interception" Rosenfells. But, then again, I am a better quarterback than Tjack and Interception, plus I have a better nickname. Although, I would probably have to change my nickname if I were to play in the NFL to avoid pissing off O.J. You know, since he kills people. But I digress...

Like I said, I want Favre. What I don't want, however, is to keep talking about Favre. He is nothing more than a narcissist who loves the media circus surrounding him. He has been performing this same old retirement song and dance every offseason for the last few years, moreso last year than any other, but that wasn't the first time he threatened retirement.

My biggest beef, aside from the simple fact that Favre dominates the sports airwaves, is that the "news" about him is nothing more than celebrity gossip. Don't get me wrong, I love celebrity gossip as much as the next person, but only when it is interesting. Stories about x-rays that may or may not have been sent to the Vikings, or stories about how Favre may or may not be willing to have surgery, are not interesting. If Favre decided his arm would no longer suffice, and he was having it surgically replaced with a younger, better model, then that would be news. But, since that probably isn't happening (or is it? Maybe I should throw that into the rumor mill) nothing about Favre is interesting right now. Besides, the reality is he just wants to stall until OTA's and minicamps are over. (FYI: OTA = Organized Team Activities. Why Favre wouldn't want to take part in any activity with an organization that once organized a sex boat is beyond me, but that is neither here nor there.)

Everybody with any form of knowledge believes Favre will sign with the Vikings before the end of the offseason, but those same people say he will drag the process out as long as possible to avoid any exta work. Why the Vikings are OK with this is a mystery, but whatever.

I'm just sick of hearing about Favre, and would like him to either go away, or just sign a freaking contract. That's all I ask.

So starting now, Favre becomes the QB that shall not be named. Much like the substance that shall not be named, he will no longer be spoken of on this site - until he signs with the Vikings, that is. And, if you are wondering, I am planning on getting to the point where everything I write about is "the something that shall not be named." Reading my posts will be like playing Mad Libs, except way more annoying.

-Juice

"Have You Found a Job Yet?"

2009-05-13T09:47:00.004-05:00

I just finished my last final ever. Weird.

The entire situation has even remotley sunk in yet, and right now I'm just kind of in a weird, "huh, I'm done stage." I can't accuratley describe it, but I'm sure those of you who have graduated know what I am talking about. (And those of you who havent' graduated college, or completed something of equal magnitude, have zero idea what it is like, and have absolutley no ability to comment about it in anyway. None.)

I handed in that last final, and was literally walking down the hall giggling to myself, with a dumbass grin on my face. I'm sure I looked like a moron. The giggling was in part due to the fact that I somehow got a B+ on the paper I was supposed to revise last Friday, even though I siad "fuck it" and quit revising halfway through. Good for me, eh?

Mostly, though, I was just happy to be done.

I'm not really sure how to sum up my thoughts, but I wanted to throw up an editorial I wrote awhile back about the whole job search thing.

I know many people, a couple in particular, who should really heed these words. Nobody knows anything, and you are no different. No matter who you are. Anyway, enjoy...

“Have you found a job yet?”

This is the most common question a soon-to-be college graduate will hear in the coming days, weeks, and months.

It is also the most frustrating question a soon-to-be college graduate will hear in the coming days, weeks, and months.

Not because the answer is “no,” which it almost invariably is, but because everyone just assumes all 22-year-olds want to be working a 9-5 job immediately after graduation. Yet, is there a more depressing thought than that of spending your early to mid twenties stuck in a cubicle making $20,000 a year because “this will be the springboard to my success?” Thanks but no thanks.

College is meant to prepare students for a career, often in a specific area through specialized training – or “major,” if you will. That’s all well and good, except this ideology does nothing but create a paranoid army of young people who feel their lives depend on their first job.

They don’t.

Furthermore, if you think your major puts you on a track that guarantees one type of job, or is guaranteed to lead you in a specific direction, you are incredibly naive.

Yes, it sucks if you graduate from college and are still working for Domino’s – but only because Domino’s is disgusting. If you are delivering pizzas at 22 with college degree in hand because you are unsure of what you want, then more power to you.

You are far better off than the person who rushed into the corporate world because they were “supposed to.” Those are the people that look and act 40 by the time they are 28.

This isn’t to disparage those who have a job lined up. If you know what you want to do, and are prepared to do so, that is excellent. If you know for sure you want to work in the corporate world (or some other field), and want to get your foot in the door, go for it.

If, though, you aren’t ready for the 9-5 working world, or that isn’t what you actually want, then just relax and let things settle for awhile. 22 is not 72. Life hasn’t passed you by yet.

And next time someone asks “have you found a job yet?” just smile politely and realize they had no idea what they wanted at 22 either.

Hell, they were probably delivering pizzas.

-Juice

PC Thugs

2009-05-11T17:48:00.004-05:00

Lisa: "She called me a PC thug"
Homer: "Ohhhh, I've been called a greasy thug too, and it never stops hurting"

- The Simpsons

That quote comes after Lisa turned in a paper revealing that Jebediah Springfield was a dirty scoundrel, and not actually the great pioneer Springfielders believed him to be. Really, it has nothing to do with the argument I am about to make about political correctness, but it is relatively apropos.

Political correctness is a detriment to society for several reasons. (And as an extension so are PC thugs).

First of all, the entire idea is communist. I don't mean like in a joking, calling someone communist for a stupid reason, way. I mean literally communist.

Second, it infringes on free speech. This portion is debatable, because it gets into the idea of how far does free speech go as a means to insult someone, but political correctness goes far beyond just being a safeguard for defamation.

My biggest issue with political correctness, though, is when people take terms that aren't offensive, and try to create a less offensive way to say them. Often times the PC thugs will take the technical term for something (i.e. mental retardation - yes that is the actual medical term for someone with lesser cognitive ability) and decide that term is inappropriate. Therefore, we are no longer allowed to call things by their correct name.

Let's look first, however, at the Communist nature of a PC world (not the nerd magazine). I'm not going to waste time explaining what Communism is, because neither you or I know enough about it to speak intelligently (if you claim you do, you're a pretentious self absorbed know-it-all liar). Regardless, we all know that Communism is based on the idea of equality, specifically the notion of socioeconomic equality. In elementary terms, it is a system of control.

And what, exactly, is political correctness? It is a system of control.

This, of course, doesn't mean that people should run around calling others derogatory names, but it also doesn't mean we need to censor people to the detriment of free speech. Should everyone start calling each other fags or cunts or retards? Obviously not, but any rational person already knows that.

When people decide you have to call a given social group a certain name, often without consulting that group in the first place, you are simply perpetuating Communist ideals.

For example, some of the PC powers that be have decided American Indians should only be referred to as "Native Americans." This is the politically correct terminology for a group of Native people. The fact is, however, that many of those Native people actually prefer the term "American Indian." Obviously, calling them "injuns" or "redskins" is offensive, but the average person (well the average person north of the Mason Dixon line, at least) knows these terms are offensive. People aren't that dumb.

People don't need to be protected from what they say. All this Communist censorship does is lead to confusion. What can I say? Can I call that person this? Can I call this person that? This confusion ultimately leads to people creating their own terminology and slang terms, slang terms that are far more offensive than anything the PC thugs are trying to censor.

The fact is, censorship in general goes against, at least last time I checked, the Constitution of the United States of America. I believe it says something about the right to free speech. For example, if I want to call The Kicker a fuck face goat licker, I can call The Kicker a fuck face goat licker. (Note I have never actually seen The Kicker lick a goat, I'm just alluding to the possibility that he may or may not have licked a goat at some point in his life.)

In all seriousness, though, over-censoring certain terminology is a form of infringing on freedom of speech.

Here is an example I encountered a couple of months ago:

I was writing an editorial about handicap parking at UMD (hey, look, here's the article) and was told by my editor I have to use the term "disabled" instead of "handicapped." So why, then, does every parking sign in the country refer to the parking spot as "handicap" parking? And why is this an issue? Handicap and disability are essentially synonyms. How did one become more offensive than the other? The Oxford English Dictionary definition for "handicap" is "a condition that markedly restricts a person’s ability to function physically, mentally, or socially." You know what the second definition of "disability" is? "A disadvantage or handicap."

They literally mean the same thing, so who decided I am not allowed to choose what terminology I use? The fact is, censorship is a fundamental impediment of free speech, and in the particular case above, freedom of the press as well.

The threat of Communism and the destruction of freedom of speech are not the biggest issues with a PC world. We're not going to be overtaken by communism any time soon, and the only reprimand against using politically incorrect terms are the bible thumpers and Republicans shouting about how terrible everyone who uses the term "gay" instead of "homosexual" are. (Even though, ironically, they hate gay people.)

The biggest issue with a PC world is that we are taking terms that aren't actually offensive, and trying to change them for no apparent reason. I shouldn't have to question whether or not I am allowed to call a retarded person retarded. The medical term for people with lesser cognitive abilities is, in fact, mentally retarded. It isn't mentally challenged, or mentally handicapped, or mentally disabled, it is mentally retarded. The fact that we have been ingrained to use "retard" as an insult is a completely different issue, and yet that is the exact reason people can no longer use this correct terminology.

People take certain terms and make them derogatory all the time, which is a completely separate issue than the realm of political correctness. (I blame religion, but that’s neither here nor there.)

The fact is, in the case of using these terms as an insult, the offensive part isn’t using the term itself, it is acting like an inoffensive term is actually offensive. Calling a straight person “gay” isn’t an insult. Calling a non-Jewish person a “Jew” isn’t an insult. The insulting thing about these terms is the people who believe they are insults in the first place (again, Bible thumpers and Republicans). I am neither gay nor Jewish, but for the life of me I cannot understand how calling me “a gay Jew” is supposed to be an insult. It is incredibly offensive because you are using it as an insult, but it’s not like there is anything wrong with being a gay Jewish person.

Not to get all after school special on you, but it is this intolerance that forces people to believe we need protection in the form of political correctness. The reality is, most of us don’t.

As long as people aren’t being intentionally insulting or derogatory, they should be allowed to say what they want. Political correctness is born out of a belief that we need a form of verbal protection. The reality is, however, the average person understands the difference between right and wrong. We can police ourselves. We do not a group of people deciding what we can and cannot say. We do not need a group of people censoring us.

We do not need the politically correct.

Given the choice between the PC thug and the greasy thug? Well, I’ll take the greasy thug every single time.

-Juice

Random Thoughts...

2009-05-09T13:29:00.002-05:00

...The last assignment in one of my classes was a revised version of a paper we wrote a few weeks ago. Basically, the assignment called for "significant revision," with the parameters going from 8-10 pages on the first paper, to 10-15 pages on the second paper. It was my last assignment of regulation (actual class) before overtime (finals). I couldn't possibly imagine a situation where I am less motivated to do something than rewrite a paper I already got a B on. Why would I possibly care? And more importantly, why not just make us write one paper? I've written a shit ton of papers in my academic career, you aren't teaching me anything by making me write the same thing twice. (Juice)

...I would also like to note that the aforementioned paper was due at 5 pm on a Friday afternoon. Obviously, this means, since I am done with class at 1 pm on Fridays, I will wait until Friday afternoon to actually finish the paper. More importantly, though, who the fuck makes something due at 5 pm on a Friday? Are you really going to be in your office? (Nope, she wasn't.) (Juice)

...People who feel the need to listen to their IPod at all times annoy me. Do you really need it between classes? Is the walk from your friend’s apartment to your apartment really so far that you need music? Take the fucking headphones off, you look like a douche. (Juice)

...I'm sick of people saying "came" as the past tense of "cum." The correct form is actually “cummed." "Come" and "cum" are two completely different words. None of the definitions of the word "come" mean to ejaculate. The word "cum" is a slang word that people have conditioned to mean "to ejaculate." "Cum" doesn't become "came" in the past tense just because "come" becomes "came" in the past tense. The English language isn't that fucking hard people. (Juice)

...Little word of advice: if you have a paper due at noon on Wednesday, don't put it off until literally the last minute. You'll end up drinking coffee at 10 pm, staying awake til 6 am, and having your entire sleep cycle thrown off for the rest of the week. You'll also end up waking up on Thursday at 9:10 am for your class that started at 9:00, scampering across campus to salvage what is left of the final exam review, and end up sitting there for 10 minutes before the professor lets everyone out early from what turned out to be a completely worthless class period. (Juice)

...This site is fantastic. A few of the highlights:

(209): dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
(1-209): nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all

(843): the red head has a bf
(1-843): just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

(302): Who goes to Church hungover
(717): Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk

...Mythbusters is one of the five worst shows on TV. I don't get how anybody watches it. The guys are annoying, the myths are lame, and the experiments are unbearably boring to watch. (Juice)

...Reason #2190840871 that Jose Canseco is a douche. (Juice)

...This is one of the five most random things I have ever seen. (Click the link before moving on to the next random thought; I don't want to ruin the picture for you.) (Juice)

...I love the looks on the faces of the three in the above picture. Matt Garza looks like he is concocting an elaborate scheme to wrangle himself a threesome. Britsol Palin looks like she is about to fall for an elaborate scheme to be wrangled into a threesome. And Hayden Panttierre looks like a whore who is more than willing to take place in a threesome, but thinks she is far too important to take part in that threesome. (Juice)

...Also, Bristol Palin is better looking that Hayden Panttierre. Who knew? (Juice)

...I can't take another summer of Favre. Everybody knows you are going to eventually sign with the Vikings, and are just looking for an excuse to skip as many preseason workouts, so just freakin sign so we don't have to go through another summer of your prima donna routine. I mean if we were looking at the summer of George that would be one thing, but I just can't handle another summer of Favre. (Juice)

...How do you defend yourself against the man with two dildos? (I promise that isn't porn, just trust me and click it.) (Juice)

…The media annoys me for a lot of reasons, but mostly because they blow stupid shit out of proportion. In the last couple of days I watched shows that have centered around the controversy of Miss California, Carrie Prejean, posing nude for a photo shoot (she isn’t actually nude) and Jon from Jon and Kate Plus Eight banging someone other than Kate. Who the fuck cares? And, for that matter, I watched like two minutes of Jon and Kate Plus Eight once and I wanted to punch Kate in the face, so I can’t blame the guy for cheating on her. More importantly, though, how is that in any way a news story? That just pisses me off. As for Miss California, so she posed for some pictures to try and break in the modeling industry. THAT’S WHAT MODELS DO. IT ISN”T FUCKING NEWS. Ugh. (Juice)

Juice's Top Ten: Reasons to Skip Class

2009-05-08T16:31:00.006-05:00

Alright, I'm back with the top ten. Once again, I apologize for the week that I essentially disappeared. Of course, I didn't technically disappear, although that would have been preferable to the two papers and 10 minute presentation I had to do this week. But I digress.

I know I screwed up the voting by yanking the "politically correct" option from the poll, but I decided I didn't want to do that list for various reasons. Like I said, I will write a post about politically correctness because it annoys me, but I'm not going to run down a top ten list of politically correct terms.

Lastly, before I start the list, I just want to say I will be blogging more next week, hopefully everday, to make up for my lackluster week here. Hopefully I'll have a decent set of Random Thoughts for you tomorrow as well.

Anyway, on to the top ten reasons to skip class list many of you have apparently been waiting for...

10. Swine Flu

Everybody is expecting this one, so let’s just get it out of the way. If you have swine flu (or H1N1 or R2D2 flu or whatever the fuck they are calling it now) don’t go to class, especially if you are in my class. I don’t need that. Quite frankly, the whole swine flu thing has been blown out of proportion, but regardless, nobody wants that. Although, if I catch swine flu I’m bringing down as many people as I can with me. Just a little FYI.

9. Nice Weather

You know those last few days of fall when it’s still nice? Or those first days of spring when the snow is finally gone and the sun is finally out? Who wants to go to class? The answer is, of course, nobody. So just don’t go. Skip away and enjoy the day. (Yep, I’m straight Seussin it dawg.) Seriously, though, if it is over 60 degrees outside, class can screw off. And, if you have some sort of exam or assignment due, just tell your professor you have explosive diarrhea (more on that later), they are sure to count it as an excused absence. Just make sure they don’t see you pretending to be athletic by playing ultimate Frisbee.

8. Torn ACL (dedicated to The Kicker)

So The Kicker tore up his knee. He did so playing soccer. Yes. Soccer. It’s one thing if you mess up your knee playing a real sport, or at least something that takes something resembling talent or athletic ability. But soccer? Really? I mean what the hell? Did he step on his vagina? Regardless, I can only imagine what it feels like to tear an ACL, and I assume it isn’t pleasant, but I would take advantage of that like crazy and skip as much class as possible. Of course, The Kicker is on summer vacation so that just blows.

7. Working on an Assignment

This one is the most ironic of anything on the list. Skipping school to work on school is always a catch-22, because it blows either way. As an eternal procrastinator, however, I know what it is like to forego one class in favor of working on another. Hell, sometimes you have to skip class to work on an assignment for the class you are skipping. How can the professor even be mad? At least you are boning up on their class. And speaking of boning…

6. Afternoon Delight

Skyyyyyy-rockets in flight…Afternoon delight…AAAAAfternoon delight. If your significant other (or some random whore I suppose) stops by for a little afternoon lovin, you are morally obligated to forego class that day. Yes, morally obligated. Get it while you can. Bonus points, by the way, if you are getting it from the professor of the class you are skipping. Of course in that case, the professor would have to skip class too, so ultimate bonus points if you can convince him or her to send out an email that says class is cancelled because he or she is “laid up.”

5. Hungover/Still Drunk

Now I’m not saying a person necessarily should go out and get wasted on a week night, but if you do, class should definitely be optional the next day. Then again if you are actually hungover or still drunk during class, it is probably a pretty sure sign you are on the fast track to alcoholism. Bonus points, however, if you can somehow convince your professor to bring a keg to class (followed by some afternoon delight, of course).

4. Explosive Diarrhea/Anal Leakage

Whether or not you actually have explosive diarrhea, or any form of anal leakage, if you are willing to tell your professor that you can’t make it class because you’re shitting in streams, you deserve to miss class. I’ve always wondered, by the way, what exactly “anal leakage” is when medication lists it as a side effect. And, more importantly, why would anybody possibly take something that could cause anal leakage? I don’t get it. By the way, if you actually have explosive diarrhea/anal leakage, and aren’t just using it as an excuse to skip class, then I feel sorry for you. Oh, and gross.

3. Sleep

I like sleep. In fact, I like sleep a lot. I especially like sleep when I have spent the last few days not getting enough of it. Here’s the thing about class, especially 8 am class, if I don’t have enough sleep there is no reason for me to be there anyway. I just don’t function well if I’m not fully rested. Plus, I just don’t like getting up at 7 am. It’s unpleasant. Honestly, if you want me to show up everyday, don’t schedule your class for 8 in the morning. That’s just not a good time for me.

2. Your Team’s Opening Day

The Kicker and I have been to the Twins’ home opener seven straight years and counting. That also means that I have skipped at least one class the last four years of school. The Twins’ are just simply more important than class. Granted, I’ve always been lucky that the Twins opener has never fallen on a day when I have a presentation or exam, but I still would have weaseled by way out regardless. That’s why you always need have that explosive diarrhea in your back pocket. Not literally of course.

1. Your Team’s Playoff Game

This one is similar to opening day, but about 1000 times more important. I’ve always wondered what would happen if the Twins made the World Series and the scheduling went back to the old days when games were played during the day. That would make for an interesting week, because I wouldn’t attend a single class. Luckily (or possibly unfortunately, depending on how you look at it) I am done with class so I will never find out how that situation would play out.

-Juice

To: Fans From: Kicker's Bed

2009-05-08T01:11:00.003-05:00

Yes, that is right. I am blogging in bed. The reasons for this may seem obvious but I suffered a potentially severe knee injury today and laying down is better than standing. Anyway, I am not sure if this injury will lead to me blogging more or less, but I will in fact work hard to continue blogging. So far the problems resulting from my knee injury are many and here we go...

#10- I am suppose to go to the Twins game tomorrow and I don't know if I'll be able to

#9- Try peeing on one leg, its not that easy

#8- Crutches are only fun when you can hand them back to the kid with the broken leg, when they are yours, it sucks.

#7- Its going to be awkward to call the place I work and tell them I can't come in...I haven't even started yet.

#6- Sleeping on your back is more difficult than it should be

#5- Stairs.

#4- Does anyone really want to have surgey or rehab?

#3- Can I drink while on prescription pain meds? We will find out.

#2- I got hurt on the first day of summer. All the fun at the lake, potentially blowing up in my face, like my knee as I crumbled to the ground

and the #1 problems that has arisen from my current knee injury is........I am seriously contemplating borrowing my 84 year old grandmother's cane.

I want to point out this seemed much better before I wrote it, I'm very tired, Tylenol PM is kicking in and my leg hurts.

(Manny is telling the truth, Favre is a fuck face moron bitch ass)

-The Kicker

Quick Juicey Note

2009-05-05T21:30:00.003-05:00

Dear Readers,

I just wanted to post quick to say that I am very busy this week with school, and won't be able to write anything until my Top Ten on Friday. So please feel free to take up any issues with a lack of blogging this week with The Kicker. I need to graduate people. Then it will be blogging smoothe sailing. I'll be blogging so often it will be like Tweeting, but less annoying.

Also, in regards to the top ten this week, I have decide to strike "Annoying politcally correct phrases" from the list of choices. To appease those who voted for it, I will write a general piece on why political correctness is annoying and absurd (coming next Monday). I will be plenty sarcastic, as I'm sure you are all looking for, but I will not be running down a complete top ten list of annoying politically correct terms. I have changed my mind and that is final.

With that in mind, please recast your vote for another choice in the poll, otherwise as it stands right now, I will be running down the top ten reasons to skip class.

That is all. Have a good week, and enjoy The Kicker until Friday.

Love,
Juice

Kicker Hates..."That Guy"

2009-05-04T22:17:00.002-05:00

Well, I was harassed by little Juice so I decided to pump out a quick blog entry. I refuse to call it a column or else we'll go bankrupt like every newspaper in America. (Unless they are like the Minneapolis Star Tribune who ask Twins fans walking into the game to buy the newspaper...good luck with that by the way)

Anyway, I was reflecting the other day about how many people I dislike. Now, unlike your usual racist/sexist/communist I do not hate real groups of people but instead types of people (that sounds much better). In this case, I hate "that guy". I plan on making this a whole series of people and you will all relate perfectly to everyone one of them.

The first guy I hate is "guy who thinks he is awesome because he was a great athlete at a really small school". I was on my campus the other day and realized my entire school is full of these people, but none more than this one kid. He walks around with his pierced ears, Hollister athletic shorts and cocky ass grin on his face, and for what reason you ask?

Because he was awesome at 9-man football. Yes, apparently that means something, to someone, somewhere and he just happens to be someone I see everyday.

This is the guy who when you walk into his dorm room is watching his high school highlight video with the skanky girl from upstairs to try and impress her. This is the guy who wears his conference champs t-shirt with the opponents name and score of the game on his shirt to class like 3 times a week. The shirt reads something like this: (This is football by the way)
Opponent Score
Pineville-Meyertown-Hickson 63-5 (yes, 5)
Davidson-Alberton-Dayton 111-7

You get the point...anyway, I hate this guy. I hate all guys like him. But most of all, I hate the stupid shit they say.

"When I was in high school we only had 18 kids in my class and it was fun". No, it wasn't fun. It was only fun because you had no other experiences and had to associate with the other douchey guys and ugly girls who make up your pathetic village.

Oh yea, another thing about this guy is he probably ends up dating a girl who is way to hot for him but only after she slept with 1/2 the guys on his dorm floor and they all know it but he doesn't. If anyone doesn't know the kind of guy I am talking about, I hope you can better relate to tomorrow's guy of "weight room guy". Let me tell you, I hate weight room guy.

Back to guy who thinks he is awesome because he was a great athlete at a really small school. He goes out for the college team and makes it but never plays, but tells everyone who doesn't know better that he is hurt or coach hates him. He makes sure to wear his team issued sweatpants, sweatshirt, under armour, shoes, head band, hat and warm-up every day he isn't wearing his high school conference champions shirt or his "weight room warrior" shirt from high school.

This guy walks around like he owns the place, he has the same look as Kobe Bryant when Kobe goes off for 60, but he has it because he graced you with his presence in your 8am history class.

I could honestly go on forever about "this guy" but I have finals this week and I was tricked into writing this by little Juice. However, I like this and even though Jim Rome has similar rants, mine will be different and likely more profane as time goes on. This might be a weekly thing or just happens whenever I feel like bitchin' about shit.

-The Kicker

Random Thoughts...

2009-05-02T14:00:00.001-05:00

...I always suspected that pigs would eventually kill us all. (Juice)

...So apparently the Yankees just figured out the economy is not doing great and people are in fact NOT willing to sell their souls. (The Kicker)

...Yes, but you must remember that Yankees fans never had souls to begin with. (Juice)

...It's annoying whe people talk about teams trading for or signing players, and say their team should only acquire a player if he is healthy. Why do people say this? Of course you should only acquire someone is healthy. It should go without saying. You aren't going to say, "well this guy has a torn ACL, and is out for the year, but I'll give up a players or millions of dollars for him anyway because he is awesome at being injured." (Juice)

...Have you ever thought about hand towels? You take all this time to wash your hands, hopefully with soap because if not you are a retarded jack ass, and then you whipe your hands on this towel that a bunch of other people have wiped their hands on. Doesn't this kind of defeat the purpose of washing your hands? Think of all the gross stuff people touch before they wipe their hands on a towel, too. People are disgusting. It's no wonder we are all going to die from swine flu. (Juice)

...Males and fat girls should be required to wear underwears at all times. I was sitting in class the other day when an apparently underwearless guy in front of me stood up. I got a whole lot of man ass. This is not ok. Someone needs to police this by checking to make sure every guy and fat girl is wearing underwear before they leave the house. I nominate The Kicker. (Juice)

...Reader Lisa Hawkinson pointed out the absurdity of using the phrase "go fuck yourself" as an insult. I completely agree that this is insane. It is in no way an insult. I mean, who doesn't want to fuck themself? I know I do. But then again, I am pretty, so maybe it is different for ugly people. You'd have to ask The Kicker that. (Juice)

...Umm....I don't even know how to respond to this video. I would, though, like to give a shoutout to the homeless guy who said "this ain't Easter." I believe the term you were looking for is Halloween, sir. (Juice)

...The new Transformers trailer is out, and if you think the first movie didn't have a plot, you ain't seen nothing yet. Unless Megan Fox gets naked, which she won't because the movie is PG-13, I can't think of a good reason to see this movie. The first one wasn't very good, Michael Bay is a tool, and as far as I can tell from the trailer, Revenge of the Fallen just looks like a combination of the first Transformers and Armageddon. And that isn't a good thing. (Juice)

...Speaking of movies about cartoons from the 80s, here is the trailer to G.I. Joe The Rise of Cobra. If you are a fan of the original G.I. Joe don't watch it, all it will do is make you depressed. I feel like they should have consulted the fans of the orginal Transformers and G.I. Joe before they made these crappy movies. (Juice)

Juice's Top Ten: Sports Rivalries

2009-05-01T14:21:00.012-05:00

Since I didn't specify what I meant by "sports rivalries" in the poll, I'm going to use current rivalries. History matters, of course, but you won't find Ali vs Frazier on this list. I'm going with current sports rivalries because every shmuck in the world has made a list of all time rivalries and they are all basically the same; where, on the flip side, only every other shmuck has a list of current sports rivalries so they are a little less common. Although, also basically all the same as well.

Also, before I start, anyone who claims something is "too one-sided to be a rivalry," needs to buy a dictionary and look up the term "rival." It has nothing to do with who wins, it has to do with the competition between the two teams.

Oh, and the poll is up for next week's top ten, so vote away!

Now on to this week's list...

10b. Minnesota Vikings vs. Green Bay Packers
10a. Minnesota Twins vs. Chicago White Sox

My homer picks. Nobody outside of Minnesota, Green Bay, and Chicago actually cares about these rivalries, but I do and it is my list. Personally, the Twins vs. White Sox is the most important rivalry to me, but most of the country doesn’t even realize they are rivals. As for the Packers and Vikings, that rivalry matters more to Vikings fans than Packers fans. The Packers vs. Bears rivalry is far more important in Green Bay than the Packers vs. Bears. But like I said, this is my homer pick so my teams make 10b and 10a. I absolutely loathe the White Sox, might I add.

9. Whatever Dumbass College Football Rivalry You Follow

Let’s be completely honest here. Every single college football rivalry is the exact same thing. Nobody actually gives a crap outside of those respective schools. And yes, that includes you Ohio State and Michigan. Nobody cares. So just pick whatever college football team you follow, and stick their number one rival in this spot.

8. Chicago Cubs vs. St. Louis Cardinals

This rivalry is underrated. It’s not the Cardinals and Cubs fault Midwest fans aren’t as insane and douchey as east coast fans. However, if you ask Cubs and Cardinals fans what team they hate the most; their answer will always be the Cubs for Cardinals fans, and the Cardinals for Cubs fans. Plus, the Cardinals seem to always find a way to compete, so on those rare occasions when the Cubs are actually good, the Cardinals are usually their main competition. Seeing as how the Cubs are good this year, and the Cardinals are once again looking like contenders, I expect this rivalry to be even better than most seasons.

7. Chicago White Sox vs. Chicago Cubs/New York Yankees vs. New York Mets

These cross-town battles would probably be far more interesting if these teams played more often, but it seems the fans in these given cities seem to care quite a bit. Had the Mets actually been good in 2000, Subway Series fever probably would have swept the nation. Instead, they were swept. I think the people that live in these cities with two teams make too big a deal about their rivalry (they’re in different leagues after all) but Chicago and New York are so big, and the rest of the country finds the Cubs and Yankees so interest, that these battles become rivalries.

6. Tiger Woods vs. Phil Mickelson

Here is the first point on the list where stupid people will say, “This isn’t a rivalry, Tiger always beats Phil.” This is true, but that isn’t what it means to be “rivals.” Just ask Webster. The fact is, Tiger and Phil hate each other. Of course, pretty much everybody hates Phil and loves Tiger, so not only does Tiger dominate on the course, but in every other walk of life as well. Plus Tiger’s fist pump is way cooler than Phil’s awkward jump.

5. Philadelphia Phillies vs. New York Mets

There isn’t a ton of history to this particular rivalry, but in the last couple of years these two teams have gotten pretty intense. Both teams have talked smack in the media, and the division has come down to Philadelphia and New York the last two years. And probably will again. And hey, maybe this will finally be the year New York doesn’t pull a spectacular choke job.

4. New England Patriots vs. Indianapolis Colts

Again, not a lot of history to the Patriots vs. Colts rivalry, but it seems these two always go head to head for the AFC Championship, at least in the past decade or so. Couple that with the competition between the two best quarterbacks in Tom “Dreamy” Brady, and Peyton “Infinitely Less Dreamy” Manning, and you have yourself a full fledged rivalry.

3. Rafael Nadal vs. Roger Federer

I’m not big on tennis. But, then again, I don’t think anybody is all that big on tennis. The fact is, however, these two seem to meet in the finals of every major tournament. I put it at three, because they are by far the two best players in their sport, and are pretty much the only two that can even get people to watch tennis. Maybe Andy Roddick can get some viewers, but he is a failure. A massive failure. Then again, anyone who has a wife like Brooklyn Decker (see pic right), probably can’t be considered a failure.

2. Duke vs. North Carolina (Men’s Basketball)

Duke and North Carolina almost always play compelling games. The fans of these teams are arguably more passionate than any in sports (they aren’t actually, but one could make the argument). I’m not a huge college basketball fan, I enjoy it, but I’ not a huge fan, and I always find the Duke vs. North Carolina matchup compelling. I can only imagine what it would be like for people who actually live in North Carolina. But, then again, what else is there to do in North Carolina?

1. New York Yankees vs. Boston Red Sox

Anyone who tries to claim the Yankees vs. Red Sox isn’t the premiere rivalry in sports now, or ever, is an idiot. No way around it. People who don’t like these teams always try to claim nobody outside of New York and Boston cares about the Yankees vs. Red Sox rivalry. The fact is, however, there is a completely different energy to games between these two teams. Any true baseball fan finds this rivalry compelling. Between the history, and the fact that the two teams just plain don’t like each other, nothing can ever match Yankees vs. Red Sox. And if you think otherwise, you are retahded.

-Juice

The Death of the Pitching Staff

2009-04-28T22:27:00.006-05:00

There has been a disturbing trend in Major League Baseball the last few years: The structure of teams pitching staffs.

We are long removed from the days of four man pitching rotations, and guys pitching up to 300 innings. This isn't necessarily a bad thing; however, the disturbing part is how many teams are shying away from an eleven pitching staff (the commonplace ever since teams introduced the five man rotation) and moving towards 12 or 13 man staffs.

I'm not trying to sound like baseball relic, listening to the old school pitchers complain about how "back in their day you had to pry the ball out of my hand if you wanted to get me off the mound," gets incredibly annoying, after all. (I'm looking at you Mr. Bert Blyleven.) With that said, there is at least a little merit in what they are advocating.

Pitches aren't becoming bigger pansys, they are just being brought up in a culture that breeds lower pitch counts, and plenty of bullpen help.

The problem is that there just aren't enough quality arms for every team to have seven or eight solid options out of the bullpen. Instead of having five starting pitchers, who are trained to pitch seven innings on a given night, there are five starting pitchers who are trained to pitch five to seven innings depending on how far they can get on a 100 pitch limit. That can leave up to four innings to get through with relief pitchers. Couple this with the fact that most relievers are trained to only go one inning, sometimes even less (see Reyes, Denys), and you have a yourself and overworked staff.

The problem with this system, is that it's a lot harder for a relief pitcher to warm up, throw 25 pitches, sit down, and try and do that again the next day. This is much more difficult that a starter warming himself up and chugging through seven innings.

This is where the change needs to take place. The pitching staff needs to be set up as follows:

Five starters: Trained not by pitch counts, but to make it through seven innings. This won't always work, but I'm not advocating demolishing the bullpen, just tweaking it.

Closer: Trained to pitch more innings. If you need this guy for a two inning, or even three inning, save he should be able to do that. Why leave the best reliever on the bench during the most important time in the game?

Setup: This could be a lefty or righty, but is essentially your "number two closer." He's the guy you are most confident in getting some outs in the seventh our eigth inning on days when you don't want to overwork your closer. Guys would still need some rest.

Middle relievers: One lefty, and one righty. These are the guys would come in on days when your starter struggles. Or, if they pitched a stressful five or six innings (a lot of baserunners, tough situations, etc.) you can go to one of these guys in the sixth or seventh. These guys would also be available for specific righty-righty, or lefty-lefty matchups.

Long reliever: The one "mop-up" guy. There will be days when your starting pitcher just doesn't have it. That happens. If your starter gets lit up like Chien Ming Wang, you need another option. Now, this doesn't mean you pull the plug after two innings if the starter gives up five runs, pitchers need to be a little more resilient than that.

That would equate to five starters and five relievers and, if a team chooses, you could add in an extra lefty just in case you want both a lefty and right setup guy. The key, of course, to all this working is rethinking how starting staffs operate.

It would not take that long to change the mentality of a starting pitcher. Once an arm is warmed up, there isn't a big difference between throwing 100 pitches and 125 pitches. Often times, that is the difference between going five or six innings, or going seven innings. If teams rethink how they train pitchers in the minor leagues, it would make the game as a whole much better.

The way it is now, teams complain about the lack of pitching. The fact is, however, that the problem isn't too little pitching, it is too much pitching. If you train your quality pitchers to pitch more innings, it will alleviate the concerns of an untrustworthy, and overworked, bullpen.

-Juice

Random Thoughts...

2009-04-25T10:00:00.000-05:00

...Gotta live and die with the Cubs (The Kicker)

...How do you not throw in a diehard pun there? Or a pun about bleeding blue and red? (Which is technically true for everyone but you get my point.) Or at least a Bartman joke. I'm calling The Kicker out. (Juice)

...Chimpanzee riding on a segway. That video will either ruin your week or make it 1000 times better. It all depends on how you look at it. (Juice)

...I wonder if he is any good (The Kicker)

...I'm not impressed until a kid throws at least five straight no hitters. (Juice)

...Are you impressed by this? Because I am extremely annoyed by it (The Kicker)

...The perfect game girl bothers me, because she got national attention after throwing one Little League perfect game. The high school kid had to throw four no hitters before anybody even noticed. Why is it such a big deal that a girl threw a perfect game in Little League? If a boy did it nobody would notice. It's sexist. I'm not even female and that bothers me. (Juice)

...By the way, who decided four was the magic number of no hitters to gain some sort of national attention? Three isn't enough? I would say even two is at least worth mentioning. Have you ever watched a high school pitcher? Most of them can't even last three innings, let alone throw a complete game no hitter. (Juice)

...They mentioned it after three and ESPN ran a small tidbit on ESPN.com after two, but who's counting...well, ESPN apparently (The Kicker)

...Obscure references on espn.com doesn't count as National attention, champ. (Juice)

...How is this allowed or encouraged by the parents? Only in America... and Europe because that's the key to the story. (The Kicker)

...I found myself saying "it is windy as fuck out" the other day. After doing so, I started pondering the idea of saying something is "(insert phrase) as fuck." Rarely does this actually make sense. "Windy as fuck" certainly does not make sense. Is their a progression of swearing to show how intense something is? (Damn, shit, etc.) If that is the case, I obviously exaggerated because windy as fuck would be a tornado or hurricane. I guess my point is indiscriminately swearing to describe something is completely ridiculous. Regardless, I just set a new record for number of times "fuck" was used in a fifty word sequence on this site. So that's something I suppose. (Juice)

...Also, another thing I, and many other people, say is "very true." This doesn't make sense either. If something is true then it is just true. Something that is very true isn't truer than something that is true. Truth is truth. Think about it.(Juice)

...Have you seen those commercials for charities that supply laptops to impoverished children in Africa? I don't have a link but they show them on Hulu (one of the greatest inventions ever) quite a bit. My question is, though, shouldn't they be advocating sending kids food, clothing and other necessities? Computers can be helpful, but I think food and clothing is a little more important. Or have we just gotten to the point where we say "here's a computer try and find some cheap food and clothing on Ebay?" (Juice)

...Note: If you actually buy food on Ebay, you probably have some issues. (Juice)

...So its been sunny back to back days. Very rare. I decide to turn on the weather channel to see the full day forecast and all I see is "T-storms" for the whole weekend, gotta love false hope from weather (The Kicker)

...Have you seen the story about the high school cheerleading coach who got fired for posing in Playboy? That drives me nuts. So she posed for a few pictures to make a little extra money, who cares? And anybody who plays the "she's a role model for younger girls and shouldn't do that kind of thing" card can go fuck themselves. Why does it matter that she posed for a few pictures? It's not like she murdered someone. People need to get over their obsession with nudity being a big deal. There are way worse things kids are exposed to than a pair of boobs. I just don't get it. If you were offered a fairly substantial amount of money to pose naked for a reputable publication why wouldn't you do it? It's just nudity. I'd do it for like $20. I mean, come on. Unbelievable. By the way here are her pictures if you are curious. Don't click that if you are morally opposed to attractive naked girls though. (Juice)

...Not only is this completely absurd, but Eric Byrnes is prominently involved; and nobody wants to be like Eric Byrnes. Also, the quote Mark Reynolds gives is fantastic. (Juice)

...Would you rather attend a Nickelback concert or stick a fork in an electrical outlet? I think the answer is pretty obvious. (Juice)

...There needs to be more emphasis placed on how mentally competent a person must before they are allowed to drive. Yesterday I saw someone driving an SUV who I was 90% was drunk. (Note that it was one in the afternoon.) This person was neglicting to use their turn signal, cutting multiple off, and swerving all over the place. Eventually I caught up to them when I was turning, and I looked over and it was an Asian woman driving. Now I realize this is perpetuating a stereotype, but if you don't want people to stereotype you, then don't do the things you are stereotyped for. Driving isn't that hard, why are so many people terrible at it?(Juice)

...And finally, happy birthday to Juice. (Juice) - Yep, I just wished myself happy birthday in the third person.

Juice's Weekly Top Ten: Minnesota Sports Icons

2009-04-24T15:41:00.007-05:00

First of all, thanks to everyone who voted in the poll, there will be another one up shortly regarding next weeks top ten, so continue to check in. And feel free to vote as often as you would like. Stuffing the ballot box is not only allowed, but encouraged.

Given the poll results, today’s list will be sports related. With that in mind, I have decided to run down the top Minnesota sports figures of all time. Pretty self explanatory and I’m sure you all know who is number one already, but maybe there will be some surprises along the way.
And away we go.

10. Dave Winfield

This tenth spot was kind of difficult to decide on, but I put Winfield here because he played literally every sport at the U of M. Seriously. Everything. He was actually captain of the water polo team, in case you are wondering. The fact that he is from Minnesota was the final icing on his tenth position cake. Plus he is 900 feet tall.

9. Fran Tarkenton

Fran Tarkenton is obviously before my time so I don’t know a whole lot about him. I just kind of assume old people like him. I dunno. Maybe I’m wrong. His name is Fran, though, so I suppose that is fun.

8. Kevin Garnett

You know, honestly, I never really cared about Kevin Garnett. I guess it was cool to have one of the best players in the NBA in the late nineties and most of the 2000’s but he never really did it for me. He was by far the most popular and well known sports figure in Minnesota during that time period, though, so I’ll put him on the list.

7. Tony Oliva

Tony O. Everyone loves Tony O. At a Twins game last year he was sitting like ten rows behind me and The Kicker. I’m not really sure why Tony Oliva had worse seats than us, but I guess it is kind of fun that he sits amongst the common folk. I moved him down on the list just because his career was cut short due to injury. I do thoroughly enjoy how I can only understand about 30% of what he says though.

6. Herb Brooks

As everyone knows I am not a hockey guy. Herb Brooks, though, is kind of an important figure in sports history. You know, because of the whole Miracle on Ice thing. He is probably the face of team USA actually, since the whole point was there were no super stars; although, technically the Miracle on Ice had almost nothing to do with hockey. But that’s neither here nor there.

5. Bud Grant

Again, Bud Grant was before my time, but he coached the Vikings during those years when they tended to make the Super Bowl. They would lose, but at least they would make it. Plus when the current coach is Brad Childress, it just makes you long even more for someone who is competent to lead the team.

4. Rod Carew

If you need to find a reason to like Rod Carew, which by the way there are plenty, look no further than his batting stance. How anyone can not only hit like that, but be one of the greatest contact hitters in the history of baseball is beyond me.

3. Kent Hrbek

Hrbek isn’t the greatest player in Twins history or anything, and too be quite frank, I would say most fans overrate him, but he is very likeable. I’m not saying Hrbek wasn’t good, he definitely was, and he was very important to both of the Twins’ World Series championships. And, out of everyone on this list, he is probably the guy you would most want to have a beer with. I say have a beer, because if you were sharing a case with Hrbie that is all you would get. He would drink the other 23.

2. Harmon Killebrew

Regarded as one of the nicest athletes in Minnesota history, Killebrew was the man in Minnesota during his reign on the Twins. It is impressive how popular he is with a generation of people that never actually got a chance to see him play, but everyone young and old loves Harmon Killebrew. It is impossible not to.

1. Kirby Puckett

Kirbyyyyyyyyyy Puckett. That introduction from Bob Casey will always send shivers down Twins fans spines. Puckett is, without a doubt, not only the most beloved sports figure in Minnesota history, but the most beloved public figure period. There is no argument. No debate. No question. If you say otherwise you are dead wrong. Between his skills and smile on the field, and the way he interacted with fans off the field, it was impossible to not love Kirby Puckett. It’s just too bad we lost him way too soon.

Personally, I remember getting Puckett’s autograph when I was about nine. I was stuck in a group of people surrounding Kirby, and was being forced out of the group by the people rushing in. After getting the autograph, I forgot to grab my pen, and Kirby turned to me and said “hey kid you want your pen back?” Easily the most star struck I have ever been, and probably will ever be. I don’t think I mustered any words, but I grabbed my pen and sauntered away. I’ll always remember that. Nobody will ever be as beloved as #34, Kirby Puckett.

As a final note, I realize this list is baseball heavy, and there is a reason that beyond the fact that baseball is my sport. Baseball players are more revered than other athletes. They are immortalized, and made legendary more than athletes from any other sport. Yes, there are plenty of transcendent figures in every sport, but the biggest of them all usually come from baseball. That’s just how it how it has always been.

Honorable Mention:
Randy Moss
Paul Moiltor
Brad Radke
Torii Hunter
Ron Coomer (Just kidding)

God vs. Ghosts

2009-04-22T23:25:00.003-05:00

Ok before I begin this post, I would like to note three things:

1. This is a completely random topic, I don't know what made it pop into my head, but I was pondering the idea recently and it started bugging me. So now you all get to enjoy the wonderful world of my warped mind.

2. This is completely unrelated to sports, but I like to shake things up every once in awhile.

3. I don't necessarily mean to offend anyone. Well, other than Catholics, of course.

I was pondering life yesterday, in the shower I believe (I think better in the nude). I started thinking about ghosts, not sure why, I’m just odd I supposed. More specifically, I started to think about how many people I know believe in ghosts, and comparing that number to the number of people who believe in God.

I came to the conclusion that almost everybody I know, or at least everyone I know well enough to understand their religious beliefs, either believes in God, or is at least open to the idea of the existence of God. So, working under that assumption, lets just say that number is 100% - essentially 100% of people I know fairly well believe in God.

Now, I must ask, how many of those people believe in ghosts? Or supernatural beings, or whatever you want to call them. I would guess that number is significantly smaller. In fact, I would venture to say more people do not believe in ghosts than people who do; or, at best, the numbers are 50/50 on the pro ghost anti ghost debate.

There is a discrepancy here, however. Believing in God, is equally absurd as believing in ghosts.

Anyone who claims an all knowing, all seeing, all powerful omniscient being is more logical than a disembodied spirit of a deceased human, is ignorant. Plain and simple. Technically, both ideas are absurd, so what makes one more absurd than the other? Because the existence of God is more widely accepted, that makes it more logical? That is the absolute epitome of ignorance. The majority opinion is not always the correct opinion.

Now, this brings up a greater issue with religious ideology in general.

All religions are founded on the concept that the ideas they set forth are correct, and everyone else is wrong. The fact is, however, whether you believe the teachings of Christianity, Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism, a monkey alien warlord, or anything else, your ideas are illogical. They just are. This doesn’t make them wrong necessarily; it just makes them devoid of reason. (The divisiveness of organized religions, however, is wrong, and the reason that their existence is not only bad, but dangerous, for humanity. But that is a whole other issue.)

No religious belief system is based on logic, which is why they simply call it faith. Again, this doesn’t make your faith wrong, necessarily, it just makes a practice founded on passion as opposed reason.

People who believe ghosts are the exact same way.

Many ghost believers are equally fanatical on the “we’re right you’re wrong” front, but their ideas have a similar level of rationality. And, technically, one would likely have a much easier time arguing the existence of supernatural beings than the existence of God – who is in principle a supernatural being as well, by the way. Poor logic is just one (of many) problem(s) I have with staunchly religious people. Ghosts are just the example I have chosen to focus on here.

Most of the lunatic religious (I’m looking at you Captain Catholic) are completely caught up in the idea that the Bible and their religion’s teachings are absolute. So much so that they throw anything even resembling reason out the window. Ghosts can’t exist because when people die their spirit (which in and of itself is absurd) automatically goes to heaven or hell. Or, possibly, purgatory; you know, if you are into that sort of thing. This is more rational than the idea that people remain on earth as disembodied beings? Really?

Oh wait, no it isn’t.

Technically, neither one makes sense. Technically dead things are dead. And, fine, if you believe in some other mystical force, just don’t try to claim your mystical force is better than some other mystical force – My God could so beat up your God!

I know “religious” people who literally laugh at the idea of supernatural beings. They neglect one tiny detail, however: Their entire belief system is based on a supernatural being. Your supernatural being is not more rational than any other super natural being. If you are going to believe in God, you are essentially obligated to at least acknowledge that ghosts may exist. You are not obligated to believe in them, but you are a raging hypocrite if you do not at least acknowledge their existence. Quit simply, you are an ass.

I’m not here to decide who is right and who is wrong. That is an unanswerable question, people believe what they believe and that’s just the way it has always been and will always be.

All I’m asking is for people who have one set of illogical beliefs, to accept the fact that another set of illogical beliefs is possible. It doesn’t matter what you believe, it matters how you react to what others believe. If you are so blinded by the fact that “I’m right and you’re wrong,” you are not a morally righteous person, no matter what your belief system tells you.

I’m not saying everyone should believe in ghosts. I’m not saying everybody should believe in God. All I’m saying is, if you believe in one, you are obligated to acknowledge the possibility of the other’s existence. Otherwise, you have no argumentative footing to stand on, you have no ability to be taken seriously, and you look like an ignorant fool.

If you don’t believe me, maybe you should hop in the shower. The nudity might help you think.

-Juice

Today's Game Has Been Delayed

2009-04-22T16:29:00.004-05:00

Today was going to be a good day. I slept well, woke up around 9:30am and was ready to go. After a quick bowl of cereal and a long shower (long showers are my favorite, sorry Mother Nature) I did some homework, studied a bit but planned my day around the 11:35am CST first pitch of the Twins @ Red Sox game.

I was anticipating a decent game as both teams had been playing well. The Sox were had 42 year old knuckleballer Tim Wakefield on the mound against the Twins Scott Baker. Well, part way through the third inning I decided it should be Scott "Take me deep" Baker, or various other versions of his name taking it hard, long and deep. However, Wakefield was baffling Twins hitters as they constantly hit weak popups and failed to get anything going. Then the rain came.

In this case, rain doesn't help the Twins as they were down 10-1 in the 8th. As the game went from boring to delayed, I realized that Twins fans everywhere should take note.

Next year, when outdoor baseball arrives in Minnesota, we better prepare for more than our fair share of delays and cancellations. Now, I don't mind this. It makes for some double headers, less fans after the rain delay and great stories about how I spent 9 hours to watch a game because the snow plow broke down.

I am going to be disappointed when a game is rained/snowed out because I love watching the Twins on TV. But, I will take a few more baseballless (thats a lot of consecutive Ls) nights in the summer for the glory of outdoor baseball. Sitting outside on a Wednesday night, 75 degrees, stars are shining, Twins are playing. Not a better feeling in the sports world than a good outdoor baseball game.

So as we move forward Twins fans, we must remember there will be rainouts. There might be snowouts but there undoubtedly will be great games, memories and yes, even weather as we transition from the marshmallow known as the Dome to Target Field, where the Twins and Spot the Dog will call home.

-The Kicker

NFL Draft: The Preview

2009-04-21T16:29:00.002-05:00

I am not a draft lover. I like the draft, I like to see who my favorite team picks and how far "guaranteed" top 10 picks can fall (ala Aaron Rodgers) but no one actually likes the draft, besides Mel Kiper Jr.

Pick #1 belongs to the lowly Detroit Lions. If they select a quarterback, his career is basically fucked. You can't win with that team, no matter how good Calvin Johnson is. With a putrid defense, an offensive line that couldn't block me and Juice and an overall football attitude of "we suck", its doomed to fail. Now, I don't care how bad the Lions mess up someones career, they have an awesome new logo (PLEASE note the sarcasm)

But my issues with the draft extend FAR beyond the first overall pick, but mainly rest between each pick. Football is a slow game. No one in their right mind can deny that football games, especially pro, should be sped up. As much as I love watching a touchdown, PAT, commercial, kickoff, commercial sequence...it gets a little old. So the 15 minutes (it might be 10 minutes now?) between picks is a bit much. If it is 15 minutes between picks it takes just over an hour to get through pick #4. Unless of course Mike Tice is drafting an picks come rapid fire because of some goofy rule that says when your time is up, its everyone elses turn. Granted, only Mike Tice would ever allow that to happen.

The insane time allotments aside, is there any event more over-hyped than the NFL Draft? How many of these players will matter next year? And of the players who matter how many will you actually notice? ESPN's Todd McShay has four offensive tackles going in the top 10. Yea, 40% of the top ten is offensive lineman. I understand the importance of the O-line, and Detroits newest quarterback will wish he had a capable one, but how boring is it going to be to hear Mel Kiper go on and on about the ability of these very large men to block? Thats a great way to spend your Saturday!

Even after the annoyance of waiting hours to see picks, hearing analyst ramble on about good and bad picks (apparently each of them is unbelievably knowledgeable and could do a better job running a team, but just doesnt want to and turns down offers every year) the worst part of the draft and I mean the worst part is how every somewhat talented guy who gets drafted too late has character issues or is a steal. No one ever just falls because of the position they play or lack of competition they faced in college. I realize not all NFL players are great people (See: Jones, Adam "Pacman") but sometimes teams just dont want or like a guy because of how he plays.

So sorry to Mel Kiper Jr. and his fellow analyst but I will not be watching your coverage this year. The only interesting subplots to me are who my team drafts and how loud the New York Jets fans can boo when their team drafts.

-The Kicker

Where Bigger Than the Game Happens

2009-04-20T18:20:00.008-05:00

My lack of caring about the NBA is well documented. I'm just not a fan. The league doesn’t produce interesting or compelling basketball. This is the reason I prefer college, or even high school, hoops. Not that I am a huge fan of those either, but I enjoy the occasional basketball game from time to time.

With that said, I may actually watch the NBA Finals under one circumstance: Los Angeles Lakers vs. Cleveland Cavaliers.

Now, I wouldn't watch every game, or even really care who wins (although I do prefer Lebron over Kobe), but I might watch with relative interest. It could potentially be one of those epic matchups in sports history. Or it could be a complete dud. Luckily, though, the NBA is completely rigged so we're guaranteed to find out.

Can't you just see David Stern dressed up as, let’s say, the Hamburglar, running up to Kevin Garnett, and smacking him in the knee with a lead pipe, all while laughing hysterically and screaming "it's Lebron's turn bitch, you're old news!"? Because I certainly can. If we have learned anything over the years of “random” ping pong balls on draft lottery day, and referee scandals, it is that David Stern is a maniac who has complete control over everything in the NBA. Things always go his way, because he makes sure they do.

The three man veteran show of the Boston Celtics was the compelling story last year, but now there is only one thing anybody cares about: Kobe vs Lebron. With all due respect to Chris Paul, Dwayne Wade, and the unbelievably ripped Dwight Howard, nobody outside of your respective cities actually wants to watch you succeed. You just aren't interesting.

The reason for this is fairly simple: The NBA is built around players rather than teams.

Which, might I add, is completely the NBA marketing department’s fault. Pimping players instead of teams is just how the NBA has always done things. Players are bigger than the team, and the biggest players are even bigger than the game. This just isn’t the case in other sports.

Take for example Alex Rodriguez and Tom Brady, arguably the biggest stars of their respective sports. Each was injured at the beginning of the season, and either missed the whole year (Brady) or has yet to come back (Arod). Yet, nobody even bats an eyelash. Sure their ailments created fodder for awhile, but their time off never deterred fans from watching baseball or football, or following their favorite team.

Now just imagine if Kobe or Lebron tore an ACL. See you later. Bandwagon is empty. Maybe less so in the Lakers case, but people would abandon the Cavs faster than Benny “the Jet” Rodriguez stealing home. And, furthermore, the NBA’s ratings and attendance as a whole would take a hit. People tune into watch the stars, not the teams.

I am definitely the same way. I couldn’t possibly care less about any professional basketball team, but I do find the Kobe vs. Lebron matchup at least marginally compelling. And, quite frankly, I would rather watch Kobe and Lebron play one on one and just go without the rest of the players on the court (no offense to D.J. Mbenga or Sasha Pavlovic).

Pimping stars is just the way NBA works. Luckily that means an all but guaranteed collision course for the Lakers and Cavs in the finals. David Stern will see to it.

Maybe though, for the sake of full disclosure, he should change the NBA slogan to “where bigger than the game happens.”

-Juice

Random Thoughts...

2009-04-18T12:00:00.001-05:00

..."An angry young man with plenty of ability..." That is how ESPN describes Elijah Dukes in its fantasy projection section on espn.com. Seriously. Look. You can't make this stuff up. (Juice)

...My girlfriend and I were watching The Millionaire Matchmaker the other day, and the millionaire who was trying to be matched up was former NFL "star" Matthew Hatchette. My mind was blown by seeing the former Viking on this show ,but I was even more surprised to learn that Hatchette is a millionaire (The Kicker)

...What happened to the days when athletes had cool nicknames? The Admiral, The Mailman, The Big Hurt, The Big Unit, The Juice (OJ not me), The Splendid Splinter, The Say Hey Kid, The Georgia Peach, Pistol Pete, etc. There are no fun nicknames anymore. Now all we get is the shortening of a person's name or their initials: LT, MJ, Arod, Irod, CP3 etc. It is just lame. People aren't clever anymore or what? (Juice)

...Is there a worse feeling than waking up 20 minutes before your alarm goes off? (The Kicker)

...I'm going to say "yes," and go with sodomy. (Juice)

..."Ashton Kutcher is first to reach 1 million followers in Twitter contest with CNN." That was breaking news on CNN Thursday night. What the hell is the world coming to? I thought breaking news was for things that actually mattered? Plus I saw Ashton Kutcher's name and got all excited because I thought he was dead. I was sorely disappointed. Ok. Just kidding. That was mean. He is a giant tool though. (Juice)

...Ha. Take that fatty. (Juice)

..John Madden announced his retirement a few days ago. And, while I know how much everyone complains about him, and mocks him, I also know that everyone is going to miss him. You know it's true. If nothing else you will definitely miss his incoherent rambling and overuse of the word "penetration." Ah, memories... (Juice)

...There was a shot of Scott Baker and Kevin Slowey in the dugout on Wednesday, after Baker had gotten lit up for 6 runs in 4 innings, where Slowey is sitting there looking like he is explaining a physics problem and Baker has the "get the fuck away from me I just gave up 6 runs in 4 innings" look on his face. It made me smile. I enjoy the overly close, possibly homoerotic relationship between Slowey, Baker, Nick Blackburn, and Glenn Perkins. Of course I would enjoy it a hell of a lot more if they weren't getting lit up every time they take the mound... (Juice)

...Wow. (The Kicker)

...Asher Roth is the biggest tool on the planet. If you don't know who I'm talking about, he is the guy who sings this terrible song. I hate Asher Roth. He is terrible at everything; or, at least, he is terrible at making music, and based on what little I know about him, I assume he has no other talents. Not only that, but he is the whitest person on the planet and is trying to rap. It's like if Zac Efron decided to start rapping, but worse. Normally I would be afraid to make fun of rappers, you know since they all carry guns and have gigantic posses, but I don't think that is the case with Asher Roth. And, if he does have posse, it is probably the cast of Gossip Girl or some shit anyway. Scary. (Juice)

...I wrote about how awesome the Real World Road Rules Challenge is the other day, but what I forgot to mention is the completely ridiculous, completely hilarious, and possibly offensive opening credits. I don't even know what to say about them so just watch for yourselves. (Juice)

...Norm Coleman needs to just go away. Mr. Coleman, you are a weasel and nobody wants you around anymore. Just go away. You lost. Deal with it. Remember at the very beginning of the recount process when you thought you won and said if you were in Al Franken shoes you wouldn't put people through a lengthy recount? How's that working out for you? Seriously, everyone is sick you of you. Your daughter is kind of cute though. (Juice)

...The staff of College Humor have reached their apex with this video. (Juice)

...The story about missing St Thomas student Daniel Zamlen bothers me. Aside from the obvious fact that the whole situation is depressing, I have to say the case is being handled poorly. Being an eternal conspiracy theorist, I have always believed there is a serial killer situation with all the college aged males who have disappeared in the Midwest in the last few years, but that isn't even the point. What bothers me the most about this case is if this were a female who disappeared, everyone would immediately assume it was an abduction or assault and take the situation more seriously. Instead, it is a male so the process has dragged out to the point where solving the case is nearly impossible. It just seems like the police should take the case more seriously, especially when you consider the friend who hear him cry for help over the phone. Instead of just claiming that never actually happened (which is what the cops are doing) maybe that should actually be investigated. This kid didn't just randomly disappear. That doesn't make any sense. (Juice)

...Sorry. That was kind of a downer. Here's a picture of some puppies to make you feel better. (Juice)

...And finally, I stole this from my brother, who stole it from someone else, who probably stole it from someone else, so I'm not sure where it came from, but it makes me smile nonetheless. And it is actually pretty solid advice:

On a freezing cold day, in a farm field, a mother rabbit is leading her bunnies back to the warmth of their den. But the bunnies are so cold that they can't go on. So the mother, thinking quickly, sees a fresh, steaming cow pie nearby. She leads her bunnies to the cow pie and, one by one, sticks them in it. Just then, a nasty fox comes along, plucks the bunnies out of the cow pie and eats them.

The moral of the story: Not everyone that sticks you in a world of shit means you harm, and not everyone who pulls you out is your friend. (Juice)

Weekly Top Ten: Reasons Summer is better than Winter

2009-04-17T17:14:00.012-05:00

It was 72 degrees today, and it is about freaking time the weather warms up. Of course, it is supposed to snow on Sunday, but that is beside the point. I hate winter. A lot. On the flip side, I love summer. With that in mind, today I'm running down the top ten reasons summer is better than winter.

10. Thunderstorms

Who doesn’t love a good thunderstorm? It is like a blizzard, except not unpleasant in every single way. There is no better time to sleep than with the pitter patter of rain on the roof as you lay in bed. I defy anyone to say something bad about a thunderstorm, aside from severe ones that turn into tornados. Those aren’t as much fun. Still beats the hell out of a blizzard though.

9. Grilling/Bonfires

I combined these into one thing because they are relatively similar, mostly because they both involve fire. Who doesn’t love fire? The fact is there are few better foods on the planet than a burger grilled over charcoal (never gas). I love a good burger with some potato (pronounced potata) salad. Delicious. Follow that up with a bonfire and some beers, and you have yourself a pretty good little summer evening. I long for summer…

8. Flip Flops

I hate shoes. HATE THEM. I have officially switched into flip flop mode from here on out, which basically means my feet won’t be shoed (aside from for situation where shoes are required) until Octoberish. Free and easy, that’s the way I like it. And, by the way, the fact that shoes even exist, pisses me off. If the person(s) who invented shoes hadn’t been pansies, and rocked the flip flops year round, we would have evolved to the point where shoes wouldn’t be necessary, even during the colder months. Thanks a lot shoe inventing jackass(es).

7. No School

If I were 12 years old (in physical age, to go with my 12 year old maturity level), this would probably be a lot higher on the list, but since I’m 21 (soon to be 22!) the lack of school isn’t as important. Plus I am graduating in a month so I won’t have any school regardless. Either way, everyone loves time off from school.

6. No Snow

I can’t think of anything good to say about snow. It’s cold. It’s wet. It’s hard to drive in. It makes everything really bright when it’s sunny out. It just all around sucks. Plus, I don’t take part in any snow activities; I find them cold and unpleasant. What is fun about snow? I just don’t get it. Why do I live in Minnesota?

5. Outdoor Activities

This is a broad category obviously, but really doing anything outside in the summer is enjoyable, other than maybe digging a ditch or something, but even that beats the hell out of shoveling a driveway. I guess this category is more of a shout out to games like capture the flag, kick the can, tag, and all the other games kids playing during summertime. Speaking of which, I miss those games. Anyone want to get together for a game of capture the flag sometime? You know it would be awesome.

4. Tank Tops and Mini Skirts

Call me a dirtball if you must, but who can argue with gorgeous tanned legs, and omnipresent cleavage. That’s right, I just said omnipresent cleavage. By the way, one of the best days of the year is when girls bust out their skirts and tank tops for the first time in the spring. It is like Christmas, but with more erections. Every high school and college male knows what I’m talking about.

3. Golf

Golf is fantastic because it is slow and lazy, but you can still convince yourself it is physical activity. It combines competition with a leisurely stroll through a park. You get the simple joys of the woods, the beach, and usually a pond or two, all while cursing at a little white ball. Who doesn’t love that? (Not too mention the tank topped and mini skirted drink cart girls.)

2. Warm Weather

This is pretty obvious, but warm weather is about a million times better than cold: Long days, sunshine, t shirts, shorts, bare feet, and so on and so forth. And, by the way, call me crazy but I love a good old fashioned 90 degrees and humid day or two. I don’t need them all the time, but there is something oddly satisfying about running around in the heat and working up a good sweat…

1. Baseball

The boys of summer. That really says it all doesn’t it? Baseball is absolutely the greatest thing in the world. It is the ultimate symbol for the season of eternal life. Baseball just oozes summertime: sun drenched summer afternoons, and beautiful, endless starry summer nights. The word “summer” equates to baseball, and the word “baseball” equates to summer. And, as far as symbolic sports for a season go, baseball is infinitely better than winter’s hockey. That is like comparing the Special Olympics to the regular Olympics.

I’m sure I forgot some things (like the Fourth of July), so please feel free to throw out some summertime love in the comments section. Or, if you disagree, and think winter is better than summer, feel free to state your case. You are very wrong, and I will openly ridicule you, but feel free to go for it.

Oh and as a final note, don't google "boys of summer." A whole lot of gay porn comes up.

-Juice

The Strasburg Effect

2009-04-16T22:31:00.005-05:00

Remember Henry Rowengartner from Rookie of the Year? He threw around 100 mph, but had no off speed or breaking pitches. (Other than, of course, the floater.) Remember how he dominated hitters? Remember how he was the greatest pitcher ever?

Well now imagine if there was a junior at San Diego State with the same kind of fastball, no weird magically broken elbow, a mid-nineties slider, and a good changeup. Oh, and imagine he has impeccable control, having only walked 11 batters in 54.1 innings while striking 107. Yes, 107 strikeouts in 54.1 innings. Just imagine.

Now imagine if that player's agent was Scott Boras. Imagine if he were going to demand a 6 year $50 million contract before not only throwing a Major League pitch, but a professional pitch period. Just imagine.

Well guess what? That person exists. His name is Steven Strasburg, and he is being touted as one of, possibly the, greatest prospect of all time. The real life Henry Rowengartner. The next Cy Young. The man with the golden arm.

This is the man who could ruin baseball.

On the field, Strasburg is exactly what baseball needs to help distance the game from the steroid era - a dynamic young pitcher who could take the sport by storm. Financially, he could cripple the sport. Should he and Boras to make these ridiculous contract demands, or even worse, hold out by playing in an independent or Japanese league, it could set a damaging precedent. Future number one picks could say "If Strasburg held out for a mega-contract why shouldn't I?" This would mean the death of the small market franchise.

The economic outlook seemed to be turning with the Evan Longoria signing last season: a manageable contract for a young star player. Small market teams thrive on drafting players, developing those players, and signing them before their contract demands balloon out of control.

It is their only chance to establish a competitive club, and their means for establishing franchise continuity.

Small market clubs will go from not only being unable to afford top-notch established Major League talent, but the top notch prospects as well. They will be forced to pass over the best players in the draft, for fear they cannot sign them. Suddenly, teams like the Yankees will not only be stacked with veteran stars, but the most talented young players, as well. If you think the Yankees and Red Sox are loathsome now, just imagine if they are stealing away the few commodities small market teams can realistically acquire.

The natural order of baseball would be destroyed.

Moreover, in these economically precarious times, the last thing anybody needs is for an unproven, yet-to-be-drafted 21-year-old pitcher to make outrageous contract demands. If you think people are angry about fiscally irresponsible franchises now, just imagine the outcry if teams give into the Strasburg/Boras demands. People can only take so many of these absurd contracts before they finally snap.

But the fact is Strasburg has a choice. He can become one the most revered phenoms the game has ever seen; or he can become a reviled anti-hero.

The question is which will he be?

The man who accepts a reasonable contract because he loves the game of baseball? Or the man who demands an out of this world deal and sucks the life out of the game?

His payday will come regardless, but it should come only after he proves himself as a top-notch Major League talent; after he has established himself as an elite player. Not before he has even thrown a professional pitch.

The future of the game rests in Strasburg’s hands. Before deciding on that future, he should as himself one simple question: What would Henry Rowengartner do?

-Juice

Movie Ratings

2009-04-16T13:33:00.003-05:00

I've decided to add a section on the blog where I give ratings for the movies I watch. Not a full review, but just a four star rating system, except instead of stars I am going to give a rating out of four juice boxes. Stars are boring.

I'll update it after every movie I watch so the movies will just switch randomly. I watch a fair number of movies, though, so it should update relatively often. Also, I have impeccable taste in movies, so this should be very beneficial to all of you.

And don't worry, there is still a full post coming later today.

-Juice

Welcome to the Duel

2009-04-15T16:38:00.005-05:00

As some of you probably noticed, blogging has been lacking the last few days. Actually, I've basically disappeared of the face of the earth, or at the very least, the face of the blogging earth. I'm still alive though, don't worry.

Quite frankly, I blame Jesus (not for me still being alive, but for my lack of blogging). Of course, I blame Jesus for a lot of things, but this time it actually makes sense. Sort of.

I’m not going to badmouth Jesus, he seems like he was a pretty good guy, but I will say that his holiday threw of my blogging feng shui. Regardless, I am back now, and better than ever. Well maybe not, but at least I’m back.

I would also like to note that I think I have done more schoolwork in the last three days than I have in the rest of my academic career combined, which tends to put a dent in the amount of blogging. I never knew actually doing homework could be so time consuming. How do the nerds do it?

Anyway, like I said I’m back now, so the blogging will pick up again. I’ve got something coming tomorrow, the top ten on Friday, and the Random Thoughts will return on Saturday. And I know how much you goobers love the Random Thoughts.

Today, though, I would like to give you all a piece of advice: Watch the Real World Road Rules Challenge: The Duel II. As I sit here typing, I am watching a bunch or roided out guys in Speedos pushing around silicone filled females in bikinis sitting on ice blocks. It is the dumbest thing ever, and I love every second of it.

Basically, you have a group of the dumbest people on the planet living in a house together, performing these ridiculous physical challenges. I’m sure you are all familiar with the show, so I won’t waste my time explaining the premise in detail. Instead, I will give you a short synopsis of episode one so those people who aren't watching, realize what they are missing.

Basically, the biggest, craziest, most roided out bastard on the planet (CT), had sex with the resident fat girl with gigantic boobs (Shauvon, who is white by the way). Oh, and they did it on the roof. This, in turn, pissed of his ex-girlfriend (Diem the cancer survivor) who of course lives in the house with them. The way she found out about CT’s sexcapade was when one of the smallest guys in the house, and sworn enemy of CT (Adam), told Diem about his rooftop romp. Well Adam’s “talking shit” sent CT into a fit of rage, as he is prone do. Basically, the next 20 minutes of the episode featured CT going crazy, beating the shit out of Adam, and the rest of the housemates trying to control CT’s rage, although failing to do so even though there were about ten of them trying to keep the crazy gorilla under control. Does all that sound like something you might be interested in? Of course it does.

And, that’s not to mention all the petty bickering and completely ridiculous “alliance” forming between the competitors. It is absolutely fantastic television.

As exciting as that all sounds, I’m not even close to doing the show justice. You just need to watch. I promise you will not be disappointed. I know you are intrigued, so you know what? Stop reading and go watch. Seriously. Go. Now. Just come back tomorrow because there will be more blogging. I promise.

-Juice

Let the games begin

2009-04-12T12:14:00.003-05:00

First off, Happy Easter. I am not a big Easter fan, but there is candy, usually a free meal with the family and oh so many hours of trying to catch that damn bunny. Anyway, when I say the games I don't mean the WNBA (are they playing this year? apparently they have a draft. who honestly knew that?) or the second week of baseball. (Sorry for the the parentheses, but what the fuck is with opening week? Opening day isn't enough? Is April opening month?)

The games I mean are the games kids play. Not games like jacks, hopscotch and red rover (even though red rover is a sweet game that leads to broken arms) but real games like kickball, dodgeball, four square and two-hand touch football.

As a kid, I loved recess. I loved anytime I could be outside. It wasn't so much as not being in class but it was the chance to show my athletic superiority to anyone who was willing to watch. Playing endless hours of kickball, baseball, dodgeball, etc. is what I remember most from my childhood. I can still tell you that in 4th and 5th grade I was always quarterback of one of the two teams and I could tell you who was first pick everytime. I still remember my first concussion (sort of) that I got when I slipped on ice in the bus shoot trying to catch a touchdown, that I of course caught.

But its not just the games that the pros play. Its games like steal the pin, take that and dodgeball that I miss and remember most. The incredible feeling of drilling some other kid in the back with a perfectly thrown Gator Ball as he ran away or the joy of being on the winning team when you in fact stole the pin from the enemy and crossed the line. Or even the thrill of scoring a goal in floor hockey which was invented for all the people like me who cant skate but still want to be Bobby Orr, Wayne Gretzky or that black guy who plays hockey.

I wonder if kids still love these games? Will my kids have memories like this? I really don't know, but I hope so. As Juice wrote in a past post kids today think playing baseball means playing Xbox. For them to workout they need a Wii Fit. For me, my friends from elementary school and every kid who ever loved recess, it was about the games. Picking teams, winning, losing, fighting, arguing but most of all playing. Whether you wore a Jerry Rice, Randy Moss or Brett Favre jersey in the fall you loved the games and remember them still.

Looking back I wish I had spent more time with those same guys as we got older. We still could have played the games, but as you get older you get busy. You have to get a summer job, you have practice for the high school team and its harder to get together for a good old fashioned game of whiffle ball, 3 on 3 hoops or dare I say four square on the elementary school courts.

-The Kicker

The End of an Era

2009-04-09T22:30:00.010-05:00

Sports mirror life. This is an admittedly worn-out metaphor, and yet, it is wrapped in an undeniable truth. We watch sports because they give us the chance to hope, dream, laugh, cheer, and experience a complex gamut of emotions that almost seems impossible. We find little moments in sports that magnify our own existence, and mirror the ups and downs of our everyday lives.

Monday at the Metrodome marked the beginning of the end of an era. Oh, say what you will about the Metrodome, and I know we all have more than enough gripes, but the Twins undeniably spent their best years in that inflatable bubble.

This particular opening day was about more than a baseball stadium, however.

Opening day marks the beginning of summer. If you ask me, it is far and away the best day of the year. A day of looking forward, where everything lays ahead, and the cold, damp dreary days of winter give way to the sun splashed, endless days of summer. For Twins fans, this particular opening day resonated with the upcoming promise of outdoor baseball. One more summer in the dome before the final curtain falls, and the third act begins on the stage of Target Field.

Personally, I feel like the Metrodome has followed me through one long saga in my own life. And, as I sat around Sunday night, counting down the hours until first pitch the following day, I had an epiphany: I am ending an era right along with the Twins.

As a summer of baseball begins, the school year ends. For me, this may very well mean the end of my academic career. The end of an era. At age 22, the beginning of the baseball season illuminates the impending completion of my college career. Now, my 22 years may not be as impressive as the Metrodome's 27, but I like to think I avoided the 10 year slump the Metrodome experienced with the Twins of the mid to late nineties - the Ron Coomer years, if you will.

And, while one could argue that the beginning of the end of my academics started in January, at the beginning of the semester, this feeling of finality never really struck me until Twins home opener. This is the beginning of summer. This is the end of school. This is the end of an entire phase of my life. This is a mirror between the sports world and the real world.

This is a seemingly never ending time that produced an ever-ranging set of emotions:

-- Punching the couch in disgust as a college senior during the playoff chase of 2008. Punching the couch in joy during the Denard Span and Alexi Casilla fueled sweep of the White Sox. Punching the couch, once again in disgust, following the disappointing one game playoff.

-- Celebrating as a high school senior what, at the time, seemed to be a game winning home run off the bat of Torii Hunter against the Yankees in the ALDS, shattering my cell phone following the back breaking New York comeback, picking up the pieces and moving forward.

-- Watching as high school sophomore, bright eyed and innocent, as the Twins made their first playoff run I could actually remember in 2002; just happy to be along for the ride.

-- Playing sandlot baseball as a child in the early-to-mid nineties, when the Twins served no greater purpose than a dream future for a small child, entranced by the smile than one larger than life figure.

-- Sleeping in a crib at six months old as the Twins won their first ever World Series.

There is one thing each of these moments has in common: The Metrodome. Whether or not a given event actually occurred there, it has always been considered "baseball home." The one constant to always come back to, and the one place Twins fans could truly consider theirs.

Oh it may not be the perfect place, far from it in fact. It is a shoddy, awkward, run down, and an all around unfit for baseball dump. But it has always been our shoddy, awkward, run down, and all around unfit for baseball dump. It has always been our baseball home.

Our little baseball haven.

Like the Metrodome to Twins baseball, in my personal world life was built, aside from my actual house, around one constant: School. All the way from kindergarten through college was a relatively steady stream, with a few slight rapids along the way.

Kindergarten through sixth grade: Get up early, go to school, go home, repeat.

7th through 12th grade: Get up early, go to school, go to afterschool sports, go home, repeat.

College: Get up as late as possible, barely make it to class on time, go back to dorm/apartment, drink beer, repeat.

Nothing seemed to change.

Now I get to sit back and watch as two of the staples in my life come to a close. I get to wonder what comes next. I get to think about the future. I get to experience new beginnings. I get to explore new things.

I get to move on.

As I watch the final season of the Metrodome unfold, and a professional baseball franchise move towards their rightful place on the natural grass, under the endless night sky, I look forward to my own next step. As the Twins close an era that seemed to never end, I close an era that a small part of me wishes would never end.

But, as one era closes, another inevitably begins.

-Juice

Final Dome Opener

2009-04-08T14:08:00.026-05:00

Monday was the final home opener at the Metrodome. The end of an era. Albeit an era of the ugliest and most ridiculous stadium in baseball, but the end of an era nonetheless. And you know what? I will miss the Metrodome. Seriously. It may have been a shit hole, but it was our shit hole. I saw my first Major League game there, and have countless memories stemming from time spent inside the mushroom cloud of baseball. There are some great memories from the 27 years spent in the Metrodome, and no matter what anybody says, they will miss that stadium. At least a little. Should we be ecstatic for outdoor baseball? Of course. But we should savor the years in the dome, and realize moving on is at least a little bittersweet.

There is plenty of time to get all sappy about the dome years, though. Now is the time to revel in the opening of a new baseball season. As far as openers go, this was the second worst I have ever been to. Right behind 2005 when the Twins lost to the White Sox and I almost got killed several times during batting practice. Screw off Carl Everett.

But anyway. Here are some pictures chronicling the final dome opener. Enjoy.

I realized on my way into the game I had never take a picture of the outside of the Metrodome before. Of course, you can see why. I would also like to note the guy in the foreground of the picture was handing out fliers begging for someone to save the Star Tribune. It probably isn't a good sign when your company is asking random patrons of a baseball game to buy your bankrupt newspaper...

Opening Day 2009! In hindsight I should have taken a picture of the swastika holding the dome up. Live and learn I guess.

Bet you didn't think the baggy could get an uglier. Oh and by the way, now that Dodge has fallen off the face of the earth, there is no Dodge advertising anywhere in the Dome, which also means they no longer play "Dodge Ball." Instead, they now have people try and throw a ball into a giant inflatable ice cream carton to try and win free ice cream. The lack of "Dodge Ball" may very well be the worst thing about the auto industry going in the crapper. Couldn't, though, The Twins and Stanley have come up with something at least slightly better to put on the baggy? That is atrocious.

The Kicker and I attending our final dome opener. I was going to crop the awkward girls sitting behind us out of the picture, but I thought it would be funnier if I left them in. One of them was from Fargo and at one point said "I was hoping I would get fired from my job during the flood." They weren't the sharpest tools in the shed; although, they weren't as douchey as the guys sitting next to me. We also saw a woman who was so fat that she may or may not have been wearing a tarp. Word is the Twins will donate the baggy to her at the end of the year, though, so that is nice of them. I guess when you get 50,000 people together in one building they can't all be winners.

Okay, so technically this picture is from last year's opener, but how awesome is that? He is rocking an authentic Yoda Twins jersey. And, if you are wondering, Yoda did in fact have a cup of coffee with the Twins circa 1983. He wasn't around very long because it turns out the Jedi Master couldn't hit a curveball. Who knew?

I have this absurd talent for always getting the top of someones head in the pictures I take. Maybe I can become famous by passing it off as art. You know, since 90% of art is shit. By the way I like the Twins throwback jerseys they are rocking this year. Sexy.

I always enjoy the beginning of games when they announce the starting lineups. There is something strangely satisfying about the crowd giving awkwardly loud ovations to Glen Perkins and Nick Blackburn.

Again with the random head in the corner of the picture. In this particular case the guy had awkwardly greasy hair. You can't really tell from this picture, but trust me, was it ever greasy.

First pitch of 2009! Man did we have bad seats. Although, technically, there really aren't any good seats in the Metrodome, so who can really complain? Actually, though, this picture makes us look further away than we actually were because it is so small. Although, we were also 100% sure that Carlos Gomez made the catch on Franklin Guttierrez's home run so 100% visibility was in fact lacking.

I randomly took an action shot of Morneau grounding out in the first inning. I think I was technically trying to take a picture before the pitch and just failed spectacularly, but the end result is kind of cool. Had I taken the picture a split second later we would have had visual proof that Morneau was safe and I could have created a blogosphere controversy. Oh well.

Ken Griffey Jr's triumphant return to the Mariners. It probably isn't a good sign when the highlight of the game was a home run for the other team. Griffey was my favorite player growing up, however, so it was kind of cool.

How awkward does The Kicker look? It's like Val Kilmer when he let himself go post Batman. And, if you are wondering, we took pictures a Twins construction helmet to symbolize our excitement for Target Field.

Hopefully they let the mentally retarded into Target Field...

-Juice

Sports Quotes, NCAA Tourney and Opening Day

2009-04-08T00:16:00.003-05:00

Alright, so Opening Day for most teams was the same day as the NCAA Men's Final. I don't care, especially this year because the basketball game sucked. I just find it funny how much Opening Day overshadowed the basketball final. Would it have been different had the game been close? Probably. But Opening Day in baseball is something special, its the best baseball day of the year and even though the Twins lost, Juice and I made our 7th consecutive Home Opener. (More stories, pictures, thoughts and rants to come on this later but for a sneak preview...there is reference to a tarp, reminisces of past openers and of course Dome Dogs).

Now that I got that pesky men's national championship out of the way I want to point out that I don't know one person who could name even one player from the Connecticut women's team who is considered one of the best teams ever. Just saying.

Now, for sports quotes and Opening Day. Out of curiosity I Googled baseball quotes and found some really good ones. This isn't because of hard research, I clicked on the first link. The quotes range from players, fans, managers, owners and any other person you can imagine. Are they all great? No, far from it. But the reason this is relevant is because like sports movies, the best sports quotes involve baseball. I love baseball, Opening Day and sports quotes so it combines three of my passions.

This is admittedly a random post but I needed to post, it had been a long time. Also, I am really really tired and going to jump into my bed (literally jump, my bed is like 4ft high but my roommates is 8ft so I feel fine about my situation) and sleep until I wake up. So...hopefully this wasn't too weird and random if it was, you'll live.

-The Kicker

Random Thoughts...

2009-04-04T13:03:00.002-05:00

...30 Rock is better than The Office. I just thought you should all know that. (Juice)

...How stupid are the Minnesota Timberwolves? They are still trying to win games, even though they rarely win, every win hurts, ass faces. (The Kicker)

...There was a poll on espn.com after Gary Sheffield was released by the Tigers that asked "Would you want your favorite team to sign Gary Sheffield?" The only state where the majority answered "yes" (although barely) was Mississippi. It can't be a good sign when the only state that wants you, doesn't actually have a team. (Juice)

...Reader Karl Heine asked about Minnesota Boys Mr. Basketball finalists and pointed out that Nate Wolters should be in the Top 5. I look at this like the NBA MVP. Is Nate Wolters the best player in the state? I don't think so but he is one of the top 5 most valuable players to his team. If you took any of the other finalists off of their team they would likely be a very good team still. It's sort of like Lebron and Kobe. Who is better? That's debatable. I would give the edge to Lebron but its more because of what he means to his team rather than being more talented. If you take the best player off of a team and they go from 30 wins to 10 wins that player is more valuable than taking a player off a 30 win team and they drop to 20 wins. So yes Karl, I agree Nate Wolters belongs in the Top 5 and is one of the most valuable players to his team in the state, maybe the most valuable. (The Kicker)

...Hehe. (Juice)

...Zygi Wilf either needs to fire Brad Childress or step up and say "I don't give a damn what you think we're getting Jay Cutler." Personally, I prefer firing him. Either way, this is completely ridiculous. (Juice)

...So I wanted Cutler on the Vikings, but the Bears definitely gave up way too much for him. However, the Vikings still need a quarterback and Chilly is still a worthless idiot. (Juice)

...I have one leftover thought about the MLB preview posts. Making Rookie of the Year picks is like going to a whore house - it's basically complete crap shoot, anyone can be the best, and the one's you expect to be the best often disappoint. (Juice)

...Milk is a pretty good movie, but there is a whole lot more Sean Penn making out with guys than I expected. I recommend watching the movie, but just get ready for substantial amount of guy on guy action. (Juice)

...I think I'm going through "senioritis" right now. Of course, I think I've been going through "senioritis" since I was in kindergarten so maybe I'm actually just lazy. (Juice)

...Hey look I was called a communist. I've never been so proud. (Juice)

...If anyone ever asks you to go to a place called the Other Place bar, just say no. Trust me. You are better off just saying no. (Juice)

...If you would like to die a little on the inside, look at the prices people want for Yankees tickets on Stubhub. For that matter, look how much people want for crappy Twins tickets. I thought we were in a recession? (Juice)

...And last, but certainly not last, baseball is back! HOO HA! (Juice)

Weekly Top Ten: Baseball in Pop Culture

2009-04-03T14:06:00.019-05:00

Well baseball week is coming to a close. Of course, that just means we now have seven months of meaningful baseball games, so who can really complain?

As the grand finale for the week, I am presenting my top ten list of baseball related themes in popular culture. And, yes, I realize baseball itself is part of popular culture. This list, however, is not on the field things such as Yankee Stadium, specific players, etc. that have infiltrated popular culture themselves, but rather movies, literature, music, and basically just anything interesting that has spawned off the field, from the game on the field.

And away we go.

10. "Centerfield" by John Fogerty/"The Greatest" by Kenny Rogers

There isn't a whole lot of good music based on baseball. (Aside, of course, from one iconic song that may or may not appear on this list. You'll just have to keep reading to find out. Or you can scroll down a little ways. It is up to you.) I was trying to choose between "Centerfield" and "The Greatest," then figured, screw it, I'll just make them tied for tenth place. "Centerfield," gets bonus points for appearing in Little Big League, though.

9. "Who's on First?" by Abott and Costello

Honestly, I'm a little surprised this sketch has become so iconic. It is funny the first time you watch it, but it actually gets pretty annoying after awhile. I still enjoy it, and I think everyone should at least listen to the sketch once (it is pretty dated if you watch the video) but I don't really need to see it over and over again. "Who's on First?" is an enjoyable classic, but that is about it. Of course, if Abbott and Costello were considered the premiere comedy act of the 1940s, that in and of itself is an issue.

8. Fantasy Baseball

While not the most popular fantasy sport anymore, baseball is the sport that spawned the fantasy craze. Baseball is a numbers game. Fantasy sports are based on numbers. And, by the way, anyone who says that sports fans aren't nerds, is either a sports fan that is in denial, or a misinformed fool. Sports fans are the biggest nerds of all. I blame the athletes themselves for this misconception. Many athletes are, in fact, not sports fans (75% of all athletes, and 90% of the NBA), and ergo are not nerds. Then, you have a much smaller portion of athletes who are actually sports fans, ultimately making them nerds as well. The disparity between the number of atheletes who are, and are not, real sports fans is the reason there is such a disconnect between athletes and the fans. The fans actually care more about sports than the athletes themselves. Ironic isn't it?

7. Classic Video Games

I enjoy playing new age video games as much as the next guy, but no graphics or realistic features can replace the nostalgia and joy of games such as Major League Manager, Hardball 5, and Tony La Russa Baseball (those are the classics I played, but there are plenty of others out there as well). The greatest of all, however, may have been the pinball machines that popped out a baseball card as a prize if you won. Remember those? I once won a 1993 Topps Manny Alexander card from one of those games. Manny Alexander, if you are wondering, was one of the Baltimore Orioles top prospects at the time, and was ultimately "supposed to" replace Cal Ripken Jr. at shortstop. That didn't work out so well.

6. "Casey at the Bat" by Ernest Thayer

Anyone else remember this cartoon? They used to play it on the Disney Channel when I was a young lad watching such shows as Under the Umbrella Tree. Those were the days, my friends, those were the days.

5. The Simpsons "Talkin Softball" episode

C - Mike Scioscia's tragic illness made us smile

1B -Don Mattingly

2B - Steve Sax and his run-in with the law

3B - Wade Boggs lay unconscious on the bar room tile

SS - Ozzie Smith

OF - Daryl Strawberry

OF - Ken Griffey's grotesquely swollen jaw

OF - Jose Canseco

That is a list of all the players who cameoed in this episode, along with the lyrics in the song about why they were forced to leave the team. Those player's whose ailments were not listed in the "Talkin Softball' song (the parody of "Talkin Baseball") had the following issues:

Don Mattingly - cut from team by Mr. Burns for not shaving his sideburns, even though he actually did.

Ozzie Smith - Fell into a black hole and disappeared

Daryl Strawberry - Only player not actually cut, but ends up being pinch hit for by Homer because Mr. Burns is "playing the percentages"

Jose Canseco - Doesn't make it to the game because he is helping a lady save things from her burning house.

Then of course there is Homer who wins the championship by getting beaned with the bases loaded.

I would just like to note, by the way, I did all that the top of my head. Let's just move on...

4. Field of Dreams

I wrote about Field of Dreams in my list of best movies back in February, so you can read what I had to say there. I would, however, like to note I am basically using Field of Dreams to represent all the great baseball movies (The Natural, Bull Durham, Major League, etc.) because I feel it is the most transcendent of all baseball related films. The full meaning really goes beyond baseball. I'm not trying to short change other baseball movies, I just felt like Field of Dreams was the best representation of the lot. But with that said...

3. The Sandlot

Who doesn't love The Sandlot? If you were born in the late eighties, this is one of the top five most memorable movies of your childhood. Guaranteed. If not, you are a bad person. The Sandlot is funny, charming, nostalgic, heartwarming and, even if you don't like baseball, it takes you back to your childhood. Quite simply, it is without a doubt the greatest children's movie of all time. Nothing even comes close. Suck it Might Ducks. (Just kidding, I love Mighty Ducks, but it pales in comparison to The Sandlot).

2. "Take me Out to the Ballgame"

I'm pretty sure more people know the lyrics to "Take me out to the Ballgame" than the "Star Spangled Banner." Maybe I'm making that up, but I swear I heard that somewhere. If anyone knows the answer please enlighten me. Regardless, if you don't know "Take me Out to the Ballgame," there is something wrong with you. In fact, if I ever meet an English speaking person who has spent a substantial amount of time in the United States and doesn't know the words to "Take me Out to the Ballgame," I will challenge them to a fight. So if you are reading this, and are ignorant to said lyrics, bring it on. I guarantee your defeat, because anyone of that ilk could never be victorious at anything.

1. Baseball Cards

Everyone collects things. If you do not collect something, it means you do not have the capacity to love; unless, of course, you collect something weird like feces. Or stamps. In that case you are just weird. Baseball cards, however, are the ultimate collectors item. They are fun for all ages. Nothing beats a good baseball card. And I would just like to say to anyone who sells their baseball card collection as an adult: shame on you. You are selling away a piece of your childhood, and I promise you will regret it. Unless you would like to sell them to me for a reasonable price. In that case, more power to you.

-Juice

MLB Preview: Playoffs and Awards

2009-04-01T19:16:00.014-05:00

Today we are on to our playoff and awards picks for 2009. Because we already broke down each divison, and since we did a write up on all the teams, thus covering many of the things we would here, we'll let these picks speak for themselves. (If you are wondering, The Kicker's picks say "I am a tool" while Juice's picks say "I am more bold, but also probably an idiot.")

Fear not, however, baseball week is not over yet. Tomorrow will feature a baseball themed top ten TBD.

With that, let's go ahead and fast forward to October.

Juice's Predictions

American League
ALDS:
Rays over Angels
Twins over Red Sox

ALCS:
Rays over Twins

National League
NLDS:
Reds over Phillies
Dodgers over Cubs

NLCS:
Dodgers over Reds

World Series
Dodgers over Rays

Awards
American League:
MVP - Josh Hamilton, Texas Rangers
CY Young - Jon Lester, Boston Red Sox
Rookie of the Year -Travis Snider, Toronto Blue Jays

National League
MVP - Matt Kemp, Los Angeles Dodgers
CY Young - Tim Lincecum, San Francisco Giants (Darkhorse: Ricky Nolasco, Florida Marlins)
Rookie of the Year - Pablo Sandoval, San Francisco Giants

Ok. I kind of lied. I do have some things to say kind of wrapping up my picks. As I was doing research (yes, we do research here at Juice and the Kicker - or at least one of us does) on my picks I came to an exciting conlcusion about the 2009 MLB season: There are no dominant teams. In fact, pretty much every division has at least two or three teams that could legitimatley make a run at the playoffs. That makes it more difficult to predict the season, but it also makes 2009 one of the more compelling seasons in recent memory. I wouldn't be surprised if any team made the playoffs, aside from a handful of clearly abysmal teams (sorry San Diego, Baltimore, Pittsburgh, and Washington). The rest of the league, however, is relatively wide open. And that, should make baseball fans very excited. Well, at least the fans who can still afford tickets.

- Juice

The Kickers Predictions

American League Playoffs
ALDS:
Twins over Rays
Red Sox over Angels

ALCS:
Red Sox over Twins

NLDS:
Dodgers over Mets
Cubs over Phillies

NLCS:
Cubs over Dodgers

World Series
Cubs over Red Sox (yes, I just went there)

Awards
American League
MVP - Justin Morneau, Minnesota Twins
Cy Young - Roy Halladay, Toronto Blue Jays
Rookie of the Year - Matt Wieters, Baltimore Orioles

National League
MVP - Manny Ramirez, Los Angeles Dodgers
Cy Young - Tim Lincecum, San Francisco Giants
Rookie of the Year - Jordan Zimmerman, Washington Nationals

MLB Preview: West

2009-03-29T12:58:00.015-05:00

It is day three of baseball preview week here at Juice and The Kicker. Today we are running through the AL and NL West divisions. So let's just go ahead and jump right on in.

Juice's Predictions

AL West:
1. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
2. Texas Rangers
3. Seattle Mariners
4. Oakland Athletics

Let me make one thing abundantly clear: Just because I put the Rangers in second place, doesn't mean they will be good. It just means they will be the least bad of the three bad teams in this division. Honestly, though, if the Rangers could just find some damn pitching (you haven't had any since Nolan Ryan for Christ sakes. How have you not picked up on this yet?) they would win this division running away. The Angels are not that good. They are good. But not THAT good. The Rangers offense is vastly superior, and could very well be the best offense in baseball, for that matter. But, man is that rotation bad. Just one or two pitchers. That is all you need to be a serious contender. Maybe Ryan can make a comeback...

Why did I move the Mariners ahead of the A's in the standings you may wonder. They just traded for Matt Holliday and signed Jason Giambi, after all. To be honest I threw up in my mouth a little when I saw their pitching staff. I'm sure you'll do the same. Even if Oakland scores 10 runs a game, they'll lose 11-10.

I would like to give Billy Beane kudos, however, for basically trading away a set of inferior prospects in essence for a set of new prospects that should, in theory, be much better. That isn't technically what he did, but after he trades Matt Holliday for the new set, that is how the scenario will play out -- old crappy prospects for new less crappy prospects. Genius.

As for the Mariners, they are bound to be better than last year. That isn't taking much of a leap of faith, of course, since they were the worst team in baseball. However, I still believe in Erik Bedard, and Felix Hernandez dominates about once every fifth game he pitches (the other four games are atrocious mind you). Based on that pitching, I think they can squeak ahead of their A's. And, yes, I did have to spend an inordinate amount of time talking myself into Seattle's offense. It can't be any worse than the A's though. You know, once they trade away Holliday.

(Note: I am a little worried about John Lackey and Ervin Santana, but if all goes according to plan they should be back about a month into the season. If they aren't, this division could turn into a toss up rat race.)

NL West:
1. Los Angeles Dodgers
2. Arizona Diamondbacks
3. San Francisco Giants
4. Colorado Rockies
5. San Diego Padres

Clayton Kershaw is the key to the NL west which, of course, is strange because Clayton Kershaw is younger than me. Without Kershaw stepping up, the Dodgers have absolutely no pitching depth. Yes, Chad Billingsley has proven himself a very good pitcher, and both Hiroki Kuroda and Randy Wolf are serviceable, but without Kershaw putting up good numbers, this rotation could struggle. The fact is, however, The Dodgers have far and away the best lineup in the division, and probably the deepest team in baseball. They have two guys on the bench that would start on many teams (Juan Pierre and Blake DeWitt) and one of the best backup catchers in baseball (Brad Ausmus) who, might I add, is backing up one of the best starting catchers in baseball. This is quite the turnaround for the Dodgers – a very talented offense and a questionable pitching staff. All they need is for Manny to kidnap Pedro and the team will basically be set.

The way I see it, the Dodgers realistically have two challengers for the top spot in the division: The Arizona Diamondbacks and the San Francisco Giants. The Giants, if they can muster up some offense (Pablo Sandoval anyone?) could very well compete for the top spot in the division. They have three exceptional young pitchers in Tim Lincecum, Matt Cain, and Jonathon Sanchez, and two solid veterans in Randy Johnson and Barry Zito. And, yes, I realize I just called Barry Zito a “solid veteran,” but consider this: He will very likely be the fifth starter by the end of the year. Yes, I realize he is making around $18 million a year, but if you throw out that fact, he is a pretty damn good fifth starter. He won ten games last year. If you stop thinking of him as an ace, just because the Giants were dumb enough to give him ace money, and think of him as the fourth or fifth starter he has become, he is still pretty good. Just ponder that for awhile.

As for the Diamondbacks, if their young offense finally breaks out this year, they could be very, very good. They have the pitching (lead by Brandon Webb and Dan Haren) to compete, it is just a matter if Justin Upton and crew finally make “the leap.”

As for the Rockies and Padres, neither one has nearly enough to compete. In fact I am dubbing the Padres as the worst team in baseball this year. Poor Jake Peavey. I really hope he gets traded, both for his sake, and the sake of my fantasy team.

The Kicker's Prediction's

AL West:
1. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
2. Texas Rangers
3. Oakland Athletics
4. Seattle Mariners

This is the BEST 4 team division in the Major Leagues. The LAAAAAAA are going to win the division, that's basically a lock. A solid, deep rotation (assuming Ervin Santana comes back eventually) and some good, but old, hitters will put them in the playoffs. However, beating out Texas, Oakland and Seattle isn't exactly a daunting task.

The Rangers have a great lineup with a shitty rotation. Wow, thats new for them. They always have great pitching (sarcasm). They could compete for the division title with some pitching and a prolonged visit to the DL by Ervin Santana (he use to want people to call him Johan, I'm dead serious).

The A's and Mariners will battle for 3rd and last but I see the A's prevailing. Any team who gave Carlos Silva $12 million a year can't take third in a division, even if there is only four teams. Sorry Seattle fans. Maybe your team can move to Oklahoma City...But I think the A's will be fine and adding Matt Holliday can't hurt (though in all likelihood he will be traded because thats what small market teams do)

NL West:
1. Los Angeles Dodgers
2. Arizona Diamondbacks
3. San Francisco Giants
4. Colorado Rockies
5. San Diego Padres

This is another chance for LA to dominate a sport. Just like the LA football team...the LA Clippers...or the LA Kings (are the Kings still a hockey team? If yes, are they in LA?) LA needs both baseball teams to win their divisions to give the fans something to pretend to care about, show up late for and leave early to get to an after party when its the top of the 6th inning. Anyway, enough about LA, they have Manny and he likes warm weather. He will be great and they will win this awful division.

The Arizona Diamondbacks have potential Justin Upton and Stephen Drew but their rotation looks a little shaky after Brandon Webb and Dan Haren. However, former Twin Augie Ojeda seems to like playing their and his name is Augie. Also, Conor Jackson could be a big player for them and if LA slips they will have a chance to win the division. They also have young Billy Buckner, thats not a bad sign at all for a team...

If Tim Line of cum can pitch 150 games the Giants can compete. But since he is only 14 they might be more conservative with him. One fun fact about the Giants is that when newly acquired Randy Johnson started pitching in the MLB Line of cum was 4. Another fun fact, I am older than Pablo Sandoval by 13 days! But for real, the Giants arent very good.

The Rockies have a few decent bats but to win at Coors field you need a miracle but they already used that or they need pitching, they don't have that. Last and certainly least is the Fathers. After losing one of the ugliest pro athletes in Khalil Green (shield your eyes) the Padres are destined for better things, just not in the way of winning games. With a bad lineup and a shaky rotation the Padres are doomed for failure. (They have a really nice ballpark though, its awesome)

Coming Tomorrow: Playoff and Awards Predictions

MLB Preview: Central

2009-03-29T12:56:00.008-05:00

It is day two of baseball preview week here at Juice and The Kicker. Today we are running through the AL and NL Central divisions. So let's just go ahead and jump right on in.

Juice’s Predictions

AL Central:
1. Minnesota Twins
2. Cleveland Indians
3. Chicago White Sox
4. Kansas City Royals
5. Detroit Tigers

Everybody in the AL Central sucks. Everyone. The Twins have the best rotation, and arguably the worst bullpen. Every lineup has a few decent hitters, and a few questionable hitters. Honestly, even the Royals have a fighting chance in this division. Not a good chance, mind you, but a chance. You could essentially throw the names of all the teams in the Central in a hat, pull them out randomly, and come up with an acceptable prediction for how the division will shake out.

I picked the Twins for two reasons. First of all, they have the best rotation. By far. Second of all I am a homer. Although, I will say, it always makes me nervous picking the Twins because I feel it jinxes them. On the flip side if I don’t have confidence in my team why follow them? Plus, confidence is sexy. I am sexy. Therefore, I picked the Twins. Simple isn’t it?

Also, for sake of full disclosure, the White Sox are my least favorite franchise in all of sports. My bias against them is so strong, I wanted put them in last place. Unfortunately, they are probably slightly better than that. Luckily, though, Kenny Williams ridiculous wheeling and dealing continues to make no sense, and will eventually completely destroy the franchise. So that’s something to look forward to.

Finally, I would just like to apologize for putting the Tigers in last. The city of Detroit is depressed enough as it is. But, well, they're bad. Sorry. They just are.

NL Central:
1. Cincinnati Reds
2. Chicago Cubs
3. St. Louis Cardinals
4. Milwaukee Brewers
5. Houston Astros
6. Pittsburgh Pirates

I want to start by saying the Pirates are probably the most depressing franchise in all of sports. Let’s just say the last time the Pirates had a decent season Barry Bonds looked like this. Not only that, but there is really no end in sight for the Pirates futility. They have done a terrible job of finding, and developing, young talent, and do not have a single established star on their roster. Maybe it will turn around eventually for the Pirates, but not any time soon. At least you have the Steelers people of Pittsburgh. And the Penguins might be good too, but who would know that?

As for the rest of the division, the Astros and Brewers both have such terrible pitching staffs they have little chance of competing. The Cardinals will be solid, because they always are – thanks almost wholly to Albert Pujols – but there just isn’t enough there to make a run at the playoffs.

Also, as some of you may be aware, Milwaukee was “on fire” in 1982 (the season the Brewers made the World Series for the first time). It took 26 years for the Brewers to regain that flaming magic by returning to the playoffs. Well Milwaukee, I would just like to say get ready for another 26 years, because last year was a Sabathia driven aberration.

Now I know what you are thinking. “I don’t care about the Brewers, Astros, Cardinals or Pirates. You picked the Reds to win the division you crack head. Explain yourself.”

Well alright. I will. But only if you calm down.

Ready? Deep breath.

The Reds will have the best rotation in baseball this year. Yeah. That’s right. The best. They have six solid options at starting pitcher, two of whom are arguably the most talented young pitchers in all of baseball (Johnny Cueto and Edinson Volquez). Couple that with veterans Aaron Harang (who will have a bounce back year) and the always solid Bronson Arroyo, along with two viable fifth starter options (Homer Bailey and Micah Owings) and the Reds’ rotation will be scary good.

The only question surrounding Cincinnati will be their offense. There is, however, enough young talent there to carry the team to the playoffs. I love Brandon Phillips, Jay Bruce and Joey Votto; and the rest of the lineup is solid enough to compete. I expect big things from the Reds.

As for the Cubs, I just don’t see their starting rotation holding up all year. If they can eventually pull off the Jake Peavey trade rumored this offseason, things could change very quickly. Until then, it’s all about the Reds baby!

The Kicker's Predictions

AL Central:
1. Minnesota Twins
2. Cleveland Indians
3. Chicago White Sox
4. Detroit Tigers
5. Kansas City Royals

Alright, I know you're thinking this is a homer pick but it really isn't. I honestly do believe the Twins are the best team in the division. Here is why: they have pitching depth, have a better lineup than last year and they are going to honor the Metrodome by having the last game played in it be a playoff (or World Series) game. With a group of young, talented pitchers, Joe Nathan closing and Morneau, Mauer, Crede, Cuddyer, Kubel as well as speed with Span, Gomez and Punto (sorry Delmon Young, you havent convinced me yet) the Twins should not struggle to score. If Mauer gets healthy I would be even more confident in this.

The Indians jump to 2nd because of a bad division and the fact they cant be as bad as they were. They have a lot of talent and I dont see Travis Hafner being completely useless again. The bottom three teams are all going to be pretty bad but I don't see the White Sox winning the division because they played above themselves for much of last year and I really am not convinced they will stay as good, in fact, with aging players like Jim Thome they should be worse.

The Tigers are overpaid, under talented and just sent their best bullpen arm (Zumaya) to the DL. They will struggle similar to last year but I bet Miguel Cabrera's huge ass will play a role, or roll away. And finally the Royals, nice ball park and there mascot shoots hotdogs out of a high powered air gun.

NL Central:
1. Chicago Cubs
2. Cincinnatti Reds
3. St. Louis Cardinals
4. Milwaukee Brewers
5. Houston Astros
6. Pittsburgh Pirates

I like the Cubs and I think they are very talented. Couple this, with a mediocre division and they emerge as NL Central champs. With a loaded rotation and plenty of good bats the Cubs will prevail over the young and talented Reds. This might change and unlike Juice I don't see the Reds in the playoffs but there is 162 games to decide that. The Reds, as I mentioned, are oozing with talent and have plenty of young bats and young arms to challenge the Cubbies for the pennant. After the Reds I like the Cardinals because Albert Pujols always produces and the Cards always find a way to win.

No one cares about this division after the top 3 but I put the Brewers fourth...mainly by default but they do still have some good bats in Ryan Braun and Prince Fielder can hit a ball really, really far. The Astros are from Houston and the Pirates are actually in negotiations with Major League Baseball to move to AAA so they can compete.

Coming tomorrow: AL and NL West predictions

MLB Preview: East

2009-03-29T12:38:00.014-05:00

Baseball preview week kicks off today with our AL and NL east predictions. We're running through our prediction for how the standings will shake out, with teams making the playoffs in bold.

To recap the weekly schedule looks like this:

Monday: AL and NL East
Tuesday: AL and NL Central
Wednesday: AL and NL West
Thursday: Playoffs and Awards

So let's go ahead and get this party started.

Juice's Picks

AL East:
1. Boston Red Sox
2. Tampa Bay Rays
3. Toronto Blue Jays
4. New York Yankees
5. Baltimore Orioles

Every fiber of my being wants to claim the Rays were a one year wonder. I mean they are the artists formerly known as the Devil Rays, after all. Problem is the Rays are actually good. Now with that said, they are going to slip slightly, because their rotation is a little worrisome. However they will still grab a wild card.

As you can see I have the Red Sox winning the division. Why? Brad Penny is their fifth starter. Brad Penny at his best is an ace. Now, I'm not saying Penny will be at his best, he is coming of an injury after all. Having him as your fifth starter, though, is pretty damn good.

I wanted to put the Yankees in fourth because, well, they just aren't a quality team. They are old, untalented, and morbidly obese. (Ok so only C.C. Sabathia is a big fat fatty. But he is so overweight that it makes the entire team seem fat. There has to be some sort of transitive property of obesity right?) With that said the Blue Jays have almost no pitc - no, you know what? Screw it. Yankees in fourth. Blue Jays in third. Done and done.

I'd say something about the Orioles, but why?

NL East:
1. Philadelphia Phillies
2. New York Mets
3. Atlanta Braves
4. Florida Marlins
5. Washington Nationals

This is one of those divisions where you could make a case for at least three teams, arguably four, to win the division. Basically everyone but the Nationals. Maybe they'll have a chance once they get this guy.

I have a beef with the Mets. They are chokeasaurus rexes. Yes, they have shored up their bullpen, but there are only three players on the team I trust: David Wright, Johan Santana, and Fernando Tatis (he hit two grand slams in one inning once, after all). Seriously though other than Santana, Wright, and Carlos Beltran, who on that team do you legitimately trust? Jose Reyes seems shady, and Carlos Delgado is like 900 years old. And other than Santana there isn't a single pitcher in that rotation I would be 100% confident sending to the mound.

As for the Phillies, they are basically returning their World Series Champion roster from last season. As long as Cole Hamels stays healthy, which is a pretty big if, they should be able to repeat as division champions. Plus, check out Cole Hamels’s wife. That has to count for something right?

The Marlins are my dark horse in the division, if a lot of things fall into place they could be very good. There are just too many ifs, however. I could very well see them jumping ahead of the Braves, but with Atlanta's solid pitching staff and veteran players (Chipper Jones, Brian McCann, Garrett Anderson) I don't see the Braves falling below third. I also don't see them climbing above third. Ah, the joys of mediocrity. Dare to dream, that's what I always say.

The Kicker's Picks

AL East:
1. Boston Red Sox
2. Tampa Bay Rays
3. New York Yankees
4. Baltimore Orioles
5. Toronto Blue Jays

I will be honest, I like Nick Markakis a lot. As Juice mentioned the Blue Jays have no pitching so I put them last, Orioles have Markakis and a cool stadium, plus I will probably be attending a game there this summer so that moves them to fourth (not to mention they aren't based in Canada). The Yankees just don't have a big enough payroll, expensive enough pitching, enough controversy, an old enough lineup or a first basemen with enough X's in there name to compete. I do like the Rays but they won't win the division because Boston is a better team and the "magic is gone". However, the default wild card pick is always the AL East runner up so they get and the Red Sox are loaded in their rotation, have a great closer and of course have some solid bats. They win the division AND have the best record in the American League.

NL East:
1. New York Mets
2. Philadelphia Phillies
3. Florida Marlins
4. Atlanta Braves
8. Washington Nationals

I like to start from the bottom up (thats what she said) so I will talk about the Nationals. Unless President Obama passes a law saying they have to make the playoffs, they wont. I put them in 8th place because I have confidence that at least 3 of the 4 AAA affiliates of the Mets, Phillies, Braves and Marlins are better than them.

I put the Mets ahead of the Phillies because I know it will irritate Juice (Juice interjection: This is completely false. I actually was going to put them in first but their starting rotation worries me. And now back to The Kicker.) and I think they are VERY due to not choke on a cock (a chicken, not an actual cock, sicko). I do like the Mets for some reason, and I think they are due to win, but the Phillies make the playoffs as a wild card and are very likely going to get further than the Mets. The Phillies return pretty much everything from the year before, besides the "magic" so they won't win it all, but they are really good.

The Braves will be fine but are nothing spectacular and I don't care enough to talk about them.

However, my sleeper pick is my Marlins. I really think their new stadium being passed will help them (even though everyone says that it's stupid they got a stadium with this economy) because I think having fans will be a big reason for the team to try hard and I would hook up with Hanley Ramirez. Obviously the stadium wont matter a lot now but I think over time it will be big for them to have a new field...that is until they are contracted before it even opens.

Coming Tomorrow: NL and AL Central picks.

Random Thoughts...

2009-03-28T13:00:00.000-05:00

...So I found out this week that everyone's favorite Cooper, Winnie, (other option was Mark from "Hanging with Mr. Cooper") turned 34 and was recently married. Danielle McKellar, as you may remember, stared as the young Winnie in the greatest show of all-time, The Wonder Years. Here is the Winnie you might remember and now she is all grown up. The Harvard grad has written multiple books and appeared in several magazines...shown here, here and here. (The Kicker)

...Sorry, that last post was suppose to be about how great Wonder Years was and asking if anyone knows where to buy the DVD Series. Instead, it turned into a bunch of really hot pictures. (The Kicker)

...Let me be the first to say no apology necessary. Also, Winnie Cooper is vastly superior to Topanga Lawerence. (Juice)

...And, Wonder Years is vastly superior to Boy Meets World, for that matter. (Juice)

...There was an article the other day on the Star Tribune website for which the headline read "A Gay Old Day at the Movies" and the subtitle read "Hairy, Husky Dudes Bonding at the Multiplex..." I know exactly what you are thinking, and no the Star Tribune didn't feature a story on a gay porn theatre. It was about a group of gay guys called the "Movie Bears" who get together and review movies. I didn't read the whole story because I'm 90% sure, porn or no porn, it still ends in a circle jerk. (Juice)

...Would you rather watch the movie version of the popular children's book Where the Wild Things Are or spend an evening cutting yourself? I think the answer is fairly obvious. My apologies to those people who already cut themselves; although, technically, the decision should be even more obvious for you... (Juice)

...This random thought is dedicated to The Kicker's girlfriend Brittany: How awesome are footie pajamas? (Juice)

...How can anyone drink energy drinks? Not only are they absolutely terrible for you, they taste like urine in a can. How is that enjoyable in any way? (Juice)

...Amen Mr. Blyleven. (Juice)

...I want to punch Paula Abdul in the head. (Juice)

...Look what my school's hockey team did. I'm on the bandwagon baby! (Juice)

...Also, for that matter, I would like to extend one giant middle finger to ESPN, and all of the Duluth television stations. The ABC affiliate in Duluth can't pick up the game? Really? People just need to watch Just Like Heaven? Seriously that is what they are showing instead. Also, to ESPN how do you not at least have the game on ESPN360? And for that matter how do you put soccer on ESPN2 instead? I realize you are dealing with two unpopular events in hockey and soccer, but stick with the lesser of two evils. I once saw a poll that said 90% of people would rather hang themselves than watch soccer. True story. (Juice)

...The ten day forecast calls for 47 degrees and a 60% chance rain/snow for the Twins home opener April 6th. I get it. We live in Minnesota,. But can I get one precipitation free home opener? I'll accept the 47 degrees. All I ask is it doesn't rain or snow. I foresee this ending poorly once the Twins move outdoors... (Juice)

...I would like to note, however, that I hate retractable roofs and would prefer to sit outside on a 45 degree day than sit under one of those eyesores. Although, I would also suggest that the schedule makers don't start the Twins at home. I'll wait an extra week or two for the home opener if it means it will be slightly warmer and not snowing. (Juice)

...Finally don't forget that next week is baseball preview week here on Juice and The Kicker. I'm sure you are as excited as I am! (Juice)

Weekly Top Ten: 90's One Hit Wonders

2009-03-27T00:38:00.016-05:00

Who doesn't love a good one hit wonder?

For this list, I'm running down the "top" one hit wonders. I defined "top" based one or more of these three criteria:

1. Popularity
2. How ridiculous/annoying/catchy the song is
3. Songs I like (Most of the songs I like because they are so ridiculous and stupid it makes me laugh)

So then let’s get to the list.

10. "Graduation" - Vitamin C

Remember the television channel The Box? Yeah, I blame the box for a very large percentage of this list. In some cases I would say thank them, but this is definitely not one of those cases. Vitamin C wins the all time award for “obviousness.” This is the most obviously blatant way of saying “I’m going create a song that will be sung as the graduation song at high schools for the rest of time. I wonder what I should call it…oh! I know! Graduation!” By the way, if your class actually used this song at graduation, you are all going to end up homeless or in prison.

9. "Closing Time" – Semisonic

I actually like this song. With that said, I don’t think I’ve heard any other Semisonic songs so I’m sure they are all terrible, but I enjoy this one. I suppose if you are going to have a one hit wonder you might as well make it an actually decent song. Besides how can you not like a song about going to the bar, and trying to get in some girls pants? It’s like art imitating life imitating art. Or some bull shit like that.

8. "Peaches" - Presidents of the United States

Peaches come from a can
They were put there by a man
In a factory downtown.

Those lyrics say it all really. Don’t they?

7. "I'm Too Sexy" - Right Said Fred

I dare say this is the most preposterous song on this list. If you have never seen the video, go watch it now. There is a whole lot of shirtless man, and homoeroticism going on, but it is totally worth it. Fantastically hilarious.

6. "Cotton Eyed Joe" – Rednex

Did you know the Rednex’s are a Swedish Techno-Country band? Because they are. Obviously everybody knows this song is Techno-Country song (who knew blending two terrible things together would make something awesome?) but they are also Swedish. This takes this song to a whole other level. I always assumed the song was sung by a crazy old man with a scraggly beard sitting on a porch drinking moonshine, and ranting about some guy named Joe. A Swedish Techno band takes this song to a whole other level. Maybe they’ll make a Mamma Mia-esque musical out of it like they did for ABBA. The only difference being that I would actually watch the Cotton Eyed Joe musical.

5. "We Like to Party" – Vengaboys

How can you not love the Vengaboys?

"The Venga bus is coming

And everybody’s jumping

New York to San Fransisco

An intercity disco

The wheels of steel are turning

And traffic lights are burning

So if you like to party

Get on and move your body"

Done and done.

4. "Tubthumping" - Chumbawamba

"I get knocked down but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down

He takes a whiskey drink
He takes a vodka drink
He takes a lager drink
He takes a cider drink"

That’s it. Those are all the lyrics to this song. Well that and “Danny Boy, Danny Boy,” and so on and so forth. Now I’m not saying having so few lyrics is a bad thing. In fact, it is probably a good thing. I don’t think I’m going out on a limb by saying Chumbawamba aren’t exactly the greatest lyricists in the world. Plus, when you are singing a song about getting wasted, it is probably better to keep things simple.

3. Jock Jams -Various Artists

Whoever decided to create Jock Jams was an evil genius. Let’s take every catchy, ridiculous, often obnoxious song possible and cram them into one CD. Wait one CD isn’t enough, let’s go ahead and make five volumes. These CD’s basically ruined sporting event music. Well, these and the Baja Men.

2. "Mambo #5" - Lou Bega

RIP Lou Bega. You will be missed.

What? Lou Bega is still a live?

Oh. My bad.

1. "Summer Girls" – LFO

Remember the boy band craze? There was frosted hair and sweaters everywhere. Personally, I was always an *NSYNC man myself. As far as singles go, though, you just cannot beat “Summer Girls” by LFO. Check out the lyrics. They speak for themselves. Trying to describe the magnitude of LFO’s genius is impossible.

Honorable Mention:
“Bittersweet Symphony” - The Verve
“The Freshman” - Verve Pipe
“Breakfast at Tiffany’s” - Deep Blue Something
“I touch Myself” - Divinyls
“Whoot There it Is” - 95 South

-Juice

Sweet Sixteen and Elite Eight Picks

2009-03-25T14:27:00.009-05:00

Well we have made it to the Sweet Sixteen. Many people's brackets are busted, and there aren't any interesting underdogs left anymore (Arizona is a 12 seed but they aren't interesting) so the tourney is fizzling. The tournament always gets less interesting after the first two rounds, but whatever.

On to our Sweet Sixteen and Elite Eight picks. Also, we are ditching the whole upset in bold thing, since there really aren't any potential shocking upsets. Other than Arizona, but screw them.

Juice Says

Sweet Sixteen
Midwest:
Louisville beats Arizona
Kansas beats Michigan St

West:
UConn beats Purdue
Memphis beats Missouri

East:
Pittsburgh beats Xavier
Villanova beats Duke

South:
North Carolina beats Gonzaga
Syracuse beats Oklahoma

Elite Eight
Midwest:
Louisville beats Kansas

West: Memphis beats UConn

East:
Pittsburgh beats Villanova

South:
Syracuse beats North Carolina

This has been a relatively boring tournament so far. There were a few exciting games, and a couple of upsets (like my boys from Cleveland State) but for the most part the bracket has gone with the chalk (which, might I add, is the single dumbest expression in the history of the English language). Of course I can’t really say much, my finals teams are Pittsburgh and Louisville and that is quite chalkish as well.

I guess my most “out there” pick in the Final Four would be Syracuse (who I did have in my original bracket) but I think even they have a pretty big bandwagon at this point. Plus picking a three seed isn’t all that crazy.

Unless a team like George Mason makes a run, which is a rarity, the later rounds of the tournament are just like any other playoff where the best teams play and the unexpected rarely happens. Basically a whole lot of one and two seeds.

Of the teams left, a person could make a fairly convincing case for why any one of them could win. This is what makes college basketball more interesting than the NBA (Can’t the Lakers and Cavs just play the finals now? Do we really need two more months of NBA games to decide the inevitable?). With that said, however, there isn’t a team left in the NCAA tourney that is exciting, or an interesting Cinderella. (Note: Arizona has a few NBA caliber players and underachieved during the season, they aren’t a real Cinderella.)

At this point I am only interested in the outcome because it is a national championship. I’m not actually interested in the games. Basically the “madness” of March Madness is over.

Whatever happens though, there are two undeniable truths to be taken from this tourney: Oklahoma is an overrated one man team, and Eric Devendorf is the biggest tool on the planet.

The Kicker Says

Sweet Sixteen
Midwest:
Louisville beats Arizona
Kansas beats Michigan State

West:
UConn beats Purdue
Memphis beats Missouri

East:
Xavier beats Pittsburgh
Villanova beats Duke

South:
UNC beats Gonzaga
Oklahoma beats Syracuse

Elite Eight (Didn't this use to be called the Great Eight?)
Midwest:
Louisville beats Kansas

West:
Memphis beats UConn

East:
Villanova beats Xavier

South:
Oklahoma beats UNC

Alright, this tournament has been a letdown, I will be the first to admit that. But, it still has had its moments, whether or not there were upsets. Ben Woodside (Minnesota born and raised) from North Dakota State dropped 37 on Sherron Collins and Kansas, there have been some very hot cheerleaders and I have a growing hatred for nearly every basketball announcer (Kevin Harlan not included).

Now for my picks, I am not thrilled with my picks so far, but my Final Four is still intact. I didn't pick the "favorites" bur everyone is pretty much the same at this point. I like Memphis because of Tyreke Evans, there athleticism and there coach. They might not be a championship caliber team but I will ride those Tigers til they lose.

From the Midwest I am picking Louisville because of Samardo Samuels and Rick Pitino. He is underrated and Pitino is a winner. However, they lost to my Gophers which shows me they are definitely vulnerable. But working in their favor is Arizona who is not that good, Michigan St who is too slow to beat them and Kansas who relies to heavily on Cole Aldrich (Minnesota boy) and Sherron Collins.

I like Villanova because they are good and playing well. Pitt hasn't beat anyone better than a 6 seed in there last four tournament appearances and they wont this year. Finally, my "upset" is Blake Griffin making the Final Four. He is a one man team and I hate him but he is terrific. He will beats Jonny Flynn and Syracuse and then out play Tyler Hansboro and an injured Ty Lawson (two games in 3 days will make Lawson ineffective for the 2nd half against Oklahoma). So yes, I am still going to watch the games and probably end up caring more than I think but as it stands now, I don't really give a damn. I hope for good games, to win a few of my bracket pools and maybe just maybe find some more hot cheerleaders (I'm looking at you Louisville, Memphis and Arizona)

Expand the Madness

2009-03-24T15:32:00.009-05:00

A few quick "programming" notes before I begin:

1. I haven't posted for awhile because I was on spring break. I apologize. This is why I basically mailed everything in all of last week. Spring Break is the time to party like a rock star and that is exactly what I was doing. Well, not really, but you get my point.

2. Next week will be "baseball preview week." Monday we will break down the AL and NL East, Tuesday the Central, and Wednesday the West. This will be followed by the cu de gras on Thursday - our playoff and regular season awards picks. You don't want to miss it.

3. The Friday Top Ten and Random Thoughts will return to their regular schedule next week as well. The NCAA tournament threw off our feng shui.

4. Also, if you have any ideas for top ten lists, or would like to submit a Random Thought for inclusion in the weekly list please do so, preferably via email. We have yet to get a single email. All I want is one email by the end of the week. That is all I ask. Also, The Kicker is illiterate so if you want to write in just to make fun of him that is completely fine, he won't know the difference. I'll just tell him you said he is "a very special boy."

5. I don't actually have a fifth point. I just thought five was a better number to end on. Who wants to see a list of four? Awkward.

Now on to your regularly scheduled programming.

I, like everyone else, spent a large portion of my Thursday thru Sunday afternoon and evenings watching college basketball. It is March Madness, after all. The most interesting thing about the NCAA tournament, though, is how excited the general population gets. This is, of course, because of gambling and office pools (which nobody ever questions even though gambling is illegal.)

The fact is the popularity of the tournament is derived almost wholly from idea of setting up your own personal bracket -- Did my upset pick pull it out? (Thank you Cleveland State.) Are my Final Four teams still alive? Am I beating the attractive girl who knows nothing about college basketball and is only in the pool because everyone wants to sleep with her? -- These are things everyone can get behind (possibly literally, in at least one case).

The reality, however, is that there aren't that many diehard college basketball fans across the country. Yes there are subsets of very passionate fan bases (Duke, North Carolina, Syracuse, UConn, etc.) but these teams are located in areas that are mostly devoid of any professional teams. At least in the immediate vicinity.

Professional sports will always rule over college sports. Always.

This isn't to take anything away from March Madness. I would enjoy watching the tournament even if I didn't have any brackets on the line. There tends to be at least a couple of exciting games, and watching a big upset is always fun. (The most exciting game I saw all week, though, was a high school boy’s basketball game. Shout out to the state tournament bound, and undefeated, St. Cloud Tech Tigers.)

The fact is the NCAA Tournament is the single most genius concept any sports league --professional or college -- has ever come up with. It lends itself to excitement and intrigue. It enthralls the entire nation -- even if just for betting purposes.

So you know what I say? Let's extend the concept to other arenas.

Specifically, let’s have professional sports tournaments.

Now, this concept will never happen for about a million reasons, and some may say it is completely inane, but I defy you to claim a MLB tournament, or NFL tournament wouldn't garner your interest.

Let's use MLB as an example.

Currently, there are 30 teams in MLB, 16 in the NL and 14 in the AL. I would propose a bracket of 32 teams, with two "regions" (AL and NL). To make this work, you would also take the top two AAA teams, and put one in each league as the 16 seed. (This would be even more interesting if an AAA team had to play its parent club.)

You would play out the regular season just like normal, but instead of a playoff system that takes four teams from each league, you have a tournament with all the teams seeded record. (Note: I’m not saying this should happen every year, but you could do it every four years, and have one major professional sports league tournament each year. That is if you still consider the NHL a major sport.)From there, just like in March Madness, you would play out the tournament and see what happens. Can the 13 seed go on a hot streak and win the whole thing? Who knows? That's what would make it interesting.

Anyone can win.

Obviously there are issues with the concept. One NL team would have to move over to the AL for the tournament. The amount of time between games would change pitching matchups. A single elimination tournament could literally be played in a matter of days.

These issues would have to be ironed out, but I guarantee this type of set up would, unlike the WBC, be a tournament people would actually be interested in. And, creating an NFL tournament would be even easier as there are already 32 teams and football is set up better for single elimination.

With the right system and rules, this could definitely work.

Fans love tournaments. They love upsets. They love filling out brackets. They love Cinderella. They love knowing their team has a chance, even if they are a 16 seed. They love the drama and the excitement. They love the madness.

Who wouldn’t love to see the most popular concept in sports applied to the most popular teams, players, and leagues?

Too bad it will never happen.

-Juice

Random Thoughts...

2009-03-22T11:58:00.004-05:00

...You know you're in a small town when the gas station has a gun store attached. To let you know you're in a shitty small town there has to be a man standing outside the closed gun store, three pick up trucks getting gas and all of them have ATV's in the pickup bed. Yep, welcome to my drive back to school after spring break. (The Kicker)

...Texas Longhorn cheerleaders are hot. Especially when you compare them to the lackluster Minnesota Gopher cheerleaders. That is like a 1 seed vs 16 seed; and, as we all know, a 16 seed never beats a 1 seed. (Juice)

How awesome is it that President Obama filled out an NCAA bracket? Not only did he fill it out, he seems to understand basic things, like an 11 will beat a 6 and that some very good teams have key injuries. A lot can be told about how a person fills out their NCAA brackets and knowing that our president is knowledgeable and has clearly filled out many before this makes me feel good inside. (The Kicker)

...I disagree. President Obama is a pansy. He picked two "real" upsets, one of which was VCU over UCLA. Everyone is picking VCU over UCLA. Man up Mr. Commander in Chief. (Juice)

...He also went 8 for 8 on Saturday...just saying. (The Kicker)

...He also has a bracket that couldn't win anything because he was too much of a pussy to pick some upsets. (Juice)

...One of the most annoying things about college basketball is when the announcers call a "heat check" when a guy takes a bad shot the next time down after making one. So what if you made a 3? You don't need to pull up from 5 feet behind the line and chuck another one. You're not on fire, as we discussed in other posts on fire is when you make two in a row. (The Kicker)

...CBS needs to reevaluate how they decide which game to show during March Madness. There was one point on Friday when it looked like Pittsburgh might be upset by #16 ETSU (Eastern Tennessee State University?) and I was getting Dayton vs. West Virginia. Who cares about Dayton vs. West Virginia? Then again who would actually want to watch the biggest upset in tournament history? Pittsburgh ended up winning by ten, but it still makes me mad. (Juice)

...My favorite NCAA Tournament stat ever: In 2006 American companies lost $3.8 billion in productivity from its workers who were watching games, filling out brackets or looking at NCAA tournament coverage online. Gotta love corporate America being screwed by college basketball. (The Kicker)

...How much would someone have to pay you to hang out with Vin Diesel? (Juice)

...As discussed before I would want at least $1000/hour and he has to pay for everything we do while hanging out. (The Kicker)

...I hate Family Circus. (Juice)

NCAA Picks: Round 2

2009-03-21T12:24:00.005-05:00

Since it makes no sense to tell you our picks if the teams didn't make it, were going to pick the actual games. As before, all bolded games are upsets with more than a difference of 3 as their seeds. I'll give an example for our slower readers (you know who you are)

The Kicker's Picks
Midwest:
Louisville beats Siena
Arizona beats Cleveland St.
Kansas beats Dayton
Michigan St beats USC

West:
UConn beats Texas A&M
Washington beats Purdue
Marquette beats Missouri
Memphis beats Maryland

East:
Pittsburgh beats Oklahoma St.
Xavier beats Wisconsin
Villanova beats UCLA
Texas beats Duke (Ok, Texas is a 7, Duke is a 2. 7-2=5. 5 is greater than 3. It's bold!)

South:
UNC beats LSU
Western Kentucky beats Gonzaga
Syracuse beats Arizona St.
Oklahoma CRUSHES Michigan

Juice's Picks
Midwest:
Louisville beats Siena
Cleveland St beats Arizona
Dayton beats Kansas
Michigan St beats USC

West:
UConn beats Texas A&M
Purdue beats Washington
Missouri beats Marquette
Memphis beats Maryland

East:
Pittsburgh beats Oklahoma St.
Xavier beats Wisconsin
Villanova beats UCLA
Duke beats Texas

South:
UNC beats LSU
Gonzaga beats Western Kentucky
Syracuse beats Arizona St.
Oklahoma squeaks past Michigan

NCAA Picks

2009-03-18T23:56:00.008-05:00

Alright, the first round is upon us. So many games, so many updates and buzzer beaters but because of the intense action we are not going in depth on every game. Big upsets are in bold. Big upsets are when a team is more than 3 seeds lower than their opponent. Any questions, comments or concerns with our system...sorry, this was surprisingly hard to do.
Also, please do not ridicule us too much...because were probably doing better than you.

The Kickers Picks:

Midwest
Louisville beats Play-In-Winner
Siena beats Ohio State
Arizona beats Utah (See, this is a big upset because 12-5=7 which is greater than 3)
Wake Forest beats Cleveland St.
West Virgina beats Dayton
Kansas beats North Dakota St. (I would love to see NDSU win this)
Boston College beats USC
Michigan St beats Robert Morris (How does one guy, Robert Morris, make the tourney?)

West
UConn beats Chattanooga
BYU beats Texas A&M
Purdue beats Northern Iowa
Washington beats Mississippi State
Marquette beats Utah State
Missouri beats Cornell (Cornell will keep it close though)
California beats Maryland
Memphis beats Cal St. Northridge

East
Pitt beats East Tennessee St. (If Pitt loses the Tennessee teams could meet in round 2...)
Tennessee beats Oklahoma St (Sorry Cowboys, you're not that good)
Florida St beats Wisconsin (Florida St is the nations tallest team...I'm serious)
Xavier beats Portland St
VCU beats UCLA (Gotta love acronyms)
Villanova beats American (Is this an unpatriotic pick?)
Minnesota beats Texas (Tubby is a tournament coach...is that even a real thing? I say yes)
Duke beats Binghamton (PLEASE CHOKE BLUE DEVILS!)

South
UNC beats Radford
LSU beats Butler
Illinois beats Western Kentucky
Gonzaga beats Akron (I love the Akron Zips. Awesome nickname for a team)
Temple beats Arizona St. (Christmas time for Temple. That makes sense if you watch them)
Syracuse beats Stephen F. Austin (Another one man team makes it! Unreal!)
Clemson beats Michigan
Oklahoma beats Morgan St.

Juice’s Picks:

Midwest
Louisville beats Play-In-Winner
Siena beats Ohio State
Utah beats Arizona
Cleveland St. beats Wake Forest
West Virginia beats Dayton
Kansas beats North Dakota St.
Boston College beats USC
Michigan St beats Robert Morris

West
UConn beats Chattanooga
Texas A&M beats BYU
Purdue beats Northern Iowa
Washington beats Mississippi State
Utah St beats Marquette
Missouri beats Cornell
Maryland beats California
Memphis beats Cal St. Northridge

East
Pitt beats East Tennessee St.
Oklahoma St beats Tennessee
Florida St beats Wisconsin
Xavier beats Portland St
VCU beats UCLA
Villanova beats American
Texas beats Minnesota
Duke beats Binghamton South

South
UNC beats Radford
Butler beats LSU
Western Kentucky beats Illinois
Gonzaga beats Akron
Temple beats Arizona St.
Syracuse beats Stephen F. Austin
Clemson beats Michigan
Oklahoma beats Morgan St.

Busty Sleepers

2009-03-16T16:35:00.011-05:00

This isn't nearly as sexy as the title would imply, it just made me smile. Although, C.C. Sabathia is pretty busty, so that's something.

As promised, I'm going to run through a few fantasy baseball sleepers and busts to round out my 2009 fantasy baseball extravaganza. Yes. Extravaganza.

Also, just so you are mentally prepared, the rest of this week will be basically dedicated to March madness. So you've got that to look forward to.
Let's start with the sleepers:

Kevin Slowey (Twins)

Kicking things off is my homer sleeper du jour. Slowey is going to have a big year this year. Now, big is all relative, I'm not saying he'll win the Cy Young or anything, but if 13 to 16 wins and an ERA somewhere in the high 3.00s or low 4.00s is something you might be interested in, then allow me to introduce Mr. Slowey.

Stephen Drew (Diamondbacks)

Yes, I do feel dirty having a Drew on this list; but at least this Drew doesn't have the back of a 90 year old. Plus here are a few numbers for you: 44 doubles, 11 triples, 21 homers. Those are a few Stephen numbers from 2008. He is entering his third full season in the league and is poised to take off. Plus, one of the Drews has to live up to his potential eventually, right?

Adam Jones (Orioles)

(Insert Pacman joke here.) There. We got that out of the way. Now let me just tell you Jones is my, let’s call it, "super sleeper" of the year. I'm not saying he's going to be a top ten player or anything, but he will hit for good power with lots of speed and a solid batting average. And, for where he will go in the draft, he is definitley worth picking up; a lot of upside with Mr. Jones.

Aaron Harang (Reds)

Harang was absolutely awful last year. I know because he was on my fantasy team. Before you judge, though, look at his stats from 2007 and 2007. He was wildly underrated back then and I say he has a bounce back year. So there.

Lastings Milledge OR Elijah Dukes (Nationals)

But not both. One of them will have a good year and one of them will not. Choose one. I'm leaning towards Dukes, mostly because he scares me. Just, whatever you do, don't draft both of them because you will ruin the magic, consequently sucking them into a vortex of mediocrity. Do you really want that on your conscience?

Those are few of my sleepers, not necessarily all, but a few. I'm not giving them all to you because, well, do your own damn research you lazy bastard.

Anyhoo, on to the busts:

Felix Hernandez (Mariners)

He drives me crazy. Seriously. I draft him every year thinking he will finally break out, and he disappoints me every year. And you know what? I'll probably ignore my own advice and do it again. Damn you King Felix, damn you.

Ichiro Suzuki (Mariners)

Hey look I used his last name. More importantly, though, guess how old Ichiro is. Just guess. Don't cheat. Ready? Ready for this? Ready?

36.

He is going to start losing a step eventually, causing a drop in both steals and batting average; essentially making him worthless fantasy-wise. I say this is the year.

Any Yankees Starting Pitcher (Yankees, obviously)

Here is the Yankee rotation:

1. Massively overweight
2. Always injured
3. Euphemism for penis
4. Old
5. Possibly a felon

Hey. Good luck with that.

Matt Wieters (Orioles)

I think he will be very good eventually. The key word being EVENTUALLY. Take a look at his minor league stat s, they are literally jaw dropping. Seriously I had to pry my jaw off the floor. It just isn't his time yet.

Prince Fielder (Brewers)

Now I will admit I have a personal vendetta against Fielder. He may very well be my least favorite athlete in the world. I just thought you should know that before you take my advice about a guy who hit 50 home runs two years ago - which, by the way, helped win The Kicker and I like $400 in fantasy, so I don't hate him for screwing me over, I hate him because he seems like a terrible person. Plus he regressed in EVERY statistical category last year. I foresee that trend continuing.

Well, that is my list of sleepers and busts. I look forward to you all mocking me in a few months when it turns out my choices failed spectacularly.

-Juice

NCAA: The Tourney Begins

2009-03-16T00:44:00.000-05:00

I love March Madness.

I love every moment from the first tip of a mid-major conference playoff to the final buzzer of the National Championship game. I love every single moment of the underdogs trying to keep it close to create the "buzz" in the arena to the T.V. networks switching from game to game to appeal to the A.D.D. era of sports fans.

But most of all, I love the fact that its a true playoff, every team has a chance to make it when the season starts unlike the BCS. I love that its amateur athletes who care enough to play 6 OT's on Friday, after playing a game Thursday and they come back out and win another overtime game on Saturday (Syracuse deserves respect, especially Jonny Flynn who played 67 minutes in the marathon 6 OT game).

As I look back on the season and look forward to the tournament there are some astounding stats. The numbers players put up like Oklahoma forward Blake Griffin setting a school record for double-doubles when there was still 10 games left to play or Ben Woodside from North Dakota State scoring 60 points in one game and no one hearing a word about it. (He made 30 free throws, one shy of the all-time record).

I look forward to the tournament. It's a wide open field. If anyone can tell you there is a favorite, they are stupid, lying or both. University of North Carolina is the current number 1 in the nation. However, they have injury concerns, have lost games and are overall unimpressive compared to past champions.

Oklahoma was my favorite for a long time until they got knocked off early in their conference tourney. Louisville suffered losses early and Duke suffered them late. The Big East has Connecticut and Pittsburgh but my grandma pointed out the Big East struggles because of their brutal schedule (I'm serious, we had a lengthy conversation about it while watching the Big Ten tournament).

Then you have the surprise teams like Memphis, Kansas, Georgetown and Notre Dame. No one expected Memphis or Kansas to be back as tournament contenders but freshman standout Tyreke Evans (please let the Timberwolves draft him) has led Memphis to a top 5 ranking and Kansas center Cole Aldrich (should be playing for the Gophers, he left before Tubby came) is going to be a lottery pick but is an experience big man who can control the game on both ends. Georgetown and Notre Dame fell victim to the impossibly hard Big East and these preseason top 25's fail to make the tournament.

However, my favorite story is Kentucky who forced out Tubby Smith but is now on the outside looking in and will not make the tournament, ending a 17 year run. But Tubby and his Gophers are going to be in and everyone loves that the team who dismisses there hall of fame coach is on the way down.

I cannot tell you who will win it all, I cannot promise a 16 seed FINALLY wins a game and I cannot even come close to picking a perfect bracket. I might fill mine out based on mascots, conference affiliations or coolest player names (Cheif Kickingstallionsims is not in the tournament I don't think). But I can tell you I will be watching every possible game, having a half dozen gamecast open as my computer hums along into the wee hours of the night.

-The Kicker

P.S. If you're wondering we will be posting some picks, upsets and locks when the brackets are released so you will get the chance to not only mock me, but also Juice

Random Thoughts...

2009-03-14T14:06:00.000-05:00

...Probably not the best idea ever. Although, in his defense, who can stand being around kids for an entire day without a little pick-me-up? (Juice)

...Why does the NBA even bother having games during March? No one is going to watch the NBA unless the cheerleaders are naked and even then it really depends on what college basketball games are on. (The Kicker)

...So one of my classes is a once a week night class called "Document Design and Graphics. Basically it is an introductory graphic design class. Using software I have never used before, we had to create a poster for this class. Fine, whatever. The problem is I don't have the software on my computer so I had to use the campus computer labs to create, and print off the document. The problem with this is it costs $2.50 to print off an 11 x 17 color document, which is what the assignment called for. It took me like two hours to get the damn thing to print and I had to run off two copies (neither one correct), so naturally that pissed me off. After all this frustration I was late for class (by like an hour) and when I showed up the class was just leaving. So I went up to my instructor and explained why I wasn't in class and the technical difficulties I was having, and gave him an 8 x 11 copy of what my poster was supposed to look like, as well as an 11 x 17 copy of the technically challenged poster. I figured this would be sufficient since I actually did all the work. He proceeds to explain that I should just hand another copy the next day of the actual 11 x 17 poster. Well, at this point I must have been giving him the "are-you-fucking-serious" face because he said "is that ok?" So I say "Well the thing is I already spent money to print off these copies so I was hoping this would be enough." And he responds "The trial and error of printing things off is part of the cost for this class." Oh really? I thought it was the fucking $70 computer fee for using the labs and the $12 sketch book we had to buy for the class. My mistake. Anyway, so I ended up having to print off another copy the next day which cost me another $2.50. All in all I spent like $10 on this one assignment. Needless to say, I'm slightly annoyed. (Juice)

...As a followup to my last thought I would just like to note that I hate that class. Mostly because I hate art. I don't like drawing, I don't like painting, and I certainly don't like designing crap on computers. Hell, I don't even like looking at paintings. They are boring. A picture is, in fact, not worth 1000 words. 1000 words is worth 1000 words. You sir (or ma'am) are just a simple minded jackass that splashed some colors on a piece of paper. I have a Sopranos poster on my wall and that is plenty moving, thank you very much. I don't need some "masterpiece" to go with it. (Juice)

...Is there a better name in the history of sports than Chief Runningstallionsims? (Senior, Center, Alabama State Hornets) Well, here is a list of the top college basketball names for 2008-2009(The Kicker)

...I did some research and found very offensive, awkward and downright funny names. A favorite of the site is Rusty Kuntz (MLB) but other classics include God Shammgod (Providence basketball), Ray Kuntz (Notre Dame football), Danny Shittu (Nigerian soccer), Peter LaCock (MLB), Gregor Fucka (Yugoslavian basketball), Urban Shocker (1920 Yankees), Dick Pole (MLB pitcher), Johnny Dickshot (1937 Pittsburgh Pirates) and last but certainly not least Majestic Mapp (Virginia basketball). There were plenty more but I am lazy, find them on your own and make a comment. Maybe you'll get a prize. (The Kicker)

...I find it hard to believe that Roger Federer can't do better. (Juice)

...Three brief comments on Women "sports":
Comment 1: Oklahoma "woman" forward Cortney Paris promised to pay back her scholarship if her team didn't win the NCAA Tournament (I mentioned before they have a tournament so this should be a surprise) Her team lost to Connecticut by 28 earlier this year. UConn just beat number 5 by 40. "Mrs." Paris, start saving some money.
Comment 2: Women's "pro" soccer is a league starting this summer. Good timing to start a league that will struggle to make money. Tons of sponsors are willing to lose money right now, every company is doing great.
Comment 3: I will try really really hard to not post about women "sports" again. (The Kicker)

...Is there a more hit or miss band than the Red Hot Chili Peppers? Their songs are either incredibly good or unbearably bad. There is no in between. (Juice)

...Don't forget to have some pi today. (Juice - courtesy of one Dan Johnson)

Friday Top Ten: Most Overrated Movies

2009-03-13T14:47:00.000-05:00

Here are the three ways I have defined "overrated:"

1. Moves that have achieved more critical success than they deserve.
2. Movies that have achieved more commercial success than they deserve.

Basically, any movie that is either popular with critics or the ignorant masses (or both), is a candidate for "overrated."

So let's jump right in.

10. Star Wars Trilogy

Let me start by saying I am a Star Wars fan. I mean it’s freaking Star Wars. However the reason everybody loves Star Wars is because of the nostalgia and aura the movies manifest, not because they are actually high quality films. The reality is they are campy, contrived, and incredibly formulaic. And that, ladies and gentleman, is exactly what makes them overrated. (I’m talking only about the original trilogy, by the way. Everybody knows the three new ones suck.)

9. The Aviator

I’m a Leonard DiCaprio fan. I think he is the best actor in Hollywood right now, and he was excellent as Howard Hughes in The Aviator. The movie itself though? Excruciatingly boring. I’d rather watch hockey than sit through that three hour snooze fest again. Kate Beckinsale is smoking hot though; so that’s something. I guess.

8. 25th Hour

I’m not sure if this movie is actually popular, but I know several people who liked it, and it has a 7.9 rating on IMDB so I’ll assume it is - at least relatively speaking. Me? I hate this movie. It failed magnificently at everything it tried to achieve. Watch it and you will know what I’m talking about. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, well that just means I’m smarter than you. How do you like them apples?

By the way if people actually like this movie, please let me know and I’ll move it up, because, well, I want to spite you.

7. 12 Monkeys

How the hell is this movie number 186 on IMDB’s top 250 movies? Seriously? How? Admittedly, I do not like science fiction, so I was leery of 12 Monkeys before I even watched it. My skepticism was rewarded, however, when the movie tried to force feed me all its political and social commentary. Unfortunately for director David Gilliam and crew, 12 Monkeys was so bad I vomited right after it ended.

6. Raising Arizona

First off, the fact that the Coens even agreed to work with Nicolas Cage is unbelievable. Coens = good. Cage = bad. Hence, one would expect Coens + Cage = Mediocre. Right? Wrong. Coens + Cage = Awful. Someone who is good at math should explain how this works, because I love most Coens movies. Is Nicolas Cage just that horrible? Apparently.

5. Superbad

40 Year Old Virgin and Knocked Up are about a thousand times funnier than Superbad. I just don’t understand the Superbad phenomenon. I laughed at most twice. Seriously. I think the problem with Superbad is Seth Rogen had a smaller role than Jonah Hill, and Jonah Hill is annoying.

4. Braveheart/Gladiator/Troy/300/etc.

I lumped these all together because otherwise this entire list would be comprised of these stupid middle age/medieval/whatever war movies. And, let’s be honest, they are all basically the same. I get it; half naked guys with giant swords battle each other to the death and spout some catchphrases. I just don’t understand why this always takes three hours. By the way, the worst buyer’s remorse I’ve ever felt was paying $12 to see 300 in IMAX. Not to mention we had to drive 40 minutes to get to the theatre. Worse movie experience of my life. Well, other than that time I wandered into a gay porn theatre, but that’s a whole other story…

3. The Matrix

Oooohhh we live in a parallel universe with cool special effects. Congrat-u-freaking-lations. You do realize that Keanu Reeves was the main character in this movie right? Like you know that is him? Let’s just move on because everything about this movie makes me sad.

2. Little Miss Sunshine

Little Miss Sunshine was one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. I’m not even kidding. Why does everybody like this movie? Please explain. I demand at least one person step forward and explain in the comments section what makes this movie good. I never laughed once. And if you cite the dance Abigail Breslin’s character does at the end of the movie, I’m banning you from the blog. So come up with something else.

(Note: I’m just kidding, I won't actually ban you. We need all the readers we can get. Please don’t leave.)

1. Fight Club

I don’t get it. Not the movie itself, I get that. What I don’t understand is why everybody loves Fight Club. Is this just because it is one of those movies that people are “supposed to” love? Here’s the problem with that: Fight Club isn't just simply overrated, it is a bad movie. The entire concept is stupid and forced. If you want to watch a bunch of guys beat the crap out of each other that is fine, but turn on ultimate fighting or boxing. At least that is real. And by the way the “twist,” at the end of Fight Club isn’t sweet. It isn’t smart. It isn’t revolutionary. It is ridiculously, unbelievably, unfathomably awful. I have never been so pissed watching movie than during the ending of Fight Club. It makes me angry just thinking about it.

Honorable Mention:
V for Vendetta
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Casino
Pirates of the Caribbean

Fantasy Baseball Preview

2009-03-12T17:44:00.000-05:00

I'm in the fantasy frame of mind - fantasy baseball, not some weird sexual thing you sicko. Actually the fact is there isn't a whole lot going on right now and I need something to write about. So I'm going to run through the top fantasy player by position. Hoo ha!

Catcher: Brian McCann

Good batting average. Good power. Good OPS. GREAT beard. And as much as I like Turtle from Entourage look-a-like Russell Martin, McCann is slightly better over all. Although no catcher is worth being taken until at least the fourth round. And, if you are wondering, I didn't forget Joe Mauer. His health is in question and he doesn't have the power of McCann or the speed of Martin; although he is definitely the dreamiest.

First Base: Albert Pujols

He's the best hitter in baseball. ‘Nuff said.

Second Base: Dustin Pedroia

Allow me to defend myself here. I LOVE Chase Utely. Like in a borderline inappropriate way. However, as it stands, Pedroia is the safest pick at second base. Utley is coming off offseason hip surgery, which is enough to make anyone nervous. In fact, I might take Ian Kinsler before Utley this year, depending on where they go in the draft; and, for that matter, I would at least be willing to listen to the argument of Kinsler over Pedroia. I would just like one more big year from Kinsler so I am 100% sure last year wasn’t a fluke. Pedroia is the safest bet this year.

Third Base: David Wright

Speed. Power. OBP. Wright basically can do it all. Plus he isn't a tool like Miguel Cabrera (who will likely be listed as 1B/3B in most leagues even though he is barely fast enough to play first, which doesn’t bode well for third).

Shortstop: Hanley Ramirez

He should be your number one pick overall. He's like Jose Reyes if Reyes were actually good. Ok, that isn't fair. But Jose Reyes is very, very overrated. Remember a few years ago when Carl Crawford would constantly go too high in fantasy drafts because everyone thought eventually he would hit .330 with 20 hrs to go along with 50 steals? Yeah. That didn't happen. Ladies and gentleman meet the new Carl Crawford....JOSE REYES!

Outfield: 1. Ryan Braun 2. Josh Hamilton 3. Grady Sizemore

I don't like Sizemore. He's overrated as an ACTUAL player, but very good as a FANTASY player. It just bothers me that so many people consider him one of the best players in baseball and he can barely break a .270 avg. I realize batting average isn't everything, but it is still bothersome.

As for Braun and Hamilton, they may be the most talented hitters in baseball. Not the best, but the most talented. Plus if you aren't rooting for Hamilton (even though he is absolutely insane) you are a jerk. Also read his book. The writing is laughably simple, but it is an interesting read nonetheless. And you will understand what I mean when I call him insane.

Starting Pitcher: Tim Lincecum

Or, as he is called here, Tim "Line-of-Cum." Yes. Gross. But if you can't get on board with a guy who is 5-11 175 lbs and looks like he should be playing in the Little League World Series, well then I'm sorry you just have no hope. He isn't even 25 yet and he is already the best pitcher and baseball.

Relief Pitcher: Jonathon Pabelbon

I love the intense Papelbon stare. Absolutely love it. Not as much as I love asking people if they "have their Papelboner" when he pitches, but it's definitley close. As much as I like Joe Nathan, I'm still mad at him for helping choke away the end of the season for the Twins last year. Plus, Papelbon is slightly better anyway.

Now, I know what you are thinking, who cares who is the best at each position? Brian McCann isn’t worth taking in the first or second round. Yes, that is true, but it is still nice to have an idea what an ideal (although virtually impossible) fantasy roster would look like. And, just to appease you here is a list of my top ten players. Basically, these are the guys I would consider taking with a first round pick.

1. Hanley Ramirez
2. Albert Pujols
3. David Wright
4. Ryan Braun
5. Josh Hamilton
6. Grady Sizemore
7. Miguel Cabrera
8. Mark Teixera
9. Jose Reyes (yes, he is overrated but he steals bases and scores runs. I just won’t take him because he’ll never drop this far)
10. Tim Lincecum

Well there you have it. Now draft away faithful readers.

-Juice

World Baseball Classic

2009-03-10T22:17:00.006-05:00

I just want to state, before I begin, for all the meteorologists out there reading this post, please know that you should stop overreacting to weather reports. If you go on a rant about how we are about to get a giant blizzard that will dump at least 7-14 inches of snow and essentially knock out everything in town, you better be damn sure we get at least those 7 inches of snow and I have at least have one cancelled class. You've been warned.

Now on to the actual column…
“Why does [the World Baseball Classic] exist? The players and fans (for the most part) aren't interested…all the tournament does is screw up spring training and throw players off their normal preseason routine.”

That is a direct quote from me circa 10 days ago. Turns out I’m an idiot (but you probably already knew that.)

The fact is I have underestimated the World Baseball Classic. The games I have watched have actually been entertaining, and the teams seem to be legitimately interested in winning.

The reason for this is simple. Teams, instead of concerning themselves with building the best team statistically, are building around players that buy into the team concept. People seem to think the “elite” players aren’t taking part, but the reality is they are. It’s just that the “elite” players are also “gamers.”

Now I know I am throwing out a lot of "terms," but my point is, the key to winning this tournament isn’t putting together a team of superstars. It is putting together a team of players who actually care. Obviously talent matters, but having an interested David Wright is far better than having an apathetic A-Rod (if he were healthy. Also, Apathetic A-Rod should be the name of a band, if it isn’t already).

The fact is, creating a winning team is different than creating the best team statistically.

Real baseball isn’t the same as fantasy baseball.

Here, for example, is what my United States starting lineup would look like in a perfect world (assuming all parties were healthy):

C: Joe Mauer (Yes, this is a complete homer pick.)
1B: Kevin Youkilis
2B: Chase Utley
3B: David Wright
SS: Jimmy Rollins
LF: Ryan Braun
CF: Grady Sizemore
RF: Josh Hamilton
DH: Adam Dunn

Now, before you jump on the Adam Dunn pick, realize three things:
1. He is underrated.
2. He seems legitimately excited to be playing in the WBC.
3. He is a prototypical DH in that he is suspect defensively, and all he does is hit home runs.

As for the rest of the lineup, guess how many from my list aren’t on the actual roster. Only four.
1. Joe Mauer
2. Chase Utley
3. Grady Sizemore
4. Josh Hamilton

Of those four players, two were, in fact, on the original roster (Mauer and Sizemore) but dropped out due to injury, one had off season surgery (Utley), and one is basically living in the body of a 75 year old because of all the crack he did (Hamilton).

(Not to make fun of Hamilton, but after all the years of drug abuse it is hard to imagine what kind of shape his body is in internally. Point being, you can't blame the man for saving himself for the regular season.)

Everyone is making the argument that team USA isn't bringing the best players, and citing this as the reason the WBC will never work, but the reality is team USA is bringing the best players for this tournament. The 2006 team included players like Roger Clemens and Alex Rodriguez. That is like unleashing a throng of high class hookers with syphilis on the clubhouse and hoping the rest of the team doesn’t get infected. It’s not going to happen.

Now things do get a little dicey when you look at the United States pitching (No Hamels, Webb, Halladay, or Tim “Line-of-cum”?) but with the way pitchers are babied nowadays, you can’t blame them for passing on the WBC. They have to get their work in and get “stretched out” for the season. Now, whether this is a valid excuse is a whole other debate, but in the current baseball culture you can’t blame the pitchers for buying into this philosophy.

Now obviously the WBC isn’t perfect, and I’m not saying I am 100% on board with the concept, but I have enjoyed the games – more than I would be enjoying random spring training games, as I previously stated – and, the fact is, this really is the best time of year to hold the tournament. Plus the players seem legitimately excited.

This doesn’t mean I’m intensely rooting for team USA, or becoming a rabid fan of the WBC, but it is nice to watch relatively meaningful games in March. And, the fact of the matter is, people who claim the USA isn’t fielding a top notch roster, need to reevaluate what exactly “top-notch” means.

I know, because that is exactly what I did.

-Juice

[UPDATE: Watch the highlights of the Dominican Republic Vs. Netherlands and then tell me teams don't care. Yeah, that's what I thought.]

Random Thoughts...

2009-03-07T14:58:00.004-06:00

...If you enjoyed my post from yesterday you will love http://www.retrojunk.com/. I could seriously spend hours on that site. (Juice)

...If you had an attractive woman (or man if that’s what you're into) stalking you how would you feel about it? Would it be some weird combination of being excited and creeped out? I mean you would have to be at least a little pumped that some hottie is following you around. (Juice)

...My friend Brent and I were talking today about how the NBA is becoming relevant again. It's been a long time but it’s exciting. (The Kicker)

...While on the NBA I want to mention the resurgence of the Diesel. Shaq has been unstoppable since Amare Stoudemire got hurt. Can he keep it up? I doubt it, he is too old but he is giving his team a chance to make the playoffs and I wouldn't want to play them in the playoffs, especially if Steve Nash gets healthy. (The Kicker)

...God, I hope people are still reading after all that NBA talk...(Juice)

...I have beef with College Humor's Cute College Girl of the day. There is a difference between "cute" and "hot" - as every guy knows. The problem with Cute College Girl is sometimes they have girls that are "cute" and sometimes they have girls that are "hot." (And sometimes neither.) I feel like College Humor should do a better job of distinguishing this. If the girl is actually "cute" then, fine, call her the Cute College Girl. If she is hot then she should be Hot College Girl of the day. If, however, the girl isn't up to standards than it should say "Mildly Attractive College Girl" and I'll know to skip those days. (Juice)

...I've been listening to a lot of Coldplay recently. I don't know what my point is, I just thought for the sake of full disclosure you should know. (Juice)

...24oz cans of beer are a lot to drink. It makes you feel good though because you only have to open half as many for the night so your fingers don’t get sore. (The Kicker)

...Ordering MLB tickets on the first day they come out is frustrating. Or, at least it is with Twins tickets. Because of the high demand they always put you in a "virtual waiting room" so only a certain number of people can access the server at a time; except they don't tell you how soon you can enter the waiting room before tickets go on sale. Some years they don't even let you into the "waiting room" until right at the time tickets officially go on sale. I guess I'm just annoyed because as I type this I'm waiting to get tickets and it takes an inordinate amount of time. (Juice)

… By the way, tickets are basically sold out. The only seats left are Upper GA. (Juice)...There are few worse rules in sports than being able to call a timeout in basketball when players are in a scrum for the ball. (Juice) ...The best television sports theme song by far is the NCAA basketball on CBS song. I think I'm more excited for March Madness because of that song than the actual games themselves. (Juice)

...Awesome. Mostly because of number one, but there are a couple of others that are chuckle-worthy. (Juice)

Weekly Top Ten: 90s Cartoons

2009-03-06T15:49:00.010-06:00

I'm a sucker for top ten lists. Or lists of any kind for that matter. With this in mind, I've decided Fridays will feature a top ten list on a random subject. Suggestions are not only welcomed, but encouraged. The more random the better, as long as they are interesting and something that can be made into a substantial list.

This week: Top ten cartoons from the 90s

*Note these shows had to be made in the 90s. Shows that began in the 80s but spilled over into the 90s count, while shows that were only made in the 80s, but I watched in the 90s do not. Capiche?

10. Garfield and Friends (1988-1995)

I think my favorite part about this show was that there were basically two people doing all the voices, except they didn't bother to change their voice for the different characters. Basically you had Garfield and John Arbuckle in the main story, and a mini story about the farm animals who all sounded exactly like Garfield and John Arbuckle. Classic. Plus Garfield and Friends was about 1000 times better than the comic strip.

9. Muppet Babies (1984-1991)

Barely making the 90s cut, but a fantastic cartoon. I would also like to note this begins the first of several theme songs you will have stuck in your head for the rest of the day. "Muppet Babies we make our dreams come true, Muppet Babies we'll do the same for you." By the way, the quintessential Muppet Babies episode was the Star Wars parody. If you don't know what I'm talking about I weep for you.

8. Rocko's Modern Life (1993-1996)

The quintessential stupid, gross, everything a kid loves cartoon from the mid 90s. (Other than Ren and Stimpy but the difference is Rocko’s Modern Life was actually good.) Rocko’s Modern Life featured the stupid gross out jokes a kid loves, and a main character who lived next door to people named the Fatheads. Who doesn’t love that? The theme song is more annoying than I remember though.

7. Duck Tales (1987-1990)

"Duck Tales, OOO-ooo." That is hard to type, but you get the idea. I've been watching the opening credits to each of these shows as I go through the list, and it makes me want to move every show up. I would also argue, if this list was based solely on intros, Duck Tales would be at the top; but I was a little younger during this time period so the show itself doesn't stand out as much in my mind.

6. Tale Spin (1990-1994)

Ok. I stand corrected. Tale Spin is definitely at the top of the opening credits list. I would also like to point out three things:

1. "There is something out there gobbling up airplanes" is a quote I still inexplicably use now.

2. The Jungle Book is one of the worst disney cartoon movies ever, but anytime you can take characters from a crappy movie and turn them into a TV show about pilots being chased by "air pirates," you have my undivided attention.

3. The episode where Baloo and Kit Cloudkicker switch bodies because of a mysterious magical artifact was one of the greatest television moments of my life. I'm not even kidding.

Also, the title of the show is a pun and that makes me smile.

5. Hey Arnold! (1996-2004)

First of all, I didn't realize Hey Arnold! lasted that long. This is also the last watchable children's cartoon ever made, mostly for the fact that all the characters head shapes were based on inanimate objects.

"Move it football head!"

But I think the one thing we will all remember forever is when Stoop Kid finally found the strength to leave his stoop. Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?

4. Chip N' Dale Rescue Rangers (1989-1992)

If the first thing you did after reading that title wasn't sing "Ch-Ch-Ch-Chip n' Dale Rescue Rangers," either out-loud or in your head, you are a bad person. Seriously. That is the official test to decide your worth as a human being. Easily the second best theme song on this list (number one yet to come) and anytime you get two chipmunks solving crimes you are in for a very entertaining half hour.

3. Doug (1991-1994)

God how I loved this show. Doug Funnie. Pattie Mayonaise. Mosquito Valentine. These are some of the greatest characters in television history. Not only did each one have a strange name, they had a strange skin color. I also referred to Doug as “normal colored” when referring to his skin one time, so you have to love a show that brings out a child’s latent racism.

2. The Simpsons (1989-current)

With The Simpsons we have the only show on this list that is still being made; although, if you have seen any of the new episodes, you could easily make the argument that isn’t a good thing. (How bad was the movie? Yeesh.) In its glory days of the mid to late 90s, however, The Simpsons was undoubtedly the best show on television. It had something for everyone. I would even accept the argument that The Simpsons should be number one, but for me, that just isn’t the case.

1. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1987-1996)

THE television show of my childhood. Nothing else even comes close. I woke up every Saturday morning, rocked my matching TMNT sweatshirt and sweatpants and entranced myself in the half hour cartoon. Not only is this the best show on this list, but it also spawned the best theme song, the best toys, and the best PJs of any television show ever made. And, I would just like to note, to whoever decided to bring Teenage Mutant Turtles back and ruin it by naming the movie just TMNT, and making it some stupid hip, futuristic crap, I hope you die a slow, painful death. There is only one Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles series that should be recognized, and that is the original.

Honorable Mention:
Goof Troop
Recess
The Busy World of Richard Scarry
Rugrats
Darkwing Duck

-Juice

"Wanna Come Over and Play?"

2009-03-05T17:49:00.005-06:00

Can you imagine being a kid these days? It’s a depressing thought, isn’t it?

I suppose everybody says this about their childhood era, but the 90s were the best possible time to grow up. In fact, quite simply, technology has ruined being a youth. It is really quite sad.

Now I know what you are thinking, "But Mr. Juice, there was plenty of technology in the 90s: Nintendo, computers, television, etc." And yes, there was. However, the Nintendo of the 90s was nothing like video games today. You couldn't sit in front of the television for hours playing Mario, because it was the same thing over and over again. An hour or so of Nintendo and you are pretty much set for the day.

I have to admit personal bias here, because I had no interest in Nintendo as a kid. In fact, I didn't even own a video game system until I got a Playstation in sixth grade – shout out to Crash Bandicoot. I am also biased because I spent the majority of my time outside playing baseball in the summer, and building snow forts in the winter. Do kids still do that?

I'm pretty sure they don't. And that is unbelievably depressing.

Now, admittedly, I frolicked outside a tad more than most kids, but even if you take the average frolicker of the 90s, they spent far more time outside than children of today.

In the 90s calling up a friend and saying "wanna come over and play" - which is exactly what everyone said, by the way - didn't mean sitting in front of a TV with an xbox 360 controller, it meant actually playing.

Hell, these days kids don't even need to get together, they can just play each other in Halo and communicate via microphone. I just can't imagine that.

Most child psychologists agree that kids learn the most from interacting with their peers, which essentially means playing outside, not cooping yourself up with an Xbox and bag of Doritos. So what happens when kids skip that step?

I promise human interaction is one thing Google can't help with that.

As I sit here I will admit I can't imagine my life without Google - the answer to any question at your fingertips - but, at the same time, I can't imagine being an kid and not discovering answers for myself. (Although I will say my Google searches would've been a little different as an eight year old, well, except for "boobs." That never gets old.)

Kids no longer have to discover answers. If children want to solve life’s little paradoxes they can simply type them into Google. Thinking and analyzing be damned.

Have you seen that commercial for Windows where the little five year old girl is showing how easy it is to use a PC? How depressing is that? Not because a 5 year old is smarter than me, I'm fine with that, but because a fucking five year old can sit down and use a computer. Five year olds shouldn't be using computers; they should be eating paste and sticking things up their nose. When I have kids, I would much rather have them eating weird shit than sifting through my Google searches.

Life’s little mysteries should be discovered, not Googled.

Now, I'm not trying to advocate outlawing video games or the internet. I use both. And I'm not saying video games are the root of all evil. I played plenty of computer games. I'm just saying they should be used in moderation. They shouldn't be the centerpiece of a child’s day.

My worst fear (other than giant spiders) is that the youth are calling - or hell, probably texting – each other and saying “do you want to play football?” Except football means Madden on Xbox.

And this is a completely a cultural issue.

Kids have been ingrained in the last ten years to think that playing sports video games is more fun than playing actual sports. This, obviously, isn’t true. I, too, enjoy sports video games, but nothing beats green springy grass, and the feel of a baseball in your hands. And, suffice to say, the only reason I actually enjoy sports video games is because they present an alternate reality of something I already love. Something I love, from real experience.

Playing outside is the best part of childhood. Being a kid isn’t about gaming and gorging, it’s about capture the flag and kick the can. It’s about running, jumping, laughing, throwing, hitting, tackling, and anything and everything you can think of. It’s about eenie meenie minee moe, bubble gum bubble gum in a dish, and of course Indian Indian in a hut what color is your butt?

It is about making up games and making up mischief.

And, fine, maybe there is some problem solving involved in video games, and learning to use certain parts of a computer are important for a kid, but no amount of computing, or deciphering how to kill an alien sniper, can make up for whizzing to the bottom of a hill on a bicycle - or whizzing on a bicycle at the bottom of a hill, for that matter. Kids need fresh air and exercise, they just do.

This doesn’t mean children should be forced to play a specific sport (other than not being allowed to play soccer, of course) but, I promise, if you send a kid outside and say "go nuts" they will find something worthwhile. Plus the weird games kids come up with using toys in the garage, show far more analytical thinking than triumph over the alien sniper.

Now I realize my childhood of playing baseball everyday was different than most, and this fanaticism isn't a requirement, but getting kids off their asses is.

Maybe that era is dead. But I like to think that isn’t the case.

I like to think there will again be a day when the phrase "wanna come over and play?" regains its proper meaning.

-Juice

A blog in review...

2009-03-04T18:54:00.007-06:00

Looking back over the past couple of months this blog has changed. What was once a far-fetched and crazy idea for two friends to make it big and retire early, has turned into a blog with a few loyal visitors, obscure hits from around the globe, contests, prizes, promotions and most of all one big "suck it" from Google.

Juice and The Kicker was born on January 9th with a "Friendly Hello to All.” The site was "under construction" for most of the month but as it was built into a finely oiled machine...or something like that, visitors started to trickle in - slowly. As we added a visitor counter we could track each and everyone one of you (in the creepiest way possible, of course) and see your every move.

The Facebook group was a quick boom to our success and we thank all of our loyal fans. Not to mention the 8 followers we have on the blog! But as we covered the Super Bowl, Manny being Manny, video games, childhood memories, random thoughts and so much more, we grew to love our site. We also learned that if we write about what our fans want (hint hint) they will continue to come back.

It was not until Google took away our ads (and therefore our pittance of ad revenue we were going to use to bring the site to new heights) that we realized we were in this for the long haul. With that in mind, we want to announce that we have, in fact, secured PRICELESS memorabilia that will be given out as deemed necessary. There will be contests, promotions and anyone who mails a self-addressed envelope with $10 can receive these very rare collector items. We spent a small fortune to secure these artifacts, and we promise they are worth all 1000 pennies.

We will continue to grow as bloggers and find new and innovative ways to attract an audience, but most of all we will become rich and famous. In the following months visitors can look forward to videos of us discussing pressing national matters, like our top ten list of coolest famous people to hang out with, our ten most hated athletes and many other ramblings, arguments and drunken chat fests.

But those are for later days and in the words of the immortal Benjamin Franklin "Juice and The Kicker will continue to impress for decades because they are as talented, insightful and innovative as any twosome ever, this includes Jordan/Pippen, Sigfried/Roy, The King and Queen of Hearts and Adam/Eve".

So continue to visit, read, react and request because you never know what we will come up with next.

-Juice and The Kicker

NFL's Version of Spring Training

2009-03-03T15:25:00.003-06:00

As I sit here and write this I cringe just a little bit. I am not afraid of stepping on toes by comparing football to baseball, but I am working off of something that Spring training brings to baseball fans. I cringe because for me as a sports fan hope has been a scary thing.

The Vikings losing to the Falcons in the 1998 NFC Championship game took away a lot of my hope. Every offseason when the Twins fail to do anything significant (this year was better) I lose hope. But right now, as I look at a league full of hope. Let me explain.

The NFL is a league full of hope. The lowly Kansas City Chiefs have hope next year because their picks from last years draft will improve, they have a new quarterback in Matt Cassel and linebacker in Matt Vrabel (honestly, this trade might turn out awful for the Chiefs). Not to mention the Chiefs can get an impact defender with the #3 pick overall. Will the Chiefs win the Superbowl? Not likely. But they have a chance to keep compete in the AFC West and improve greatly on last season. Or so they hope.

Does hope only rest in the teams? Absolutely not. Hope rest in the players who are working out at the NFL Combine, trying to find a new home and a contract that will set up their family for generations to come.

But despite the money the teams are spending, the players signing the contracts and hope being abundant in the league's inner circles, there is no place in which hope is more prevalent in the fans.

In the AFC hope is plentiful as you look at the Jets who hope to move past their Brett Favre saga, Texan fans hope to move past the lost of Sage Rosenfels (this is a joke), Patriot followers hope and pray that the surgically repaired ACL of Tom Brady can hold up and the Titans hope that their run defense was not completely reliant on Fat Albert Haynesworth.

In the NFC Cardinals fans hope Kurt Warner will return and lead back to the Superbowl, Giants fans hope that none of their players will shoot themselves in the leg, Packers fans hope Favre stays retired and the Redskin faithful hope Albert Haynesworth is worth his $100 million...or at least 1/4 of it.

But the most hopeful of all fan bases is the Lions few. I say few because I assume most fans have quit on the worst team in history. The Lions fans can hope for a win, maybe even two. But most of all they hope they don't use the number one pick overall on a receiver.

As we move into the NFL's Spring Training remember to have hope. Hope that next year will bring better things, hope that you can bask in the glory of your team winning on Sundays and more than anything hope that your team does not end up like the Lions of last year.

-The Kicker

Random Thoughts...

2009-02-28T13:22:00.000-06:00

...When did people decide it is ok to to preface something inappropriate with a justification and think that it isn't inappropriate? If you say "I'm not racist but (insert something incredibly racist)" or "I'm not trying to be a dick but (insert something really dickish)" you are, in fact, racist or a dick. Prefacing something with a pseudo apology does not mean you are allowed to say whatever you want. (Juice)

...I do not run the world but if I did I would make sure that McDonald's served Shamrock Shakes year round. I don't care what reference was made on The Simpson's, Shamrock Shakes are amazing.

Chief Wiggum: “I miss Shamrock Shakes, but they ain’t coming back ’til March.”
Lou: “You know, Chief, Shamrock Shakes are just vanilla shakes colored green.”
Chief Wiggum: “Well, I taste the flavor. It’s a very mild mint.”
Lou: “Well, maybe ’cause it’s a minty color, your mind is fooling your tongue.”
Chief Wiggum: “I know what I taste.”
Eddie: “I gotta go with Chief on this one.”
Lou (sarcastically): “Whoa, there’s a big surprise.”
(The Kicker)

...What's with the Mount Rushmore shtick ESPN is shoving down our throats? It is a cool concept but they have like 5 different articles dedicated to the topic. Do we really need to deal with the Mount Rushmore of every single sport? Isn't one Mount Rushmore of sports per state enough? I mean Idaho doesn't even deserve one, let alone one for every sport. (Juice)

...Why do so many people care about the NFL combine? I realize it's a huge deal that offensive lineman run slow 40-yard dashes, but for ESPN to report on it is annoying. Please stop. I will wait until the draft to care. (The Kicker)

...What is the appropriate distance when deciding if you should hold the door for someone who is walking behind you? Whenever I'm in that in between stage of should I hold the door for this person or not, and I choose not to, I wonder whether they are thinking "why didn't this ass hole hold the door for me?" And, if you are wondering, I absolutely think that about people who don't do so for me. If I am just a couple steps behind you, and you let to door shut on me, I will immediately judge you as an ass hole. And just remember first impressions tend to stick. I'm not asking for a full on open the door and let me walk in first, but at least give me the extra hard door shove so it stays open for me as I walk through. It's common courtesy. (Juice)

...How on Earth do the Cardinals let Kurt Warner become an unrestricted free agent? He is your one chance at not having a huge let down season. (The Kicker)

...I prefer my "Chunk" as a chunk, thank you very much. (Juice)

...It's good to see the Redskins spending money on their defense. It worked really well in the past with 37 year-old Bruce Smith (5yr, 25 million, played one season) Deion Sanders (7 yr, 56 million, 8 million bonus) and Adam Archuleta (7yr, 35 million, 10 million bonus). At least they didn't overpay for Albert Haynesworth (7yr, 100 million) and DeAngelo Hall (6yr, 54 million). What recession? Never heard a word about it...(The Kicker)

...Do people still use hair gel? Remember like 8-10 years ago when every guy was rocking "helmet head" and you wondered if you could snap of pieces of his hair? How many people still do this? I ask because someone sitting in front of me in class the other day was rocking the hair gel look. I guess my point is this: If you are still using hair gel, you probably need to seriously reevaluate your life. (Juice)

...Awesome website. Most of these shirts are worth buying...http://mypartyshirt.com/Beers-jersey (The Kicker) ...Once baseball has started it shouldn't be so cold and windy outside that it makes my face hurt - even in Northern Minnesota. The again, this is Minnesota, and last year featured an opening day blizzard. Still, cold weather is unpleasant. (Juice)

...I decided today one of my biggest pet peeves is when you get change after buying something and its Canadian coins. I hate Canadian coins. Yea, its only a nickel. But it's a worthless piece of shit nickel from Canada. Do Canadian people hate when they get American coins? I don't know and I don't care. Maybe this only happens in Northern states since we're close to Canada, but I still hate it. (The Kicker) ...I always get the itch to get out and play golf this time of year. Which sucks because I'm looking out my window and it is snowing right now. Golf and snow don't mix so well. (Juice)

...Has anyone considered that Manny Ramirez may very well be the real life Benjamin Button? He seems to be getting more childlike as he gets older; and, if this is true, he will in theory only get better at baseball as he continues to get older. At least until he gets so old that he is too young. Think about it. (Juice)

...It's like the real life version of being on fire in NBA Jam. (Juice)

Friday Fumings

2009-02-27T16:46:00.001-06:00

I created the weekly Random Thoughts because I tend to spend a lot of time lost in my own head and I figured this site would be a good place to write down some of my musings. (And, yes, I stole the idea from a multitude of places so I’m not passing the concept off as original, but I like to think most of the thoughts themselves are at least somewhat original.) With that in mind I have some extra things I’ve pondered this week that I would like to expand upon a little more. Maybe I’ll do this every Friday. Expand upon three things from the week that I’ve been pondering. If I do that, however, I’d like a better title than “Friday Fumings,” but I’m feeling lazy right now and that is the best I could come up. If you have any ideas let me know.

And away we go…

1. Sage Rosenfells is not good.

Stop. Please. Just stop Vikings fans. Sage Rosenfells is not more talented than Gus Frerotte. He gives the Vikings about the same chance to win as Frerotte did, he just happens to be about ten years younger. Bonus points to Rosenfells though if he head butts a wall.

(Note: I am not saying Rosenfells and Frerotte are the same person, I am saying they give the Vikings an equal chance to win. This does not undermine my argument from yesterday. They are not the same person; they are just both not very good quarterbacks.)

I just feel like Vikings fans are trying to talk themselves into Rosenfells. For example I listen to KFAN's Powertrip Morning show podcast fairly regularly - the shows hosts are kind of morons, but it is mostly entertaining, besides listening to podcasts breaks up the monotony of internet porn - and they keep talking about how great a move bringing in Rosenfells is. Why? So he can throw too many picks and make bad decisions? I would honestly rather see Tavaris Jackson start over Rosenfells, and I dislike T-Jack more than most fans.

It just bothers me how ridiculous Vikings fans are. Come October, assuming Rosenfells is the starter, fans will be complaining about how terrible he is - yet right now they love him because they haven't seen him play, and inexplicably just assume he is a viable QB option.

What the Vikings really need to do is start over. Draft a young QB and sign a solid, veteran player like Jeff Garcia. This team can win now, just not with Rosenfells or T-Jack.

2. Silverback Gorilla vs African Elephant

So as I mentioned I frequently listen to KFAN's Powertrip Morning Show podcast. Well this week they ran an animal fighting tournament on their website, basically to have people vote on the animal they felt would win a March Madness-esque tournament of the animal kingdom.
The guys on the show spent part of the day today talking about how badly an African elephant would destroy a silverback gorilla (the championship match). This is absolutley insanely absurdly (insert several more adjectives here) ridiculous. Now, I realize how large an African elephant is, but they can't f-ing move. A silverback gorilla is one of the strongest animals on the planet, not too mention that has one of the strongest jaws on the planet. I don't give a damn how big the freaking elephant is, size doesn't matter if you can't do anything with it. All the gorilla would have to do is jump on the the elephant's back and the fight would be over. This drives me crazy.

Give me the choice between fighting an elephant and a gorilla, with a non firearm weapon of my choice, and I'll take my chances with the elephant before the gorilla.

3. The World Baseball Classic

Why does this exist? The players and fans (for the most part) aren't interested. Granted the fans in places like the Dominican Republic, Venezuela, etc. get excited because they don't normally get to see MLB players, and it is great exposure for those Latino countries, but all the tournament does is screw up spring training and throw players off their normal preseason routine. There is no good time to hold this tournament, so it just shouldn’t exist.

Now maybe MLB could drum up some legitimate interest in the WBC if they actually got the best players to take part. The United States, however, third and fourth starters are Ted Lilly and Jeremy Guthrie. This tournament is supposed to decide the best of the best; and, last time I checked, any roster that includes Ted Lilly and Jeremy Guthrie isn’t the best of the best.

The whole system is flawed, and there really is no way to fix it.

And besides, personally, I would rather watch spring training games than WBC games. Yesterday the Braves were playing the Astros in a meaningless early spring game on ESPN and they mentioned on the telecast it would be the only spring game they would show this year because of the WBC – I was bummed.

Maybe I’m the only one that feels that way, but I still don’t know anyone that is legitimately excited for the WBC. It may be a cool concept in theory, but it just doesn’t work in practice.

-Juice

"He's Heating Up"

2009-02-27T15:12:00.005-06:00

Those were glorious words to me as I sat on the couch, Game Gear (am I the only person who ever owned one of these?) plugged in to the wall (Game Gear drained 4AA batteries in under an hour so plugging into the wall was a must) I am referring to NBA Jam, one of my all-time sports video games.

Granted, I loved Blades of Steel (NES)/NHL 94 (Sega), College Football 95 (Sega), Baseball Stars (NES) and of course Dale Earnhardt Racing (just kidding, I made this up, if its an actual game then I feel bad for anyone who ever bought it) but NBA Jam is the first in a long-line of memories for me.

NBA Jam is the two-on-two masterpiece that pitted all-star tandem's vs. all-star tandem's in a full court match up made for high scores, incredible dunks and of course, being on fire. All it took was three consecutive baskets with one player and your guy was unstoppable. He could hit half-court shots with ease, perform incredible dunks and take over the game. As basketball video games go, this is tops.

But as I grew older and realized staring excessively as a 3 inch screen was affecting my vision, I turned to a greater form of entertainment. This form of entertainment was College Football 95 for Sega Genesis. (I must have had the worst judgment as to what systems to get for Christmas) As alluded to in an earlier post, I still consider myself one of the top ten players in the history of this game.

I consistently scored in the 100's and I could do it on the ground or in the air. I knew every play and I ran them to perfection. My friend Swervey and I have more national championships than you could imagine and I did it all on the legs of Kordell Stewart. I almost lost once but I threw a hail mary (with Kordell obviously) ala 1994 to win as time expired. The best part was after you won a championship the school's mascot would run across the field. I loved that buffalo.

Next up is Blades of Steel/NHL 94. I only will give only two shorts paragraphs to hockey because its hockey but Blades of Steel brings me back to when my brother would consistently crush me in the game and the in-game fights. Usually a post-game fight would ensue between us and he would win that as well but nonetheless, I loved the game.

NHL 94 was none stop fun as I dominated with Ed Belfour between the pipes. He saved everything and with Jeremy Roenick, Chris Chelios and my gifted fingers tapping A, B and C I was a lock to win the Stanley Cup every year. Not to mention I was incredible at checking in this game and when you hit the post it made a very realistic sound letting you know you did.

Last, but certainly not least, is the most forgotten game of all-time. Baseball Stars was the first game to let you create your own player, your own team and give attribute points to your players. (All of these became crucial in sports games following this one) There was also an all women's team so girls weren't left out (They turned into the Kansas City Royals later on). The only downfall of Baseball Stars was that when you removed the game from the system you were required to hold down reset or else all information would be lost. Regardless, by winning games you could boost your players skills. There was free agents you could sign and build up and if you wanted to you could create yourself and make yourself the best player in the game.

This was a short list and I know I forgot some games (Jordan vs. Bird, Barkely's Shut Up and Jam, Base Wars, Super Punchout) but that is for another time. I apologize to those of you who never played these awesome retro games but you missed out.

-The Kicker

He is the Next...

2009-02-26T14:45:00.007-06:00

That sentence can be completed in a myriad of ways. It seems every big time athlete who is coming up through the ranks of his (or her, I suppose) sport gets compared to a legend. Lebron is the next MJ. Adrian Peterson is the next Eric Dickerson. Hell, I was watching a spring training game just today and the ever-frustrating Steve Phillips compared Braves prospect Jason Heyward to Willie McCovey.

This happens all the time.

Of course, this phenomenon happens in almost all cultural areas. An up-and-coming young writer is the next Hemingway. Megan Fox is the next Angelina. Coldplay are the next Beatles - but only because they are also British.

I do wonder if this idea has permeated middle class society as well. For example, if a company hires an upstart young accountant to replace, let’s say, Bob the accountant (who was the best accountant the company had ever seen) do the other workers say "Have you met the new accountant kid? I tell you what he's a stud. He may very well be the next Bob." The more I think about it, the more I realize this probably actually does happen.

I understand why people make these comparisons, but it is also kind of frustrating. I realize people like to put things in perspective, and the easiest way to do that is compare up-and-comers to the past, but why can't we just accept that someone can be great at something without having to be exactly like someone else?

Let's use Lebron James as an example since the Lebron/Michael Jordan comparison seems to be the most common made these days.

Lebron is undoubtedly a great player, but he is obviously not the exact same as Jordan. (Quick digression: are we going to start calling Lebron "LJ" eventually? Is this a nickname progression? Starts with the full name "Lebron James," then we work our way to first name basis once we feel like we know him, then finally get to "LJ" once he gets older? Is that what happened with Jordan? I feel like he was called "Michael" at one point and now he is just "MJ." Someone should look into this.)

It seems at some point we need to stop comparing Lebron to MJ, and just start realizing that Lebron is a different, albeit great, player. There are similarities between the two: their intensity, charisma and likeability, and the way they seem to make their teammates better.

These are fair comparisons to make, they are/were both very good in those areas, but to say Lebron=MJ, which is what this boils down to, is unfair and ridiculous. Lebron should be able to stand out on his own as a great player, without having to worry about whether or not he “is Michael Jordan.”

Of course, the irony of this is in 20 or 30 years some young kid will be coming up through the basketball ranks and people will be saying “he is the next Lebron.”

It is a never ending, unfair, cycle.

For another example let's pretend for a second I had some sort of talent - which, of course, I do not- I would be flattered being compared to a legend of my craft, but I would still want to stand alone.

Here is a hypothetical question/answer situation:

Interviewer: People say you are the next (insert famous, talented person here), how do you feel about that?

Me: I am flattered that people would even consider me in the same breath as (insert famous, talented person here). I am a huge fan of him. However, I like to think of myself as a unique individual, and would like my work to stand on its own. I understand that people like to put labels on everyone, but I do not want to be the next anyone. I look at my work and hope that people won't feel the need to compare me to someone else because I would hope they enjoy what I have done, and are able to say he is great at what he does, but not because I am the same as someone else. I want to be great because I am me, not because I am someone else.

See, now if (if=when) I ever become famous, and somebody asks me that question, you know how I will answer it. It is on the record.

I guess, ultimately, it all just boils down to why isn’t a person being his or her self good enough? It really comes down to the idea that we are all unique. And, yes, I know that sounds corny.
Or maybe it is nothing more than a barometer deciding when someone has really become great at something. Maybe you are only great when you are allowed stand on your own in the public eye.

That, however, is pretty sad state of affairs.

-Juice

Quick Note

2009-02-24T22:50:00.006-06:00

This site is now a steroids free zone. Unless someone breaks a story that either one of us is plunging needles in our pooper, we will no longer address the issue within the confines of Juice and The Kicker. And, if someone does acuse us of roiding up don't expect us to come clean. Deny, deny, deny.

But seriously, the steroid talk is done here. And yes, Juice has written two articles about steroids, but the last one was his last hurrah (albeit a rather poor one) against the whole depressing issue. So expect nothing but sunshine, lollipops and rainbows from here on out. Not literally of course.

Alright one rainbow.
-Juice and The Kicker

Look who's back back back back again...

2009-02-24T21:40:00.003-06:00

Yes, that is right. The Kicker is making his triumphant return to the site. I apologize to my fans (both of you) that this site has become Juice and Juice. Since I last wrote nothing of note has happened in the national sports scene, but I still have inspiration for an article. So, with no further adieu here it goes.

The sun rises earlier every morning and sets later every night. Baseball Spring training has started and I have caught that bug (I watched a video about home foreclosures in Fort Myers, Florida and all I could think about was buying one so I could go to Spring training and see the Twins every year). But this article is not about Spring training, the World Baseball Classic or the NFL Combine (I did watch the tight ends go through a blocking drill...it was as boring as it sounds). This is about the NCAA tournament.

It is not March quite yet but the madness has indeed started. As selection Sunday nears every bubble team in America is waiting to see their closest rivals bubble pop as theirs solidifies under them into a spot in the biggest dance of them all.

I am a huge fan of this event and am adjusting my schedule accordingly. I'm completely serious, I will skip classes so I can see more games...good thing none of my professors read this site. This is the most exciting time of the year. Which Cinderella will go dancing? Which giant will fall? Will a 16 seed beat a 1 seed?

But what I love most of all is that I can watch 63 games, countless highlights, read endless articles and fill out dozens of brackets. So here comes the resurgence of The Kicker.

"You will never see any blogger in the entire country who will blog harder than I will blog the rest of the year and you will not see someone push the rest of the team as hard as I will push Juice for the rest of the season, and you will never see a team blog harder than we will the rest of the year." (Adapted from Tim Tebow's speech after the Ole Miss game)

-The Kicker

Somone Save Sports

2009-02-23T14:21:00.003-06:00

Which is/was worse?

A. The current landscape of sports?

B. Last night's Oscars ceremony?

This is, of course, a trick question. They are/were both awful.

If you didn't watch the Oscars here is what you missed: Heath Ledger has a hot sister, and Meryl Streep has a surprisingly attractive daughter. That's it. Nothing else worthwhile happened. So don't worry, if you missed the show, you didn't actually miss anything.

As for the sports world, everybody just seems to be talking about steroids. Normally I would be happy to turn on Sportscenter without worrying about having to see stories about the NHL or NBA, but not if I'm subjected to an hour of Arod talk. Even Michael Phelps thinks this media coverage is getting out of hand.

At this point I'm basically ignoring sports coverage altogether. At least until Spring Training games and March Madness begin.

I would, though, like to give Tiger Woods props on the timing of his comeback, any little non steroid news bit helps. Although Tiger is pretty ripped. I'm not sayin. I'm just sayin...

Also, thank you to Conneticut basketball coach Jim Calhoun for this gem.

Aside from those two items, and of course my beloved Twins finally making a move this offseason, I haven’t been entertained by sports since the Super Bowl.

Maybe I’m just being naïve in thinking sports are supposed to be fun rather than depressing. Is it really too much to ask to be able to watch Sportscenter without cringing? Then again, with apologies to John Anderson and Scott Van Pelt, it is nearly impossible to watch cringe-free Sportscenter, even in the most entertaining of times.

Maybe I just need baseball to start again. That’ll pull me out of this funk. Of course, with the way the media works, we’ll probably be seeing the other 103 steroid names right around the time people start forgetting about steroids.

Or maybe I’m just cynical.

Either way, sports suck right now.

-Juice

Random Thoughts...

2009-02-21T12:38:00.001-06:00

...Joe Crede is the Minnesota Twins new third baseman. (Juice)

...Is there anything more confusing than when two fast food restaurants have the same place to order? (Happened to me at a Taco Bell and KFC) I was confused and flustered. Could I order off both menus? It was mind-blowing. (The Kicker)

...So my bank switched credit card companies from Visa to Mastercard a few months ago. This isn't a huge deal, aside from the fact that Mastercard's customer service blows and I never had issues with Visa. The reason for the switch was members of the bank wanted the rewards program Mastercard offers. See, this is my problem with people. They want free crap, but to get that free crap they have to spend more money; so in reality they are just creating more debt for themselves. Say, for example, they want a free toaster and are only $75 away from getting it. They then spend $75 on something they don't want, need and will never use, just to get the toaster. So basically you just dug yourself into to deeper debt to spend $75 on a toaster that is probably worth $20 – and which you think was free. And people wonder why they have no money. (Juice)

...I hate when people add letters to words that aren't supposed to be there. It's espresso, not expresso, especially not exspecially, and don't even get me started on supposedly vs. supposebly. The prime example of this was when Dunbar from Real World: Australia went on some giant rant about an espresso machine – except he pronounced it "expresso." He probably said "expresso" twenty times in five minutes. This happened like two years ago and it still drives me crazy. (Juice)

...Joe Crede is the Minnesota Twins new third baseman – I just like writing that. (Juice)

...Also if you say "them" instead of "those," and English is your native language, you are a worthless moron. I'm like the ghost of Christmas future and I'm here to tell you that if you don't change your ways you will end up not only lonely and miserable, but a poor, stupid, drain on society. At least Scrooge was rich. You'll have nothing. (Juice)

...Why haven't we come up with a universal signal for "there is a cop ahead, slow down"? If you're driving one way flash your hazards so the people going the other way slow down. That's the new signal. (The Kicker)

...Apparently Soulja Boy is doing a concert at my college campus in northern Minnesota this April. No word yet on how many girls offered to be "supermanned" as compensation for him coming to the whitest place on earth. (Juice)

...It annoys me when people walking in hallways cut corners when making a turn. You realize people are coming from both directions right? If you make a sharp turn while driving a car you will run into oncoming traffic. If you make a sharp turn in a hallway you will run into people coming from the other direction. Next time someone does this to me I'm going to punch them in the head – man, woman, or child. (Juice)

...Joe Crede is the Minnesota Twins new third baseman – one last time, just for good measure. (Juice)

Spring Hopes

2009-02-20T22:10:00.003-06:00

*I wrote this for a Twins blog (www.twinsmix.com) so it is centered on the Twins obviously. I figured I'd post it here anyway because pretty much everyone that reads this blog is a Twins fan. Plus, if you aren't you can just mentally replace the Twins references with references about your favorite team. The message still works.*

“…hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.”

-Tim Robbins as Andy Dufrense in Shawshank Redpemtion

Spring training is supposed to be the time of year when we get cliché stories about who has lost or gained weight, who is finally healthy, and who started a new workout regimen. Spring training is supposed to be a time to look forward at what is to come. Spring training is supposed to be about hope.

The last week, however, has been all about negativity – stories about the past and stories that are trying to kill the hope and promise of the future. Well it is time to change all that.

It’s spring training time. The players are coming out of their offseason cocoon, and flourishing in the Florida (or Arizona) sun. We can watch them grow and see the promise of the season to come.

This year Francisco Liriano will return to 2006 form. This year Michael Cuddyer will remain healthy. This year Carlos Gomez will harness his talent and live up to his promise. This year Delmon Young will finally shed his bad habits and prove he can be an all star caliber player.

This year someone will step up and take over third base. Maybe it’s Joe Crede walking in to save the day. Or maybe Brendan Harris and Brian Buscher take control and prove they can handle the job in a platoon. Someone will step up.

This year the bullpen will come together. No more blown leads. No more questioning who will get the ball to Joe Nathan. Each pitcher will find his niche and thrive.

This year we can look forward without looking back. Game 163 of 2008 is a distant memory, even if the sting still lingers. No more worrying about last year, because last year no longer matters.

This year we’ll be watching a joyous dog pile of Minnesota Twins closing out the final season in the Metrodome – a joyous celebration before a deafening World Series crowd. One last hurrah before baseball in Minnesota takes its rightful place outdoors.

It’s all possible.

It’s all possible because in spring training anything is possible. We can set aside our concerns and look forward to a season filled with unbelievable plays, unbelievable wins, and everything in between.

This is the hope that spring training brings. Not allegations and denials. Not finger pointing. Not anything but baseball. Baseball in its purest form.

And in that form we look forward. And we realize hope does still exist.

-Juice

Let's Talk About Movies

2009-02-18T21:06:00.010-06:00

I’m mad at sports - mostly because I’m sick of hearing about steroids. So with the Oscars coming up I've decided to run a list of my "top ten movies." Yes, I realize this type of thing is one of the ultimate cliché blog moves, but screw off I'm doing it anyway.

My criteria were the same as any "best movie" list: plot, acting, how the movie resonated, etc. One thing I also took into consideration is what I call, for lack of a better (or real) word, "rewatchability." You'll notice there aren't really any comedies on this list because comedies are overrated. They make you laugh and then you move on, but they rarely stick with you. They don't belong on a list of best movies.

Also, before I start, I just want to say that people need to calm down on the whole Dark Knight thing. It is a very good movie, yes, but everybody overrates it. Heath Ledger’s performance was amazing, one of the best ever, but lets give the movie itself a little more time to simmer before we anoint it “greatest ever.”

Anyway without further ado...

10. Good Will Hunting (1997)

Excellent acting from Matt Damon and Robin Williams are the highlights of this movie. Williams also gets credit for being the non annoying form of himself. Robin Williams the person = annoying. Robin Williams the serious actor = surprisingly good. I also love this script and story.

9. Gone Baby Gone (2007)

I don't think this movie gets enough credit. I'm also a sucker for good crime drams. There are plenty of cookie cutter crime thrillers with cliché storylines, but Gone Baby Gone is both interesting and less formulaic than others of its genre. Also, props to the Affleck brothers on this one – who knew Casey Affleck would be good in a leading role? And who knew Ben Affleck was good at anything? (He was the director).

8. The Departed (2006)

Say what you will about the ending, but I loved every second of this movie. Leonardo DiCaprio and Matt Damon were excellent, and I always enjoy Jack Nicholson (even when his slurred Boston accent makes him sound like an idiot). And while the ending is...interesting, to say the least, that really didn't bother me. Plus this movie is two and a half hours long, but I've seen it several times and it never feels drawn out. There are no dull scenes. This is one of those movies that every time I see it on HBO, I watch at least part of it.

7. Requiem for a Dream (2000)

I like dark movies. This is, without a doubt, the darkest, most grisly movie I have ever seen. It is also the only movie on this list that fails miserably for "rewatchability" as I've only seen it once. But I loved it. I defy anyone to watch Requiem for a Dream and not be completely awestruck. I would also like to note that I hate everything about Marlon Wayans – and all the Wayans for that matter. They are absolutely awful in every way. Except in this movie Marlon Wayans is excellent. Who knew? I just don't know how you go from that to White Chicks and Little Man. Unbelievable.

6. A Few Good Men (1992)

I’ve never seen Unforgiven so I can’t definitively say A Few Good Men got robbed for best picture, but I don’t like westerns so I’m going to say it anyway: A Few Good Men got robbed for best picture. The courtroom scene between Tom Cruise and Jack Nicholson is iconic. There have been at least three occasions where I saw this movie on TV, watched the edited version for a few minutes, realized I owned the movie, tossed that baby in the DVD player and watched the whole thing from the beginning. If that isn’t the sign of a good movie, I don’t know what is.

5. Bull Durham (1988)/Field of Dreams (1989)

I realize this is cheating, but I didn’t want Kevin Costner taking up two full spots on this list. Plus, I can’t decide which of these movies I enjoy more. Besides this is my list so I can do what I want. As far as the movies go, the top “rewatchabilty” award is definitely a tie between Bull Durham and Field of Dreams. Every time I see either of these on TV I jump right in and watch the rest of the movie, and I enjoy it every time. And, if you are wondering, Bull Durham is a dramedy not a comedy, so I didn’t technically break my comedy rule.

4. Fargo (1996)

My homer pick. I love the Coens. I love their dark sense of humor. I love their characters. I love their storytelling. I love everything about them. And yes, the Minnesota accents are over the top in Fargo, but that is part of what makes this movie so funny. Especially to Minnesotans. This movie is vastly superior to No Country for Old Men by the way – and I thoroughly enjoyed No Country for Old Men.

3. Shawshank Redemption (1994)

Do I even need to say anything here? I mean if you don’t like Shawshank Redemption you are a bad person. Seriously, there is a direct correlation between disliking this movie and becoming a child molester. You can’t argue with statistics.

2. Mystic River (2003)

For being so dark and depressing I always enjoy watching this movie. Sean Penn is excellent, even if he is a complete tool in real life. Mystic River is fairly similar to Gone Baby Gone – they were both based on novels by Dennis Lehane – but Mystic River has a slightly more compelling story and features more powerhouse acting performances. Not a happy movie by any means, but those often bore me.

1. There Will Be Blood (2007)

Greatest. Acting. Performance. Ever. Daniel Day-Lewis is absolutely fantastic in this movie. It is hands down the best performance I have ever seen (yes, including Heath Ledger’s Joker). The movie is a complete character study of Daniel Plainview, and he is, without a doubt, the most compelling character I have ever seen on the big screen. He is dark, complex, conniving – basically everything you want from a main character. This movie is the definition of something you either love or hate. And I absolutely loved it.

Honorable Mention:
The Sandlot (1993)
Silence of the Lambs (1991)
Donnie Darko (2001)
Dead Poets Society (1989)
Wag the Dog (1989)

Well that is my list. And, if you are wondering, this is exceedingly difficult to do and I struggled immensely with some of my choices. I may have forgotten some movies (although if I forgot them they can’t be that good right?) and, if I really sat down and took a lot of time to analyze everything, this list would probably change, but I am pleased with how it turned out.

I would love to see some comments though on A. Why I’m an idiot (within in the confines of this list preferably), and B. Some of your favorite movies.

Of course if you say The Dark Knight that makes you a tool.

-Juice

And with the first pick in the 2009 NFL Draft the Detroit Lions select...

2009-02-17T22:15:00.007-06:00

Who cares? The Lions are brutal and the player with the most to offer won't be drafted. No, its not me (though I think I would look good up there with the commish trying on a hat and jersey).

Michael Crabtree (WR, Texas Tech) will get picked early. So will Matthew Stafford (QB, Georgia). There is no doubt in my mind plenty of spectacular players will be drafted, but the most athletic player, the most game-breaking performer will not be one of them.

Folks, today I want to discuss He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named. The evil, despicable and downright awful #7. Yes, Michael Vick*.

Michael Vick was before his time just like Fran Tarkenton. Vick can run, run and run. He is not a great quarterback in the conventional sense, but what's conventional about modern day sports? We have steroids, collective bargaining agreements and billion dollar stadiums. What's conventional about the newest little wrinkle in every team's offense, the Wildcat?

You might as well call it the Vick. This offense was created for him. He can line up under center and hand the ball off (Minnesota Vikings, are you listening? Please God let Zygi, Brad and the mustaches see this) to a running back. But if you're the Vikings (are you reading this Mr. Wilf?) and the defense puts eight in the box, you can bootleg Vick and let him use his legs (any team can do this but the Vikings see more eight and nine man fronts than any team in the league).

Also, Vick is an exceptional passer compared to the average NFL running back. The Wildcat could be used 10 times a game with Vick under center, lined up in the backfield or as a wide receiver. He could catch the ball on a slant and be like Devin Hester. He could run the halfback toss, reverses or catch bubble screens when not in the Wildcat. He could even catch a backwards pass and re-throw the ball. Michael Vick, in the right offense, is the best weapon available. (I don't feel like explaining that he could also return punts and kicks, oh wait, I just did).

Yes this offense is gimmicky. Yes it is like a college team and college offenses don't work in the NFL usually. But this is an unusual time. You may dismiss this article but I am right. I stand firmly behind (Vick has heard those words plenty of times while showering lately...sorry, I had to get one prison joke in) my thoughts because with the right offensive coordinator, a capable quarterback, a consistent defense and a solid running game this offense could win a Superbowl because no one is athletic enough to handle Vick one on one and when he starts to get more attention the rest of the field is vulnerable.

So please fans, when Michael Vick gets signed, don't be upset. Unless its because he wasn't signed by your team.

-The Kicker

*Disclaimer: The Kicker does not condone the actions of Mr. Vick nor consider him a great role model.

Random Thoughts...

2009-02-14T16:01:00.002-06:00

...I was studying for a test in one of my English classes the other day on Sparknotes. Yes studying. Anyway, apparently they have those stupid "how greedy are you" and "are you a jerk" quiz things on their site. I am a sucker for those quizzes. So I take one that at the end guesses what gender you are. It was only 8% sure I'm a man. In response, I challenged someone bigger than me to a fight to up my "man cred." I am now eating out of a straw and typing with one hand, and my man percentage has dropped to 5%. I hate you Sparknotes.

...It drives me crazy when people listening to their Ipod feel the need to speak louder. I'm not the one on my Ipod moron. Stop yelling. I can hear you just fine.

....You should watch Friday Night Lights. The television show, not the movie. The movie is good. The show is great.

...Valentines Day is the dumbest "holiday" ever. It's even more consumeristic (apparently that actually is a word) than Christmas. It's a fake holiday dreamed up by corporations like Hallmark to sell stupid crap that nobody needs. "Here, hon, here are some flowers which symbolize my love. Oh, by the way, they'll be dead in a week."

...If you haven't seen Joaquin Phoenix's interview on Letterman you should watch it. The whole thing is probably a hoax, but it is still awesome.

...Minnesota is facing an $8 billion budget defecit and Lester Bagley, the Viking's vice president of public affairs and stadium development (yes, apparently that is a real job), decided this was a good time to complain about the lack of progress towards a new Vikings stadium. I haven't seen timing that bad since Riggins waited until Lyla found Jesus to ask her out in season two of Friday Night Lights. See, if you were watching the show, you would get that joke.

...Most awkward. Story. Ever.

...How stupid is the NBA celebrity game during All Star weekend? I once saw Richard Jefferson try as hard as he possibly could in one of those games. Congratulations, you are an NBA player that dominated a bunch of white actors.

...It's also kind of funny when people get so riled up about who got snubbed from all star games. Nobody even remembers who made the teams a week later. And, yes, I am as guilty of this as anyone.

...And lastly, if you were looking for another reason to envy Leonardo DiCaprio, he is dating the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit cover model.

-Juice

Baseball Dreams

2009-02-12T19:49:00.005-06:00

*Just a little note before you start reading this. Technically, this is a speech, so it's written to be spoken out loud (a little definition of speech for our less educated readers). With that in mind, for full effect, picture my beautiful mug spouting out the following 800 words. And, if you are wondering, my delivery was damn good, didn't slip up once. Although my professor looked a little perturbed when I said "prick..."

I grew up on a baseball field. A dusty diamond of endless dreams. In the confines of those two white lines, on bases ninety feet apart, I was lost in my own little world. Anything was possible on the baseball field; where time stands still and hopes and dreams are limitless.

Every summer day was exactly the same. Baseball. Soaked in sunshine or drenched in rain, it didn’t matter. There was a game to play.

The players were made up of eight neighborhood kids: me, my two brothers, and five of our friends - the core group that played everyday. And don’t get me wrong, it was every day. Eight players though, was just the minimum. Each day would see a constant merry-go-round of kids that would come in out of our game. Strangers, friends of friends, anyone could play. That cast of characters changed, but the eight never did.

The field itself wasn’t much to look at. The weeds nearly overtook the infield dirt, and the outfield grass was borderline grass at best. It was really nothing more than a diamond shaped dirt patch sprouting a sky high chain link backstop. The field was snuggled into a quaint little park in our middle class neighborhood, but was the type of the place the city was too busy to properly upkeep.

Although to us, it was Yankee stadium, and it was all ours. Our sanctuary of endless possibility.
The games would last for hours. Time never mattered. When you are a kid you have all the time in the world. The score? Who cares? The inning? Doesn’t matter. Ball four? No way, I’m not taking a walk. Time to come home for dinner? Alright, alright I’m coming.

It really was The Sandlot – well, minus the beast. We were a throwback to the days of old, when kids went outside and played. While other kids were inside with Mario and Luigi, we were outside laughing, running, cussing, spitting – playing. We were having fun and dreaming big. Nothing else in the world mattered.

People say nothing is perfect, and yet, everything back then was. We had no cares.

And yes, there was conflict, but it always got resolved. That was part of the process; learning to deal with one another. Only once did that conflict escalate.

My friend Joel was on the mound and I was at the plate. Joel was kind of the trouble maker of the group. Although, I was a cocky prick in my own right, so we tended to butt heads. During this particular game, for reasons that were not clear then, and are even less clear years later, we were having a spat. Joel took offense to something I said (although it couldn’t have been that bad, after all I was eight). He then planted what, to an eight year old, seemed a blazing fastball in my ribs. I charged at him with blind rage, my eyes burning with hate, ready to destroy. At a dead sprint I wound up and swung a mighty right hook. Everyone else rushed to the mound trying to decide if they should encourage, or stop, the fight. It didn’t take long before the question was answered for them.

Blood.

Never before had our games seen blood. But I had done it. Ended the fight with one mighty swing. That’s right, all it took was one punch and the fight was over. The loser lay dejectedly on the ground.

That loser was me.

I had slipped on the dirt and cut up my arm. Yep, in my rage I both started, and ended, the fight. I had beaten myself up. The worst part was I had to go home to bandage up my arm so the game was over, at least for me.

But I was back out as soon as my wound (and ego) healed. Come the next day none of us even remembered, or cared, what the fight was about in the first place. Petty squabbles never mattered. There was baseball to be played.

That’s how it is as a kid, you don’t waste time worrying. Nothing really matters but having fun and dreaming big.

As we get older we tend to lose our childlike perspective on the world. I guess it’s inevitable. Now, we spend our days worrying about grades, finding a job, and trying to avoid homelessness in a floundering economy. Life seems to change from a childhood of hopes and dreams, to an adulthood of cynicism and concern.

But, as I think back to myself as a little boy in the confines of those two white lines, on bases ninety feet apart, I remind myself that life can be simple, and worrying gets you nowhere. I remember how important it is to be carefree. How important it is to dream.

What is life, after all, without a dream?

-Juice

Thank You Brett

2009-02-11T17:22:00.003-06:00

I am not a Packer fan, or Jets for that matter. I am not a football "purist" who loved the gamer inside the gunslinger. I am not from Favre's hometown or home state. In fact, I disliked Favre for most of his career and at least twice a year, I hated him.

Green Bay plays my beloved Vikings twice a year so I will forever hold a grudge against number 4. He made every start, every play and rarely cost his team the game. However, I am not thanking Mr. Favre for leaving the game (for good this time?) he loves and gave so much too.

I am thanking him for saving all of us from the media and their relentless coverage of baseball's most recent steroids allegations. Everyone has an opinion and apparently we all need to know what everyone thinks.

I don't care. I assume everyone used (besides Ken Griffey Jr. and Manny) so when A-Rod, Jim Thome (he is an ogre), Frank Thomas (Big Hurt is a great nickname) and everyone else is accused, I still won't care.

I care so little, I have been avoiding sports. It comes up during college basketball games, NBA games and maybe even NHL games (if its talked about and no one is watching, does it matter?) but because of mighty Brett, the gun slinger, the man who is considered one of the greats retiring, we get a break.

No one ask if Favre used steroids (he might have considering his incredible ability to heal quickly, but if used for medical purposes I am not sure if they are illegal) but his arm was strong from day one, his passes unpredictable and his ability to start every game under center unparalleled.

I will miss Favre and his throws. How he did that stupid fake pass after EVERY TIME he handed off the ball. I'll miss John Madden dreaming of him and Brett getting in a bus crash (Madden doesn't fly so it cant be a plane) and somehow ending up on a island together but most of all I will miss that for one day, on February 11th, 2009, Favre made my day by allowing me to watch Sportscenter again.

-The Kicker

Greatest. Picture. Ever.

2009-02-10T15:36:00.004-06:00

This picture is on College Humor and is easily the most magnificent thing I have ever seen. Enjoy.

-Juice

Media Assault

2009-02-09T21:27:00.002-06:00

I came across an article today from New York Newsday titled "A-Rod or Phelps: Who's Worse?" The author of this article is a woman named Barbara Barker. And, Ms. Barker, I have an answer to your question.

You are worse.

You are worse because you live in a fairy tale world. You are worse because you think you are above it all. You are worse because you look down from your ivory tower and talk about two people you don't know, blaming them for all that is wrong.

You are worse because you represent everything that is wrong with the media.

I'm not trying to make Ms. Barker a scapegoat; she is far from the only member of the media taking this path. But I grow weary of listening to writers and talking heads rip on these athletes and say what terrible people they are. Michael Phelps did something stupid. Alex Rodriguez cheated. Get over it.

Young people do stupid things. They just do. Michael Phelps just happens to be in the limelight. Yes, he is an idiot for smoking pot and allowing pictures to be taken of him doing so, but go to any college party on a Friday or Saturday night and count how many twenty three year olds are doing the same thing. That doesn't make it right, but it also doesn't make it fair to hassle Phelps just because he is a celebrity. He is not a role model. He is a swimmer.

He didn't make himself a role model, everybody else did. He didn't ask to be looked up to. Why should he feel obligated to set a good example for your kids? That's not his job, that's yours. Raise your own damn kids.

And, yes, Alex Rodriguez cheated. He's a professional athlete looking for an edge. Again, this doesn't make him right, but at least he owned up to his mistake and admitted he was wrong. Now you're going to call him a bad person?

What about the 60+ percent of people that said in an ESPN poll they would take performance enhancing drugs if it guaranteed them $200,000 a year? Are you going to find all of them and tell them how terrible they are? Are you going to be one of the 30% that are lying to themselves and saying they wouldn't take PEDs, just so you can look down on people that truthfully answered yes?

Please, spare me the talk about these athletes being terrible people. You are no better. You don't understand their position. You just act like you do.

Who’s worse? Seriously? You are sitting there actually debating who is a worse person? Think about that for a second. You don’t know these people and you want to decide which one is a worse person based on one mistake? You think you have the right to make that decision?

Stop attacking these people like they’ve wronged you and everyone else. Stop acting like their bad choices have somehow impeded you from living a life of morality. And, for that matter, stop pretending that you have always lived a life of morality.

People make mistakes. Alex Rodriguez and Michael Phelps made mistakes. You can talk about how they’ve harmed themselves, and harmed their sport, but please, spare us the talk of how they harmed your children.

The media has become one big joke. How bout, instead of making judgments, you do your job. Your job is to report the news, shut your mouth, and let us decide for ourselves.

-Juice

Peter Press Maravich: The man, the myth, the legend

2009-02-08T21:27:00.005-06:00

Born in Aliquippa, Pennsylvania, Peter Maravich was a stud (check out the video). I would bet my life savings the average fan couldn't tell you his middle name was Press (terrible middle name) but I guarantee they could tell you he was the "Pistol" (awesome nickname). Maravich played in a simpler time, before there were three pointers, ESPN and blogs (but keep reading, I promise this is worth it).

The Pistol was named because he literally fired from his hip. Maravich is the all-time leader in NCAA history for points with 3667, but he only played three years because freshman couldn't play varsity when he entered school.

Currently the top scorer in Division 1 is Stephon Curry who is averaging 28.7 points per game (playing the Southern Conference Curry is a man among boys). This is a very impressive number but compared to the "Pistol", it's pathetic. Maravich averaged over 44 a game. He didn't score over 44 now and then, he AVERAGED it for three years. Keep in mind there were no three pointers.

After the Pistol's college days were over, former LSU coach Dale Brown (led his teams to the final four in 81 and 86) decided to go back and chart every shot Maravich ever took. His results were astounding. The Pistol made 13 three's per game (this is honestly the most impressive of all his stats, imagine someone scoring 39 a game from behind the arc). Had the line existed Pistol would have average 57 per game. Even without the line he scored over 50 on 28 different occasions with a career high of 69 (which translates to 82 if he made his usual 13 bombs).

Maravich played at LSU for his Dad who taught his son from a young age. Maravich was obsessed and would practice by himself for hours in the driveway while being required to make 100 free throws before he could go to bed (he was 7). All of his work paid off in his first freshman game in college when he scored 50 points, had 14 rebounds and 11 assists.

Other guys in the history of basketball could score. Wilt Chamberlain comes to mind. But Wilt was a giant, six inches taller than the competition. Pistol was only 6'5" and is still the most prolific scorer in college history (before three point lines and a shot clock which adds possessions). I am too young to have ever seen the Pistol play except on old VHS tapes. Most of us are. Maravich died at the age of 40 in 1988 from a congenial heart defect no one knew he had, but is still remembered as one of the greatest college players ever.

Next time you sit down to watch a college basketball game and are in awe of a 30 point performance, remember the Pistol. He averaged 44, for three years, with no three point line. He was a superstar scorer who did everything else. Today I remember the Pistol.

Random Thoughts...

2009-02-07T12:55:00.003-06:00

...If you are a high profile athlete and like hitting the bong, don't let people take pictures of you doing so. This is basic Facebook knowledge. The average idiot knows not to put that picture of himself doing a beer bong while tea-bagging his friend on Facebook; so why can't athletes understand this concept? (Juice)

...Gas prices keep going up. The price of oil keeps going down. How is this not addressed daily in the media, but there are 40 articles on Michael Phelps being a stoner? (The Kicker)

...Nothing should ever start before 10 am. This includes, but is not limited to, both work and school. 8 am is just too damn early. Morning people do not exist. Anybody who acts perky in the morning deserves to be punched in the face. Just stop. Seriously. You're annoying. (Juice)

...February is without a doubt the worst month of the year. There are no real holidays, it is still cold outside, and there are no sporting events worth watching after the Super Bowl. (Juice)

...The best thing about the internet is that you can look at any team's roster and find guys you thought were out of the league and look at how little they play. Thank you Al Gore for inventing the internet. (The Kicker)

...If there are two athletes that have the same name (i.e. Adrian Peterson (Vikings) and Adrian Peterson (Bears)) the less talented of the two should be forced to change his name. It would just be easier for everybody. (Juice)

...Sports books are amazing. There is so many of them that it is hard to keep up with the "best" ones, but I just read one called Minnesota Basketball and it was awesome. (The Kicker)

...I found out today that people from England can’t give blood in the U.S. Why you ask? Because they had mad cow disease six years ago. I believe mad cow existed in the States...so no one can give blood? (The Kicker)

...Espn.com had a poll asking how many years you would want your favorite team to sign Manny Ramirez for. The majority of people said they don't want Manny Ramirez on their team. Really? You couldn't hypothetically use the 35 home runs and 100 rbi? Seriously? I mean, my god, the Red Sox must have the best propaganda machine since the Nazis. (Juice)

...ESPN had another poll asking if you have ever passed up sex to watch a game. How would that play out? "Hey hunny, if you don't watch the game today I will sleep with you." With the response of "Yeah, sounds great, let me just turn off the triple overtime Super bowl and I'll meet you in the bedroom." Like honestly, that doesn't happen. You couldn't possibly watch most of the game and have sex because all sexual things last the same length as whatever game is on? ESPN, you disappoint me. (The Kicker)

Fightless Hockey? Why?

2009-02-06T13:51:00.009-06:00

In my random online perusing I came across an article titled "NHLPA to Mull Restrictions on Fighting in Hockey." Now, I am by no means a hockey fan, but why take away the one thing that the casual fan enjoys?

At this point, hockey is no longer a major sport. It just isn't. It has a small, devoted base of cult followers (also known as Canadians) with a few casual fans sprinkled in.

Basically there are only three interesting things about the NHL:

1. The Stanely Cup. Not the games, but trophy itself. It's a cool looking trophy.

2. Alexander Ovechkin's ridiculous goal a couple years ago. That was surprisingly entertaining.

3. Fighting.

Now, a lot of hockey purist will probably say "well if you want to see a fight watch boxing or the UFC." This is completely different though. I don't want to see a staged fight. I want to see two grown men get pissed off and fight over something mundane. It's like watching a bar fight. Who doesn't love a good bar fight?

The problem with outlawing fighting in the NHL is this will alienate the casual fan. The casual fan doesn't like hockey. The casual fan likes the violence of someone getting checked against the boards--or preferably through the glass--and the retaliation afterwards.

Unless the powers that be have decided "screw it, the mass appeal ship has sailed, lets focus on our fan base," outlawing fighting is not the right choice.

And maybe focusing on the small fan base is the way to go. It's obvious that the NHL needs a marketing change. Maybe the best thing would be to fold every franchise in the south, and make the league a battle of the U.S. versus Canada. Everybody loves to root for their country, even when it comes to hockey.

This would generate more mass appeal, and even allow them to outlaw fighting, if they so choose. They would no longer need the fights to attract the casual fan.

The fact is the NHL needs a major overhaul, not a minor tweaking. Restricting fighting is just not the place to start.

-Juice

Living Up To The Hype

2009-02-04T21:02:00.010-06:00

"He has better vision than Magic; and he is quicker."

"He competes as hard as and is as athletic as Kobe."

"He is the next Jordan."

LeBron James has lived up to the hype. I am not calling him the next Jordan--that title will forever belong to Harold "baby Jordan" Miner (former Miami Heat "star"). I am, however, saying LeBron has lived up to the billing. He cannot be stopped.

LeBron James is 6'8" and weighs 250lbs, but plays like a point guard. He has the ability to run the floor, defend the perimeter and the post. Not to mention he is a pure scorer. LeBron has taken over the NBA. And he is only 24.

He can score at will, defend the best players in the league and no one wants to try and defend him. He scores 30 a game and still is improving. He can develop a better outside game and, if he ever gets a supporting cast like Jordan or Kobe, he will be even better. Coming out of high school I never thought it was possible. The kid would stumble. He would fall. He would mess up. He hasn't. LeBron hasn't punched a teammate, had a picture taken of him getting stoned (Michael Phelps won 7 olympic golds stoned...?) and he hasn't been a bad teammate. No one knocks LeBron.

As far as I know, LeBron has few enemies. He doesn't have a posse like Pacman, a rap sheet like Pacman, a hate for dogs like Pacman (I assume he hates dogs) and he doesn't have an obsession with guns, drugs or strip clubs like Pacman. What I do know, is that a kid from Ohio was blessed with all the ability in the world, and he has worked to become the best player in the world. But while working he has become a stand up citizen, a terrific teammate and a blessing to a league that was in need of a true superstar. So to LeBron I say "you lived up to the hype, you didn't let us down, now do it for 10 more years."

-The Kicker

The Man-Ram Economy

2009-02-04T18:52:00.010-06:00

I'm sure everyone has had enough of "recession talk." Honestly, at this point, if somebody told me there was a radio show or podcast called "Recession Talk," I wouldn't be surprised; which speaks for itself in the “topics that have been beaten into the ground” category.

It is interesting, though, how the economy has affected the sports world. So bear with me, and I promise I won’t ever talk about the economy again. Maybe.

Take a look at the MLB offseason, for example. Some of the free agents left on the market include Manny Ramirez, Adam Dunn, Bobby Abreu, and Ben Sheets; big name players that would get equally big contracts most years.

In this market, however, everything is uncertain, and teams are just not offering the long term, big money deals. It’s just not good business. Because of this, most players would be wise to take a one year contract, and re-enter the free agent market next year. You know, once President Obama's magic spells have fixed the economy.

Many players, such as Manny, are still intent on signing the big contract, however. (To be fair, Man-Ram probably doesn’t know who Obama is, or what the word recession means.)

The problem is most teams are just not willing to give out long term deals to questionable (be it for age, health, or attitude) players right now.

Now, granted, most people would say this is a good thing. And it probably is. Not because the players don’t deserve the money they make, necessarily, but because it spreads out the talent.

For example the Nationals will be more likely to take a chance on a short term deal. They have some payroll flexibility, and are more likely to take a risk than teams that have been burned in the past. And lets be honest, it’s about time the Nationals best player is someone other than a guy nicknamed “Da Meat Hook.”

Simply put, it is just much easier for a team to commit to a player for one year, rather than three or four. That’s not to say teams can throw around absurdly large one year contracts, but a short term deal is much easier to handle.

And, sure, the big names like Mark Teixeira and C.C Sabathia still received the big contracts from the Yankees, but the Yankees don’t think like other teams. Long term financial ramifications don’t factor into their planning. Although, we’ll see how well that works out when they are trying to sell their $2,500 tickets to former Lehman Brothers employees…

Really, though, MLB attendance figures will be the most interesting thing to see.

There are far more seats in a baseball stadium than an NBA or NHL arena, making it hard to compare the attendance figures. Football stadiums are comparable in size to that of baseball, but there are ten times as many games in a baseball season than a football season. This makes it a lot easier to splurge one time a year on football tickets, rather than five times a summer on baseball tickets. Especially in markets that are really floundering, like Detroit. Luckily for them, with the Lions, there is no reason to bother splurging on football tickets, so they can just forget about sports for a year.

Seriously, though, when taking a look at how ever plummeting bank accounts are affecting the sports landscape, baseball is the best barometer. If, come July, there are only 10,000 fans at given game, we’ll know for sure that fans really are cutting back. We’ll find out for sure whether sports are “recession proof.”

-Juice

Kicker's Corner

2009-02-03T17:17:00.007-06:00

I really do struggle with titles but the idea of this post is to tell a story. Not necessarily a sports story, but a story in general. It might become a weekly thing, but I might forget about it twenty minutes after I post...but either way, here we go.

So I am sitting in class today and my mind starts to wander onto the subject of how much pro athletes make. (This article isn't stupid like the other ones on this topic, as I will not complain about their fortunes). OK, clearly pro athletes make a ton of money. According to Sports Illustrated (all figures include endorsements) the highest paid athlete is Tiger Woods at $127 million dollars. The highest paid athlete on a team sport is LeBron James at just over $40 million.

Now, I would love to make $100,000 a year someday. That would be a lot of money to me. That is nothing to pro athletes.

But what can I do better than anyone in the world? I can chug a can of Coke without stopping (is that impressive or sad?). I once won 124-3 in college football 95 for Sega when I was the number 2 team playing against number 1...if you're Colorado you can call a timeout and then a hail mary and run for at least 40 yards every time with Kordell "Slash" Stewart (does that warrant $30 million a year?). As you can see, I am pretty average...or weird. But my point is, these people are the best in the world at what they do.

No one complains that Warren Buffet makes too much on his investments, Bill Gates makes too much by being smart or that Will Smith makes too much for being in movies. So why complain about pro athletes? Tiger and LeBron are the BEST in the world at what they do. Tiger might be the best ever (I think he is) and he is getting paid accordingly. I am sorry if no one pays you millions of dollars to be the best Target manager, carpenter, teacher or truck driver in the world. If you are that person, awesome. I am proud of you.

Finally, these athletes make money because they entertain and bring in money. Will I ever bring in $25 million a year to my company? Absolutely. (Well, maybe not...) But LeBron does, Tiger does and so do plenty of other athletes. You pay to see LeBron. Everyone does. People love Tiger Woods. If we are willing to pay to see them, they deserve a cut (this is my issue with college athletes not getting a stipend or ANYTHING when schools and networks are making millions upon millions off of them...)

So next time you are complaining about how much people are making for playing a "game" realize they are the best in the world. Yes, even you Oklahoma City Thunder players. (Really? Thunder? are they in sixth grade?)

-The Kicker

Super Shocker

2009-02-01T23:46:00.006-06:00

Remember in Angels in the Outfield how we learned God can’t help decide championships? Well the Cardinals put all their eggs in the God basket. When, as Christopher Lloyd so aptly pointed out, championships have to be won on their own. This is why they lost. Of course, if Cardinals fans had simultaneously performed an awkward angel arm-waving motion, that might have helped too.

Seriously, though, the Super Bowl was actually entertaining. How bout that? Always fun to choke on your own words...

Quite frankly I'm very pleased the game proved me wrong. I didn't expect it, but I hoped for a good game. As far as fourth quarters go, you’ll be hard pressed to find one more interesting; although, I’m not going to toot the “best Super Bowl ever” horn quite yet.

We should have known we were in for a good fourth quarter, though. I mean, after the awful batch of commercials, and three quarters of garbage football, we had to get some entertainment out of the night.

Through three quarters it appeared the game would, in fact, be a dud. The highlights to that point were seeing James Harrison possibly unconscious after sprinting 100 yards, watching a koala bear get punched in the face, and constant “penetration” jokes spurred by John Madden’s lack of a vocabulary. Needless to say, things were looking grim.

By this point, the Cardinal’s bandwagon was officially empty.

The fourth quarter, however, changed everything. It gave us everything we could hope for as a sports fan: a thrilling comeback by the underdog, several big plays, and a last minute drive to win the game. I will say, though, I feel a little cheated we didn't get the last ditch Hail Mary from the Cardinals. I mean you have to at least take a second look at Warner’s fumble, right?

As someone that had no vested interest in either team, the fourth quarter turned out about as well as possible. Even if the Steelers were unable to score on their final drive, the ending would have made up for the rest of the game. Fitzgerald’s two touchdown catches will mostly be forgotten now, but those two plays were amazing at the time.

The Cardinals comeback was more than anyone could have asked for. And, after spending two weeks berating the two teams and spouting off how about how boring this Super Bowl would be, I must hang my head in shame.

The only thing missing was a stadium full of awkward angel arm waving.

-Juice

Random Thoughts...

2009-01-31T16:05:00.004-06:00

...Is anybody actually excited for the Super Bowl? Or is everybody just excited that this debacle of an NFL season is finally going to be over?

...How annoying is the whole "G" ad campaign? Gatorade can't afford the seven other letters anymore?

...I find it interesting that MSNBC, the liberal ying to the Fox News conservative yang, likes to run specials on serial killers. I don't know for sure what this says about liberals, but I guess if we find out that Barack Obama is not only a terrorist but a serial killer as well, we shouldn't be surprised.

...I defy you to find anything more repetitive and annoyingly catchy than "If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it."

...Also, anytime an athlete departs for a new team because their old team couldn't "win the big one" they should play that song at their press conference.

...Family Guy is the most overrated show on television. Some of the show's random pop culture references were funny at first, but the novelty has worn off. Besides, it's just a crappy rip off of the Simpsons.

...Has there ever been anything less shocking than finding out that Santonio Holmes used to sell drugs? I guess I just assumed he still does.

...If some crazy lady who already has six kids shows up at your fertility clinic, you should probably turn her away: http://www.startribune.com/nation/38733202.html?elr=KArksLckD8EQDUoaEyqyP4O:DW3ckUiD3aPc:_Yyc:aUnciaec8O7EyUsl.

...Any team that can afford Manny Ramirez and needs a left fielder, but is justifying not signing him based on his "issues," is moronic.

...Serena Williams is not attractive. She is scary and mannish...So is Jennie Finch.

...Everything about PETA sucks. I both like animals, and like to eat animals. You really can do both.

-Juice